Sometimes days or weeks can go by and i do not have a single thing to write about. But this isn’t one of them.
The problem is, there is so much to say, i cannot begin to put together the thoughts into words that would have any power or meaning behind them to effectively project the intensity . And it’s because of that intensity, i have almost become numb.What else is there to say anyway?
I am watching the world around me go completely crazy, and watch some of my previous thoughts and statements become almost prophecies fulfilled. I have both conquered and i have failed. But we are free, at least, aren’t we?
As a non participator in politics, i watch as the various groups continue to bark orders, make demands, incite violence and vie for position in the ring. I watch family members changing into brainwashed drones, even taking classes to learn how to keep their civil “liberties”. I watch friends i’ve known since high school becoming people of middle earth- the Ringwraiths, Orcs, and Balrogs. And i watch those scorned for being ‘different’ fight and rise, then disappear again from sheer exhaustion. I am not sure who i am among them.
In a world wallowing in the anxiety of a pandemic, i struggle to find my own way. There is no need to reach out when i am drowning, because others are also drowning and cannot help..So i keep swimming, always in a rip tide, my head bobbing up for air when i get a lucky break.
With a mindset that seems very different from the rest, i make my art, pay my bills, set goals, and navigate obstacles breath by breath. I no longer defend my positions or actions.No one hears or notices or cares. I just do them. But, we are free , aren’t we?
Governed by the violent, tread on by the powerful, pushed this way and that by the shifting tectonic plates, our footholds are tenuous at best. We find a temporary reprieve in accomplishments, or by dropping out or managing everyday crisis or joining the ranks of false activism.
And I find this freedom to be an imposter, a sham, forcing us to wear mask figuratively and literally. To both hide and cry out, to be fearful and rebellious. To straddle the lines of sanity and depravity. We are free to be alone –on a cold and barren shore.
But…we are free.