First, my apologies for not keeping up with posts on here this past week. Have still been struggling with an emotional event . I have been processing some things and working on issues and i believe things will be ok with a little time and effort. In the meantime, i did get back to doing some art. I decided in light of the specifics i would focus on my positive qualities by creating a personal totem pole with the animals i find symbolic to me.
I often create using these particular animals. The meaning behind each is personally significant. The giraffe i have always found pleasantly odd in the wild kingdom because of its shape, size and coat pattern. In essence it represents my own oddity and uniqueness in the human world. The lion symbolizes my strength, the wolf is my survivalist nature, and the phoenix , my ability to always rise from the ashes. I wanted to include an elephant but on a 9 x 12 it would have taken too much room. So instead i added the butterfly because in the Southeastern Cherokee language the same word is used for both .”Kamama” means butterfly or elephant and is also used as a girls name because it infers beauty.
I really need to focus on these positive aspects of myself more often. In addition there has been a family crisis added to the mix so, just a tough time in general. I am sure all will be well and i am not hitting rock bottom or anything –just taking some time.
I hope you all enjoyed a nice holiday dinner ( Thanksgiving in the U.S.). I made pork and sauerkraut with mashed potatoes as well as ate some shrimp – both normally are eaten here on New years day for luck and i figure i may as well get a head start. Hugs to all and Namaste!
I had a really rough weekend. It started out great and had lots of fun with my roommate. But then drama with my BF ensued and i am really off kilter at the moment.
It all came out of nowhere and was so unexpected i am still in shock and having a tough time processing. I cannot seem to do anything but the basics to function and mostly after getting those done, just staying in my room and sleeping as much as possible.
It still astonishes me that i can feel these things so deeply . I thought i was stronger and wiser, but finding out how fragile i can be when i am hurt. It is all i can do to eat , bathe , and go to work. I don’t want to talk with anyone or interact. I can’t do my art or even watch videos.
I haven’t felt this way in a very long time and certainly not this intensely.
As i listed the things that changed since my last 10 steps , the second one was one of the major ones. I moved from a rented duplex/row home in a city area that i had lived in for 3 years to a cute little single dwelling in a small town .Sure it was only 2.3 miles away, but it made a world of difference.
Now, i loved living in the city, don’t get me wrong. I have lived in this particular one off & on since i was 15 years old and became emancipated. There are experiences you get in a city that you get no where else. For me, it was coming to terms with my prejudiced background, learning that there was more outside the dinky town i grew up in, and finally discovering the diversity and culture that i craved. In the meantime i also learned how strong , adaptable and able to survive i really was on my own.
Over the years i navigated back and forth to small towns, developments, trailer parks, and often back to that city. The last time i did, i created a space for poets, musicians, artists, and creative folk of all types. It was my life long dream finally coming to fruition.
But there was also violence, poverty, homelessness, and lack of parking. The large space we had indoors was compromised by the tiny, muddy yard, horrible parking space and crowded conditions- not to mention not-so-savory neighbors most of the time. There was a lot of traffic and people noise and once the fireworks laws changed it became unbearable.The final straw was an upsurge of gang related crime on our block.
So, starting in August of 2019 i began my search for a home of my own.On Halloween night, we ( my roommate and i) moved into our new place, breathing a sigh of relief. It wasn’t my first home- i’d owned 3 before. But i hadn’t owned one in over 10 years and i had never owned one without at least SOME help from another person. This was my baby. My statement of independence. My rising from the ashes. And, as any home owner knows- my next project.
I can say it hasn’t been a money pit like my first one.That one was in the city and i basically gutted it and re did the entirety of it right down to upgrading a 50 year old electrical system. I sold it for a profit, bought another, sold that when the market was right, made a profit and bought a beautiful brand new one with my husband in 2007. We divorced in 2012 and i have either lived with a partner or rented since. No, this house is in pretty good shape.
That doesn’t mean however there haven’t been downsides and struggles. Right away we had to have HVAC work down to maintain the heat evenly. The water has very little pressure and is ‘harder’ than in the city . The downstairs toilet pretty much had to be rebuilt because it ran non stop despite all our efforts. Learning how much the ultilities would average in all things took the entire year as we understood we could not use the ancient dishwasher ( quadrupled our water bill). We also now know we have a skunk infestation under the house which has been not only annoying but they have chewed through wires as well.
