So after mulling the situation over i have decided to continue with this blog.I will be taking longer breaks though at times in order that i might not get ahead of myself working through recovery(s). I have continued to read and comment on other blogs and still enjoy that as it feels like some kind of missing connection to the world these days.
Admission: I have failed in my efforts to quit smoking completely on March 17th after 16 days on the patch and gum, with only a few brief slips. I have not given up. Going to re-try as many times as i have to till it sticks. It is hard as hell…..
However, I have succeeded in my sobriety so far and have waited to post until i hit that 60 day mark today.I can honestly say that other circumstances have been taking such a toll that i have rarely even thought about drinking – Health issues, depression and tobacco withdrawal have been a priority. However, i did have one particularly strong trigger last weekend and had other conditions been right, i may very well have caved.
I was at my BF’s place by the creek. It was the first time i had been there with him for a long while. He was happily enjoying the afternoon with his own “vice”( of which i never indulge in), while i was raw and sober and still trying not to smoke . I was a bit resentful . However- being outdoors in the beautiful weather, watching a bubbling creek, and having a small campfire while knowing my significant other was able to indulge hit me hard. i just wanted a few beers in the WORST WAY…. I could only maintain my restraint for about 3 hours and even though i adore the place, i knew i had to get outta there before i caved to my impulses.
One more thing before i close. I wanted to express that throughout the process of deciding whether or not to continue here i truly had to face myself and ask some uncomfortable questions. And it came down to this…
Q: Why was i feeling so depressed that i would consider leaving a community that had supported me so strongly for so long ?
A: The honest answer is this, folks. I was embarrassed that i had failed after 15 months of complete sobriety. I felt like a total loser, still do mostly…Many of you that i consider my core group are those who started their journey at the same time or AFTER my own and have been able to maintain your sobriety and are now even further along than i ultimately managed. When you start out as a success story and end up an example of relapsing , it hits you hard. When you start out giving advice and end up needing it plus some of your own, it hits you even harder. It humbles you to a degree you never imagined..Self examination is a bitch.
I am still dealing with deep depression issues.But i am working on it every day.Walking, yoga, meditation, deep breathing and even got to the gym once.I am forcing it right now and it brings me up a few levels when i spend at least 3-4 hours at it each day. I am praying some day the “feel goods” will stay put without so much effort
Thank you to everyone who responded and commented on my last post. It was the fuel i needed..You are all so wonderful..