No One’s Coming to Save You

I haven’t posted in a bit because i have been dealing with some medical and emotional issues. When stuff like that happens i have a difficult time trying to find motivation to write, but i finally sat down to do so because some of you have asked after me and i am honestly grateful so, just giving the update. It’s a long read so if you haven’t the time i won’t be offended. At worst, I will be able to come back to it in a years time and hopefully see how far i have come, and overcome.Here goes:

-I had a small lesion on my nose checked out because 2 decades ago i twice had similar ones in the same area that turned out to be cancerous. They were cut out and fortunately left only small scars. The pathology on this one came back as mixed- a wart and a pre-cancerous area. The doctor removed the surface layer for a biopsy and it just came back so with the check up they decided to treat it as a wart and froze it. I expect this will take several visits. Each visit has a $50 copay. But they say less chance of scarring.

-I had a crown put in about a month ago. This was the 5th one overall in the last few years. During the process and old crown came off right beside it which they had to reattach. It was a grueling 3 hour process for one visit. Afterwards i was told that they both had cavities under them that would continue to decay but that the crowns would maybe give me 5 years.They couldn’t drill any deeper or not enough tooth would be left to attach a crown. The cost is $1500 out of pocket every time i get one. Then i was told if there was continued pain with chewing i would likely need a root canal and then a crown on top of that, and in a few years probably need an implant. No idea what a root canal will cost but and implant out of pocket is thousands for me. I have had continued pain so all of this is likely.

-My PCP ordered yearly blood work, which i had done a few weeks ago. I’ve have never had any issues. This time, my BUN was high and eGFR was low, as well as 2 lipid results being off. I had a heart doctor check up appointment a few days later. After discussing it , we agreed it may be dehydration and an accumulation of heart meds, or a high protein diet. Or it may be none of that and something worse. For non medicals out there, this is all related to kidney function which could be related to heart issues. We decided to cut my meds in half, to really start hydrating and re-test in a month. I am very upset about this change, however, and nervous.It has completely stunned me.

-Next i had an in Body scan end of March. I wasn’t unhappy but i wasn’t thrilled. It showed decent muscle mass but a higher body fat than i wanted. I was still in normal BMI range so i wasn’t too concerned. I scheduled a session with a menopause certified nutrition coach which i had yesterday.In the interim i purchased a life fit scale which shows similar bio counts. In a week i was able to drop 3 lbs and lower fat by about 1%. I was pleased. Until i had the session with the nutrition coach who did another in Body scan which show an increase in body fat and decrease in muscle mass. Depression ensued. I am just lost as far as what my diet should be but should be getting the recommended program from her in a few days. Untill then, i am stuck with whatever food i have left in the house and will get groceries based on her recommendations.

-In the past week i picked up a respiratory bug from my patient. I have been coughing and such and it has cost me several nights of work/income, a week of at the gym and a visit with my grandson ( not to mention some OTC meds to get through it). I haven’t been sick the entire pandemic with respiratory issues but i know when i get one it takes forever to go away.

-Today i had a make up session with my coach. I couldn’t manage the cardio or core work ( chest feels like lead) but did get through the weightlifting part, albeit modified. I feel like my body has really been letting me down lately despite my most valiant efforts in nutrition, exercise and self care.

And all of this my friends , on top of daily life crap that i won’t go into, has pushed me back into a bit of a depressive state, which always scares me after the full year i spent in a deep one, and would not wish that on my worst enemy.

The tough part, but also having the most benefit to me mentally, is knowing that no one is coming to save me. There is no cavalry. Sure, people will send prayers and hugs and say “i hope you feel better soon” but the bottom line is, everyone is always dealing with their own issues as well. Which is why i truly HATE burdening anyone with mine. I know, deep in my soul, i am the ONLY one who can save ME.

I have a friend or two i talk to and that has been helpful. But at the moment i am just struggling to get through the everyday. I know i can do this. I have the skills, the willpower, the inner strength and fortitude. I will not fail. I will not retreat.

Joyce Meyer says these are “flesh days” -when feels sorry for themselves- and they only last as long as you allow them to. The sooner you pull yourself up, get back on your feet, pick up your armor, and continue marching the sooner you will heal and in the process , gain more strength from the experience. YOU are your own cavalry.

I hope all of my friends are doing well out there and i am still reading your posts, commenting as time allows. Big hugs, wishes for you success, healing and inner peace and-


These are “Trying” Times?

As i sat at work tonight , letting yet another shift go by that i have not practiced my art (and there have been quite a few recently), the guilty conscience that inhabits my body without paying rent started to get on my case.

“Why am i barely putting in the effort to practice my art ? I have to force myself. I even bought prompt cards. I keep trying but i just can’t. What is WRONG with me? This just isn’t like me…I love to do art..blah blah… blah…”

After a few hours of this nonsense, i started realizing that, hey- there’s been a whole lot of things i have been TRYING to do lately:

I’ve been TRYING not to eat ice cream or chocolate

I’ve been TRYING to do a little art here and there

I’ve been TRYING to keep up with my bills

I’ve been TRYING to get over a broken heart

I’ve been TRYING to lose some of this belly fat

I have been TRYING to just feel normal.

TRYING, trying, trying….the list is endless.

Now of course i wonder, where is my Yoda? I can never remember that exact quote.

But all of that being said, the bottom line is i am DOING so many other things, that i have to accept facts- i am human. Bummer.

So here is what i have been doing:

I have been actively working on and seeking out help with my nutrition.In spite of losing 6 lbs. I initially in one week when i set my calories to 1500 and cut out breads , pasta, rice and potatoes , the weeks afterwards- i lost nothing. What did happen is that i lost energy and have not been seeing progression in muscle growth. Hence, my daily ‘food activities’ consume a great deal of my time.

I have had an InBody scan and I have set an appointment with a nutrition counselor who is certified in menopausal issues.

I have been getting to the gym 4-5 days per week, one with a coach.This takes at least 1-2 hours per work out.

I have just this week added walking into my schedule. The goal is 4-5 times per week in addition to the weightlifting.

I did just pay off 2 huge credit cards and eliminated a few unnecessary expenses.I still am dealing with medical bills but i have paid a significant amount towards them this past year.

I have gotten my electrical and HVAC work done and paid for- finally- as well as a refrigerator repair. These had been stressing me out for quite a long time.

I have been spending almost all of my free time( after all appointments, gym time, and food activities) rehabbing my shoulder injury while watching enlightening youtube videos . I do this for about 2 hours each night and consider this my “downtime” before work.

I have been spending time in decent meditation ( not simply laying there or falling asleep) 3-4 times a week.

This list is also endless! No wonder i have had “artists block”!!

My point? Life is a series of checks and balances. It is nearly impossible to go 100% at everything all the time. I need to remember this and remind myself more often that everything has a season, and it is ok to re-focus at times. In fact, it is the healthy thing to do. My focus has shifted to physical and financial matters for the past 8-12 months. I have accomplished much and i am grateful.

Oh- here it is…”Do or do not. There is no try.” Thanks Yoda!