Additionally, as i am allergic to almost everything, the brand new carpeting had to go( and there’s still more to be removed). We needed an art studio space and so vinyl tile was put in its place ( thanks roomie!). My room is on a separate heating system so no central air( i have to use a window unit) and baseboard heat both of which cost more in electricity . And , we are located in the middle of a long hill which is kind of like a valley so the wind is insane. At the moment we are struggling with trying to even be able to sit on our front porch to smoke ( yeah, i know…shhhh) without being pummeled with icy blasts..
Phew-ok..so my step 2 this time around is- “Embracing Patience”. After the first few months i realized i was overwhelmed with debt. I had to buy a new refridgerator which i spent way too much on for one thing because the house didn’t come with one and i wanted to upgrade. Between that and the above mentioned issues my debt (not even considering the 30 year mortgage) was beyond what i had imagined. I knew it would take months of frugality and budgeting to get back to some semblance of comfort financially speaking.
At some point though, i also understood that while i might be able to manage this, it really wont ever end. And so many of the things i want or need to do ( theres electrical work, painting, and other appliances to replace to mention a few) and they just are not gonna happen as quickly as i want. My credit card bills are a see saw– i pay them down then rack them back up. And it’s not just the house but other emergencies like car repairs or replacing necessary items like my laptop that has added to this.
It’s been a bit over a year now, and a month or so ago i had to come to terms with the fact that my impatient nature was just going to have to be patient. Here’s how i cope:
1.I do my budget about every 2 weeks and re assess. I pay what i can and don’t splurge too much. We added a roommate in August so i do have a little more coming in.And when i get some Art sales it really helps.
2.i utilize as much free help as i can and i pay friends with certain skills ( like replacing siding that has blown off) who need the cash right now. I buy or repurpose items to avoid spending when i can.
3. I use as much of any extra income i get from art sales and OT to pay down credit cards and i have sold a few large items that i no longer needed.
4. i still treat myself every now & again to something fun. If you don’t do it once in awhile, you will find yourself hating life.
5. i take deep breaths, tell myself it will all work out , be ok and i will survive. I have upgraded my self care , even though it costs money because i cant afford NOT to.
6. But most of all, i still go over a mental list as often as possible of all my blessings. There truly are so many.
I doubt this little blurb has helped anyone this time around but it’s a touch stone for me anyway. It helped me so much last year to do it and looking back i still see it’s value. So here’s to another year in my beautiful, independently owned, not quite a mansion but comfortable home!
When i started writing this blog i was focused on 2 things- social media and sobriety. At that time I had quoted the serenity prayer and I made the statement that the first year was about going to be about “change” and the second would be about “acceptance”…..i don’t believe i have ever been so on the mark. And with acceptance, comes humility.
Definition: “the quality or condition of being humble”
Humility and acceptance go hand in hand. As we know , along with so many changes, the past year has forced many of us to accept things we never thought we could or would have to:
wearing masks anytime we leave our homes
staying home more than we ever thought we would
being forced to utilize more technology for work, school, socializing
re working our budgets in the face of lay offs, etc
being super aware( and somewhat hyper-vigilant) of hygiene and germs
not being able to hug and stand close to others without hesitation
hunting for basic supplies like TP in the face of massive hoarding
using curbside pick up or delivery for things like groceries
sorting out real information about serious issues online from the propaganda
not being able to maintain the amount of discipline with ourselves as we had before.
and many other things.
From online i have watched friends, colleagues, family , etc . rail against some of this for days or weeks-some insisting that they would NOT allow their “freedoms” to be taken away..some sinking into deep depression over missing their usual family get togethers and the cancelling of events. A large % shouted out at the establishment for banning gatherings even in churches, insisting that if we could go get groceries or get to Walmart for supplies, we surely should be able to go to church.Many stated they would not patronize places that required masks. In the end, we have ALL had to work around the new rules. It was a tempest in a teapot reaction for most, who eventually had to come to terms with it, despite continued grumbling. Humility.
I was pretty much over my resistance after a month. I realized it is what it is and if i wanted to survive i would have to accept and compromise. In some areas, this required humility. I cant count the # of times i had to turn around and go back to my car to get my mask , mumbling under my breath the whole time.Humility.
But the pandemic rules weren’t the only area that forced my hand. I have had to come to terms with my alcohol choices as well this year- learning from each experience. From total abstinence, to limiting myself, to trying moderation- it’s been a matter of humility. I know now more than ever that i cannot stop once i start if there is anymore around (99% of the time) and that i still cannot drink like other people. I have had to face facts that FB is keeping the new format, the other platforms are not up to par ( at least yet) and that i have to deal with algorithm changes no matter how hard i have tried to circumvent them.In my relationship, i have had to accept that most times any tension has been a result of my own baggage and not anything based in current reality. i have had to apologize, look in the mirror, make changes and accept that life is ever changeable and sometimes we just don’t get our way. That’s called humility.
