60 Days- again

So after mulling the situation over i have decided to continue with this blog.I will be taking longer breaks though at times in order that i might not get ahead of myself working through recovery(s). I have continued to read and comment on other blogs and still enjoy that as it feels like some kind of missing connection to the world these days.

Admission: I have failed in my efforts to quit smoking completely on March 17th after 16 days on the patch and gum, with only a few brief slips. I have not given up. Going to re-try as many times as i have to till it sticks. It is hard as hell…..

However, I have succeeded in my sobriety so far and have waited to post until i hit that 60 day mark today.I can honestly say that other circumstances have been taking such a toll that i have rarely even thought about drinking Health issues, depression and tobacco withdrawal have been a priority. However, i did have one particularly strong trigger last weekend and had other conditions been right, i may very well have caved.

I was at my BF’s place by the creek. It was the first time i had been there with him for a long while. He was happily enjoying the afternoon with his own “vice”( of which i never indulge in), while i was raw and sober and still trying not to smoke . I was a bit resentful . However- being outdoors in the beautiful weather, watching a bubbling creek, and having a small campfire while knowing my significant other was able to indulge hit me hard. i just wanted a few beers in the WORST WAY…. I could only maintain my restraint for about 3 hours and even though i adore the place, i knew i had to get outta there before i caved to my impulses.

One more thing before i close. I wanted to express that throughout the process of deciding whether or not to continue here i truly had to face myself and ask some uncomfortable questions. And it came down to this…

Q: Why was i feeling so depressed that i would consider leaving a community that had supported me so strongly for so long ?

A: The honest answer is this, folks. I was embarrassed that i had failed after 15 months of complete sobriety. I felt like a total loser, still do mostly…Many of you that i consider my core group are those who started their journey at the same time or AFTER my own and have been able to maintain your sobriety and are now even further along than i ultimately managed. When you start out as a success story and end up an example of relapsing , it hits you hard. When you start out giving advice and end up needing it plus some of your own, it hits you even harder. It humbles you to a degree you never imagined..Self examination is a bitch.

I am still dealing with deep depression issues.But i am working on it every day.Walking, yoga, meditation, deep breathing and even got to the gym once.I am forcing it right now and it brings me up a few levels when i spend at least 3-4 hours at it each day. I am praying some day the “feel goods” will stay put without so much effort

Thank you to everyone who responded and commented on my last post. It was the fuel i needed..You are all so wonderful..

Namaste!

Author:

nurse, mother, artist, and chameleon ...

39 thoughts on “60 Days- again

  1. We are all work in progress as humans. Give yourself a break its only natural to stumble every now and then. Its how you get back up that counts not the falling down part!

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  2. Aww, bless you! I would come up with a plan for when BF has his chill out time. When Husband is pouring the pints and snacking away, I just go do something else for a while: go for a walk, gather a bouquet, read a book somewhere else, even go to bed! He’s like, wow it’s early for bed and I go well I can go to bed when I like. Maybe bring some of your artwork or a sketchbook so you can take off and go chill and draw for a while. Do you do watercolour? That’s a good travelling medium. You can make pictures really fast. I treated myself to the most expensive paints a few years ago and I will never go back, the colours are divine.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. oh my wow..i didnt know you painted! and yes! i do water colors, almost every day! i use daniel smith on arches block. I spent over 12 years doing acrylics on canvas and then switched about 2 years ago…lol..some i’ve posted on my page here but i am very prolific…anyway..yeah. i would do what you suggested but his chill out time is almost every day.I’d never see him..i hadnt been to his home by the creek ( with him anyway)since around October. he always comes to my place too so i didnt wanna be rude….it was more about the combination of things than the single vice. I just have to do what i can as i go..he knows and understands and doesnt get angry about it:)

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      1. I think as long as he lets you figure it out that seems good. Mostly now Husband can do his thing and it doesn’t bother me at all. But on the days it does I try to find something else to do. My thinking now is with people triggering me “if I can’t see it, I can’t get worked up about it.” And it’s up to me to sort myself out. That’s how I’m thinking about it. My good friend Nine Years Sober he lives in Japan and he’s told me stories of going out to a restaurant with his wife and she orders a sake tasting meal. can you imagine? He said there’s three sakes lined up and she just sips away through the entire meal. He said he just took a smell, but was able to let her enjoy herself, so it is possible to manage it all… eventually. Ha ha I guess you don’t need any watercolour advice!!! I’m rubbish at it, but it’s fun and def not as messy as other paints. I’m doing a project now in exterior and furniture paints, what a pain, horrible paints!

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  3. Way to go on 60 days! I can relate to this post so much. The feelings of jealousy that a partner can indulge in vices (my husband drinks and I often think “it’s not fair”, but that’s just me wanting an excuse to escape). The feeling like a loser that sobriety didn’t stick with me right away the way it seems to have for others (as if somehow that makes me “bad” or I’m doing something wrong).
    So glad you’ve decided to stick around the blog world – I’m rooting for you and will continue to read and comment. ♥ Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Everyone’s path is different. As you know, I wobbled as well, and although I’m enjoying sobriety now, I can never say never for the future. There’s no shame in following your own path. Please don’t feel like you failed! It just isn’t true. And there really is a lot of wisdom in that one day at a time saying. Hugs! 🤗

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  5. Please stay. All our stories, no matter what they look like, are vital.
    If I had started blogging sooner I would have had so many starts and stops. I don’t even really think I needed to get sober back then, at least not out loud. In my heart I knew different.

