I am awake before the sun. I say this with the strangeness that most day shifters cannot grasp because , normally, i am already awake at that hour and looking forward to getting in bed around 8 a.m.
But yesterday , after many months of almost total isolation from anything more social than a small family gathering or two, i did something. I went to a hand fasting ceremony at a Ren Faire to honor a friend, renewing their vows. Then spent some time wandering the grounds and looking at cool stuff. Of course, despite my current knowledge that i must soon sit down and commit to a few months of frugality, i acquired these gems…
Sigh..i simply could not resist. After all, i will be spending an entire winter indoors, slaving away and paying off debt, with very little in the way of entertaining diversions and an inevitable “second lockdown”. And my inner pirate had been crying out for new treasure for a while now. So there it is.
However, i awaken today in a hypochondriacs wet dream. Every symptom of everything my mind can conjure up. Stuffy nose, cough, and a few digestive things i wont get into. My first thought- “Wonderful- i go out and do ONE thing since March, and i probably got Covid.” Lord, will this be the new normal i have heard tell of? Once upon a time, i would have just thought “Great, another cold -maybe. Oh well, just a cold at best. No worries.” That being said, an hour or so and a cup or 2 of coffee later, i feel just fine. A bit off my schedule maybe, but nothing major.
However, i am sure throughout the day ..or maybe even the next few- i will waver back and forth over every little “symptom” and wonder if i made a terrible decision. Bigger sighs.
The point of all this is that, just a bit ago, as i sat on my front porch in the breaking of day, the deepest thought reared it’s ugly head. “What if i die tomorrow?”
Now, it’s not as if i haven’t had that thought before over the years. I think all of us have. But it’s the questions that come after that get the most attention. And after all the little ones cycle through( “would i be missed? /Would anyone care? /Good Lord- what have i even left for my children except debt?”..and on and on) the one i am left with is:
“If i KNEW i was going to die tomorrow, what would i do RIGHT NOW?”
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
There are so many answers to that one it blows the mind really. I mean that’s like 24 hours to do everything i should have been doing for 53 years. And it has me totally in it’s thrall at the moment.
One thing i will say though is, i wouldn’t be regretting buying those cool weapons yesterday. Because in spite of all the other stuff i need to think on, i got something that made me happy ( superficial , yes, but still), i saw some good friends( after not seeing almost anyone for months) and experienced a little slice of life before i went. And in the end, i certainly can take that off the list of regrets.
So , there’s that.