Currently , too there are those here in the U.S. who insist that the election results will be overturned. I believe in this too, many will experience humility.
I still refuse to use Zoom, or Tele Med for appointments. I still refuse to believe that this crisis will be around for another year or more- in my mind it sort of helps to keep hope alive. I still refuse to hoard supplies.And i will not , unless there is an absolute diagnosis of Covid , not see a few people in my “bubble” ( grandkids, boyfriend) nor will i quit my job caring for the child i have for 7 years at my job. Yet, even in these things- no one ever knows for sure what we may have to succumb to or accept.
It always brings to mind the saying-
“If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.”
If i have learned nothing else this year, it has been acceptance and humility. But along with it , i have learned that i am stronger and more adaptable that i ever knew possible. Sometimes, we just have to sit back , roll up our sleeves and prepare for the next battle- but with the knowledge that we have survived and become stronger in the process.
As a human species, we often believe we are more “vulnerable” than animals in the wild. We watch nature shows depicting the amazing ability of certain birds and mammals to migrate thousands of miles, withstand horrendous temperatures, and raise their young in spite of severe food and water shortages. Yes, nature itself is pretty darned amazing.
Often too, we look at our friends, neighbors, colleagues and even some family members and feel a sense of inferiority when we see them battling cancer, losing their homes or jobs, losing a child, raising a family with limited incomes, enduring other such tragedies with strength and resilience. We wonder how we would do under similar circumstances . Would we crumble in despair? How do they do it?
We watch celebrities pass away and wonder about their lives- their real lives- not the ones we see on screen. Sometimes, when their biographies are published or come out on film, we are shocked to learn of the hardships and trauma they dealt with behind closed doors. Robin Williams comes to mind for me. We saw his smiling face, laughed at his antics and never knew the depression and pain he was going through for many decades of his life. And again, we wonder about our own lives and abilities to cope.
This past year almost all of us have had to endure dramatic and unexpected changes. The pandemic was likely something none of us thought we would ever witness on a scale this large in our lifetimes. From daily updates on symptoms and precautions , to the number of deaths and cases reported to feelings of confusion, anger, anxiety and fear- we swiftly went from living our normal lives into an Twilight Zone episode.
In the U.S., our states have most of the control over which measures to take. Some states were hesitant to do much of anything out of fear their citizens would lose jobs, riot or protest, or hold their leaders responsible should this whole thing be a big “hoax”. While other states went to immediate extremes- road blocks in and out of their state, routine traffic stops to inquire about the necessity for travel, and closing the doors of state and local government buildings, shutting down large factories and plants, and some pretty harsh penalties for any establishments not following orders. Restaurants in our state were required to close indoor dining , then by august were able to reopen at certain capacities, and were given such rules as no more than 2 alcoholic drinks per person and that they must be served with food. Crazy!With each state making their own rules, chaos and discontent ruled the land, social media went into an uproar with angry accusations and those bashing others for leaving their homes for any reason at all. Our own president sent tweets out calling for states to reopen ,encouraging his supporters to disobey restrictions and carry on as usual .All of this has led to an even worse problem and a huge increase in overall deaths, cases, and a sense of rebellion about the entire crisis.
As a nurse, changes were daily. At first we were mandated to wear face coverings which could be made of cloth. Within 2 weeks , we were told we could no longer wear cloth protection and had to wear surgical masks. At my agency, we were given a supply of about 50 then told 1 week later to discard those masks because they were changing suppliers and we were permitted to only use the new brands . Within a few months, face shields were mandated. we were not allowed to attend large gatherings, talk about the affects of the virus publicly , or voice our opinion on any of it lest we lose our jobs. Kids were not allowed to attend school for about 6 months but then suddenly were told they would be going back.
I could go on. But i am sure most of you have experienced similar discrepancies and confusing requirements no matter where you are. Many days i wondered how in the world i was going to make it through. I both feared for my safety, my job and the lives of those i cared for as well as felt angry that it seemed so impossible for such a thing to be happening for real. In fact, i doubted it was real for about 2 whole months. Then , reality hit hard as i started seeing people die. The stress of the unknown , the fears, the anger and frustration started piling up and i cannot express how many times i thought i would just break down.
