Even though Friday was rough, i made it through and by Saturday afternoon the mental fog had cleared. My BF and i had the most wonderful evening together (without alcohol and no awkwardness.) I do not think in all of our 8 months together i ever felt so calm and comfortable with him , or as close. Phew!yay for sobriety!
What can i say about day 28? I can say it’s much much better than day 1-27…but getting even this far hasn’t been without struggles. There were days i thought i wouldn’t make it through- once again questioning how i would be able to deal with so many things without my weekly fix to look forward to or the easy way around dealing with anxiety. In fact, thats what i want to post about tonight. Anxiety.
I don’t know about the rest of ya’ll but this month for me has been THE worst of all the months of the pandemic. I was sick and had to go through the ordeal of Covid testing in addition to having both doses of the vaccine. I just restarted my recovery after having to admit to relapse. I am also starting the process of quitting smoking again. In addition, my ( peri)menopausal symptoms have been making a screaming come back– rolling hot flashes being the least of it. Not to mention the constant issues with winter weather and loss of income.The result of all this has been extreme anxiety- more frequent and on a scale i have never had before. Days have gone by when i literally feared i was losing my grip on reality, such was the constant fear. But i believe i am finally coming out of the fog ( fingers crossed-hard!)
In that regard, i decided that i needed to push as hard as i could to fight back. Every little measure i can think of- yoga, meditation, lots of water, and a renewed spiritual connection . I even went so far as to scrape all of the black paint off of my bedroom windows and remove all of the room darkening paraphernalia that comes with a decades-long night shift schedule. The only component i kept was the black out curtains which i can draw back as often as possible to let some light into my bedroom when i am not sleeping. My intentions are to bring some low maintenance plants into the room as well to actually have some “life” in my sleeping quarters for the first time in years. I recently bought a large water fountain for my entry way and intend to get a smaller version for my room as well. I did a lot of organizing and purging and even replaced all of my smoke detector batteries..So i feel a (small) sense of accomplishment.
I am determined to win this war against this recently-surfaced demon, and all of his friends.We will ‘come to terms’ and live in peace. I have my battle plan, i have my inner strength, and i have my support system.