    I also find we need to talk/write about the life that comes with being sober. Yes, sobriety changed everything for the better for me, but that doesn’t mean my life is perfect! I have had deep depression, a shitty divorce, career setback, mother issues, etc.

    For me, sobriety means that amongst the suffering that is life, I occasionally exhale and relax into contentment. I know I am on the right path.

    Please keep sharing. We will hold your had, and will look for hand holding back from you.

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. so much wisdom in these words…i know we all suffer in our own way…sometimes i need to hear that more than i admit. I am mostly content with my recommitment, but i know there are more bumps and hurdles ahead..thanks so much Anne!

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      1. Sometimes I’ve seen them end up in the admin side of WordPress. Go into My Site – Comments and it may be there waiting for you to approve since the comment had a url in it.

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      2. holy wow…i’m gonna watch that every day..incredibly powerful..i cant thank you enough! weird too that i knew a good bit of the movie scenes being shown – now i gotta go back and re watch those them! ALSO- i never even know about that area on WP– so ty for that too!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh Lovie! I read your post hours ago but was running out the door for work. Hoped to get a minute to respond, but haven’t until now.
    Never feel like a failure! One great thing about here is I have failed countless times and this community keeps me going! They never judge nor care. I could fail 10,000 times and this friendship here would just keep encouraging me on! I am not perfect. Everyone here knows it but I keep improving, I keep making myself better. You are doing just that! Just keep, keeping on! ❤️😍

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    1. that means so much to me jacqueline….i often feel like i am gonna fail 10,000 times! i am ever so grateful for the support and freindships here..i cant express that loudly enough or strongly enough! ty so much for responding…every single response is so essential…hugs and thank you!!!!

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  7. Depression is a beast of a thing and can really hit us hard. I didn’t believe that anyone here (not anyone with a kind spirit anyway) would ever judge you as a failure. BUT … and here is the thing … we judge ourselves and far too harshly. You achieved sobriety and you tried moderation. It didn’t work for you and you have chosen to go back on the sobriety train once again. That’s it. No more, no less. There are 95% of people who drink heavily that could not have done that. On here, in our community, we are but a handful of people wanting to achieve sobriety or a level of moderation that will make us feel good about ourselves and content with our lives. Not one of us is perfect. In truth many of us stop and start again, some after 4 plus years of not drinking. It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things to help your depression. It can take a really long time and I needed antidepressants to give me the ‘foot up’. I still need them and boy do I battle with depression and anxiety even now and even though I am sober. It does not solve all life’s problems and challenges, not by a long shot, but it does mean I can surf the waves and not drown in the sea. I am glad you are staying with us. Post as much as you want and need to. It’s for you, not anyone else. Claire 🤗💕

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    1. tytyty! as usual , you have lifted my spirits Claire. You are right, i have to stop bashing myself. But as you know it’s easier to say that and know it logically than to actually do it.I have faith that if i keep doing the right things as often and consistently as i can, there will be some relief. I so wish i could take the SSRI’s but i have such bad reactions.So, gonna have to rough it.. big hugs!

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  8. I’m glad you are continuing, I quite often enjoy reading your writing, perspective, persistence, but I didn’t want to comment, because I didn’t want my dependence to influence your decision as a writer. With so many things to do in life, the decision about what to devote time to is more serious than it seems at first, more personal, I was influenced a lot by a post about a poet who died in 1926:

    “You ask whether your verses are good. You ask me. You have asked others before. You send them to magazines. You compare them with other poems, and you are disturbed when certain edi­tors reject your efforts. Now (since you have allowed me to advise you) I beg you to give up all that.

    You are looking outward, and that above all you should not do now. Nobody can counsel and help you, nobody.

    There is only one single way. Go into yourself. Search for the reason that bids you write; find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest places of your heart, acknowledge to yourself whether you would have to die if it were denied you to write. This above all-ask yourself in the stillest hour of your night: must I write? Delve into yourself for a deep answer. And if this should be affirmative, if you may meet this earnest question with a strong and simple “I must,” then build your life according to this necessity; your life even into its most indifferent and slightest hour must be a sign of this urge and a testimony to it.”

    The full article about Rainer Maria Rilke https://readingundertheolivetree.com/2021/01/17/on-writing-better-rainer-maria-rilke/

    So I didn’t want to get in between your decision, but I’m happy about it. Right now I’m potty training one kid and night weaning and also looking for a therapist and adjusting a neurological treatment for the other so that, even though it’s different than quitting smoking and not drinking, it’s in some sense similar, in that it’s kind of a brutal place that isn’t the same as “normal life”. I really enjoy the variety of your posts, because I like to wonder about how the different faces of life interplay, and the average blog doesn’t show that, it’s just mostly showing someone’s strongest face or expertise and ignoring the whole.

    I think one aspect that makes people drop out of blogging is simply that it’s hard to keep writing, even writers struggle with consistency and when someone is not a “writer” but still writing, that challenge still applies. ✍🏼

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