But here i am. Here WE are. Yes, if you are reading- again- you are here. To me this is proof positive of the amazing ability we have to adapt to our situations, no matter how dire-or dire they seem.Even now, as we face yet another possible lock down as many in Europe and other countries are..i know we can get through this…because adaptability is our super power.
Some of the ways i adapted:
with the masks , i just kept following the rules. Some masks gave me a mild rash, others made me sneeze, and some were hard to breath in. But being a nurse, i had no choice. I could only take breaks as often as possible and deal with it..In spite of it, i lived and am still wearing them.
when facebook changed their format they also changed algorithms and stunted my online sales tremendously. I tried another platform, which didn’t work out and ultimately opened a new account on facebook to start fresh while keeping the old one. It worked for about 2 weeks then algorithms caught up to me again. Currently i use the new account to post my own art, the old one to share others art. My hope is community continuity, networking and word of mouth will eventually pay off. I also plan to post more art on this blog as well. In the meantime, focusing on improving my skills .
eating became a nightmare for me. After losing 15 lbs. in December /January- i regained about 7 due to poor eating habits and no motivation to change it. I still struggle but always add at least 2-3 salads a week and have added supplements .
exercise- zero motivation from February till about May. Tried to start walking again but stopped in June. Added Yoga but not consistently. Finally re joined my old gym last week and trying to get a routine down.
Sleep– or lack of has been a huge issue since June.I have tried various supplements and finally called my doctor for a script. It did not help. I started adjusting my sleep times- staying awake longer in the morning, taking a nap before work and then breaking it into 2 time frames. Today i am going to try sleeping only until my mind/body say NO, then up until afternoon and sleep as long as i can. Still not sure what the issue is- stress, menopause, another health issue , something yet unknown, or maybe all of the above.
lack of socializing- i still get online a few times a day, but i don’t stay on as long. I still do not go out unless i need to ( groceries, work, etc) but i do see my grandkids once a month, have 2 roommates and my boyfriend. It’s a LOT less than before, but i am surviving.
pain- with all of the stress my levels have been very high. I have added CBD ( in spite of a mild allergy) as well as been going to my chiropractor once a week and having a deep tissue massage once per month. I do have a mild PRN script for pain but take only half a dose every other day.I bought a new neck device and a new pillow. I can only hope that over time, and with the above plans, it will lessen.
There are many things besides this that i ( and many of us) have had to adapt to. It’s never a magic wand or overnight cure. Usually it’s just pressing on and doing the work to find solutions. Pretty boring, repetitive, and frustrating..but ultimately it’s the day to day that gets us there.I look back at many situations that , at the time, i thought would never resolve and now know that many have. It was not in my expected or desired timeframe and not usually on the first or tenth try..but they did.
We navigate life a bit like a drunken squirrel at times, swaying and diving, scooting and taking a break. We feel lost , out of balance, and fearful. But in the end, here we are..
Adapting and surviving …and growing faster than any species on the planet.
What can one say that hasn’t already been said? My world , along with everyone else’s has been pretty much flipped upside down , right side up, backwards, forwards, and then spinning in a new direction almost every week. From murder hornets to flying snakes to demon sex in the news..to befuddling information about the cases of Covid 19…to an election here in the U.S. rivaling that of Godzilla vs. King Kong.
Stephen King would have thrown this book out only to be quickly picked up by John Waters and made into a film.
I promised a few posts ago that i would be starting The 10 New Steps for changing my life once again. i will be starting with how I have navigated this pandemic and political environment, what’s changed , and what i hope to get out of it as a life challenge.But this post is a pre-emptive for better understanding .
So let’s begin.
I have been over most of my own highlights of the year a few times in previous posts . In short:
I started the year with one year completely sober, and 2 months smoke free
around February everything started changing and by March we started getting the first real announcements about Covid 19.
Actual restrictions began and almost all events, many businesses, and church gatherings came to a halt, and my roommate and i gave up our monthly events as well.
In my case, i met the new love of my life . Soon after, i found out my brother had cancer.
The entire year, social media was besieged with political propaganda as never seen before.
Here we are in November, barely managing to wrap our heads around the drama of the election.
That’s it in a nutshell.
It’s been a lot for everyone. Let’s start with the pandemic part.. what have we learned ? Some of the most popular answers i’ve come across are:
1.learning to appreciate teachers, homeschoolers, and the value of the internet for education
2.rediscovering our families
3. finding ways to battle loneliness, depression and anxiety- and more compassion for those who have suffered with it all their lives.
4. rediscovering the joys of art, crafts, hobbies, and long forgotten passions
5.balancing new budgets
6. more attention to our health( and also how to make masks more fashionable-lol..just kidding!)
and the correlating Negatives:
realizing you really didn’t know your kids/family as well as you thought, and how tough it is to be “stuck” at home with them all the time
realizing how much time you spend on social media out of boredom
learning that although we usually crave “me” time- too much is not so great either
feeling the effects of a large decrease in socialization, even if you considered yourself a loner before
spending way more money on items ordered online to keep our minds busy
being paranoid that every little cough/symptom might be a sign of impending death
In short, we have learned the art of adaptation, and have come to understand we are stronger than we thought possible. After all , if you are reading this you are still alive.Adaptation will be covered in my step 1 .
As for the political part, we have watched our nation become more divided than ever before thanks to internet and media propaganda. Artificial intelligence has taken political polarity to new heights and has led to the destruction of friendships, families, and relationships of all types. We have watched people we thought we knew well turn into raving, spiteful, angry entities in such an unbelievably short time it blows the mind. Instead of sporting cute bumper stickers on our vehicles and colorful garden flags in our yards, we have seen an upsurge of historical symbols of hate ( nazi flags, confederate flags, etc. ) and bumper stickers shouting such things as “Fuck Your Feelings” as a political catch phrase.
On the plus side- many have realized that spending too much time online has led to increased anxiety, depression and anger. More and more documentaries have made their way into the mainstream regarding the effects of social media and thus, a larger % have chosen to decrease their usage , even if only for a short time. Additionally, at least at the moment, the election itself is finally over for the most part and finally the junk mail , political ads, and pushes to register to vote are decreasing.
We have learned the art of humility. In essence, realizing that despite the false promises of online socialization, we are none-the- less NOT an island unto ourselves . We are social creatures , but we need real life socialization as well. No amount of screen time of going to make you feel loved, nor can it suffice as substitute physical contact/interaction for very long. And even the most staunch tech user has been forced to admit this..Humility will also be covered in step 1.
I hope you will journey with me as i begin this new adventure..
Today was the first day i woke without immediate anxiety since June. Yup, you read that right. Although i usually eventually come down and even out within a few hours, today was a complete surprise.
I had a great evening painting with my boyfriend. We didn’t stay up too late as he had to work by 1230p today. I slept well in spite of all my usual fears. When i woke at 8a feeling strangely calm and even a bit energetic. It continued for many hours and i was forced to ask myself why- i mean, surely something out of the ordinary had happened. And then it hit me…it DID.
For the first time in 4 long years, many of my friends online were joyous and breathing a sigh of relief. Those i had watched break down after the last election and spend these past 4 years in deep sorrow, anger and unable to get a handle on it. My online feed was so much more pleasant and joyful.
Now let me be clear- i have a huge amount of diversity on my friends list, so i did indeed see many negative, hateful post from “the other side” ( all of which i snoozed for 30 days with the hope this will calm down). These include 95% of my high school friends and family who have been a T-man supporter with great emphasis . The ones i have had to endure listening to, trying to block out emotionally, and /or unfollowing at times just to get some peace of mind. I still love them after all, and i would not walk away like so many others.
But the difference was seeing my left wing friends finally showing hope. It has also been a nightmare for me watching many of them go through major issues , losing so much ground, and feeling completely exhausted trying to fight back . And while i can claim ZERO credit for this turn of events, it has lightened my hearts burden tremendously.
You see, i love people on both ends of it, despite the conflict. I have watched in horror as the division became so great that long time friends, family members, colleagues and even strangers were at each others throats-often culminating in complete alienation. I have walked a very very very tricky tight rope all these years doing my best to stay neutral. On rare occasions i have slipped and tried to be a peacemaker or show one side the perspective of the other- all to no avail and in fact sometimes, lost someone myself in the process. In the last few months, i completely gave up…just posted art and pun memes, then decided to move into another Fb account , starting over completely.
The surprise in doing so had been a renewed connection with my family, meeting new people and having only those who actually went out of their way to follow me on the new page. I post my art without feeling a need to sell it now, and have dedicated the old page to sharing others art since it has 4 times as many friends on the list. So far, it’s working in that regard..i gained a tiny measure of contentment.
But now, i look forward to at least a short moment in time seeing people once again smiling.
A few days ago, i mentioned having to make a new 10 Steps that takes into consideration changes that have occurred not only in my personal life, but also in the world as we know it. Of course this includes the pandemic as well as( to a lesser degree) some political stuff. I will refrain from posting this until after our election on November 3rd as some of my considerations must include the results of such. Even though today it seems like Groundhogs Day and the election crap will never end.
I have reviewed my first 10 step list and i am pretty clear on asserting that they maintain their validity . Even as i read them, i was renewed in spirit and purpose about going forward, with the knowledge that i had indeed captured the essence of my intent.
So now the tough work begins again. How shall i proceed? Do i refine or break down the previous steps? Come up with a whole new list? or Combine both ideas? I am sure many writers ( the more well known ones) go through this process as well after they have finally written a book that sold successfully . I mean, my question would surely be “How so i do better or at least equal that?”
Contemplating this monumental task is daunting even for someone like me with a teeny tiny blog on the internet. I cannot even begin to imagine the pressure of a world wide best seller author.
But then i realized…not a single one of the those steps were pre planned. I started blogging about going off social media and decided to start adding in some miscellanious life challenges i had faced in my own experience with the small hope that even one person might someday read and gain value from. I still hope this with each post i make. I harbor no illusions that i will ever become a successful , well known writer in any sense!Hell, i can’t even get my boyfriend, new roommate, or family members to read ( although my daughter occasionally throws me a bone). So much for being the female version of the Dos Equis dude! lol…
So, it’s really not that monumental after all. Just gonna create a very vague outline first. And i need to start i believe with what has changed. Here goes:
The pandemic and political considerations
I have been a homeowner again now for exactly one year (October 31st)
I am no longer “single”
I am back on Facebook, have 2 accounts, and a whole different way of using said accounts
I have 2 roommates now, and the new addition is still a learning curve for all of us.
Working at a new agency with different pay and benefits
Menopause has become very very real. Being over 50 has become much more real.
I am no longer a “tee-totaler”. But i am most certainly no longer the drunk, helpless, uncontrolled alcoholic i once was.
I am very much less involved in my community
Because of all of the above, finances have changed and been affected whether directly or indirectly
I am awake before the sun. I say this with the strangeness that most day shifters cannot grasp because , normally, i am already awake at that hour and looking forward to getting in bed around 8 a.m.
But yesterday , after many months of almost total isolation from anything more social than a small family gathering or two, i did something. I went to a hand fasting ceremony at a Ren Faire to honor a friend, renewing their vows. Then spent some time wandering the grounds and looking at cool stuff. Of course, despite my current knowledge that i must soon sit down and commit to a few months of frugality, i acquired these gems…
Sigh..i simply could not resist. After all, i will be spending an entire winter indoors, slaving away and paying off debt, with very little in the way of entertaining diversions and an inevitable “second lockdown”. And my inner pirate had been crying out for new treasure for a while now. So there it is.
However, i awaken today in a hypochondriacs wet dream. Every symptom of everything my mind can conjure up. Stuffy nose, cough, and a few digestive things i wont get into. My first thought- “Wonderful- i go out and do ONE thing since March, and i probably got Covid.” Lord, will this be the new normal i have heard tell of? Once upon a time, i would have just thought “Great, another cold -maybe. Oh well, just a cold at best. No worries.” That being said, an hour or so and a cup or 2 of coffee later, i feel just fine. A bit off my schedule maybe, but nothing major.
However, i am sure throughout the day ..or maybe even the next few- i will waver back and forth over every little “symptom” and wonder if i made a terrible decision. Bigger sighs.
The point of all this is that, just a bit ago, as i sat on my front porch in the breaking of day, the deepest thought reared it’s ugly head. “What if i die tomorrow?”
Now, it’s not as if i haven’t had that thought before over the years. I think all of us have. But it’s the questions that come after that get the most attention. And after all the little ones cycle through( “would i be missed? /Would anyone care? /Good Lord- what have i even left for my children except debt?”..and on and on) the one i am left with is:
“If i KNEW i was going to die tomorrow, what would i do RIGHT NOW?”
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
There are so many answers to that one it blows the mind really. I mean that’s like 24 hours to do everything i should have been doing for 53 years. And it has me totally in it’s thrall at the moment.
One thing i will say though is, i wouldn’t be regretting buying those cool weapons yesterday. Because in spite of all the other stuff i need to think on, i got something that made me happy ( superficial , yes, but still), i saw some good friends( after not seeing almost anyone for months) and experienced a little slice of life before i went. And in the end, i certainly can take that off the list of regrets.