“That” Girl

There used to be a TV show by that name. I remember watching it as a child. It was what the media projected as the perfect example of a happy, carefree woman of the world at that time. Today, ideals are a bit different but the ‘theme’ is the same.

We all know the type. We see her in movies, on the street, at work, and in our minds. She is a neighbor, a celebrity, a character in a novel, our colleague. She is everywhere, and we can’t help but notice.

That girl.

She’s the girl we want to be- somewhere deep in our mind. The woman we secretly try to emulate, or at least admire- not that we want anyone to know. And she’s also the one we kind of hate because we feel like we will never measure up to.

For me, it has always been that chick with the perfect pony tail- a water bottle in one hand, a sturdy backpack, and a lean muscular body. She has mastered Yoga, works out faithfully and has superhuman energy 20 hours a day, every day. She is the girl who has the most unique skills imaginable, the most useful yet obscure knowledge and knows how to make money doing exactly what she loves.She travels the world doing cool stuff. She’s gets up everyday, does all the right things and is out the door before the sun rises. She hops into her sporty, yet practical, vehicle wearing the perfect outfit, fully fueled with a nutritious breakfast. She is prepared for anything, and she is successful at all she does. Her time is structured, disciplined and organized. She has solid plans for a future- including retirement. She is beautiful to look at, and awesome to hang out with.

Ugh. Did you get a little nauseaous just reading that? I did.

Never the less-in my head- that’s who i want to be.

Sigh…. i never get up at dawn..i get into bed at 8am. I skip gym days sometimes and eat junk food because i feel overwhelmed. I love trivial pursuit but mostly suck at it.I love my job but it’s not my passion.I am successful at any given thing only about 50% of the time. I have almost zero solid plans for my retirement. Oh, and i really hate trying to get a perfect pony tail- that’s a myth!

Try as we might, we will never be her – she doesn’t exist. Even if she did, our mind would add on ever more ideals for her to live up to.

And yet, to others – you are probably her without even realizing it!

Think about those times when you notice someone suddenly wearing a hairstyle eerily similar to your own. Or those times you notice a friend trying a new hobby closely related to yours. Maybe there’s a neighbor who starts growing a garden that starts suspiciously looking like yours. I have noticed it from time to time in fellow artists who step out of their usual medium and attempt to emulate my own style in one way or another. It used to bother me, but i’ve learned to feel honored. There’s always someone out there who admires or envies YOU.

Remember-all of your heroes have heroes as well. And heroes are a good thing-they inspire us to be better. They push us towards our goals and help us see a better version of ourselves. They force us to look in the mirror and face what we don’t like, and advance towards what we want. So, no worries-You don’t have to give her up

To someone out there, YOU are “that girl”.

Embrace her. But take care to love the one in the mirror even more.


OOF! Shame on Me..

You know when you take a few moments to go back and read stuff you wrote a year ago, 2 years ago, or longer? I have to admit I kind of regretted it…Because sometimes while I am reading them I think “Who the hell is this person?”

Sure, there are a few “what was i thinking?” posts. And, yes, a few all out whine-a thons( like this one). But you know which ones hit me the most? The ones where i wrote something that i SHOULD have remembered.

Tonights little gem was this ( from 2019).

“The reason most people don’t do anything great, is because it doesn’t feel great while you are doing them.”

Talk about a gut punch. Back then i was walking every day( at night really – before work) in 20 degree temps and loving it. I was in a gym abhorrence phase when i just didn’t wanna be around the smells and people. I had quit smoking though, and was at my 30 day mark. Life was good, A bit lonely- yes. But over all –much healthier. Reading all of it, just makes me want to cringe.

I am so not that person right now. I have gained weight again, and have been eating way more carbs( bread, cookies) than i should . I’m not eating ice cream everyday like i was back in January/February but …sigh..i still have it once a week, along with sweets every day in some form. I still smoke cigarettes. I don’t drink and i don’t want to. I started kickboxing lessons but now I’ve slowed my roll on gym days.

Yeah, sometimes it still feels like it sucks.I am no saint. But that short sweet reminder was a good one.

I can do better.

Touche, life…Touche…


Let’s start out with some hard facts:

  1. I was born into poverty, raised in trailer parks divorce and violent home situations(plural)
  2. I made unwise decisions as i grew into adult hood
  3. Those decisions had a domino effect
  4. i had my first child at age 19 while in an abusive marriage
  5. i became pregnant again 6 years later to a less abusive but still toxic partner
  6. during that pregnancy i was put on bedrest and had to file bankruptcy.
  7. Over the next 10 years i struggled to regain financial stability after which-
  8. i started a stable 10 year marriage that lasted from 2001-2011
  9. when i left that marriage, i began drinking heavily for the next 7 years
  10. finally, in 2018, i began my recovery( and it’s been some kind of ride!)

Now that we are all caught up, i wanna talk about “Grind”.

Grind is something that is necessary to overcome just about any obstacle that is presented to you in life- whether by choice or as a consequence of your own actions.The above may look like a pretty straight forward list. But there were many many things that happened before, during, in-between, and after each that changed my life in positive ways. Call them life lessons if you want. Call them experiences, decisions, challenges, epiphanies, luck( good or bad)..or anything you like.

But never, ever call them failures.

It has taken me a very long time to totally absorb the concept that all things happen for our own good. Because going through difficult, or even downright horrible things is , well…horrible. It is sometimes nearly impossible to see the good in undesirable circumstances while we are going through them. The death of a loved one. A terminal illness. A broken marriage. A devastating financial blow. We may feel adrift, angry, unfocused, resentful, deeply sad , depressed, anxious along with many other things during these times. We may feel like things will never change( or never be the same!) and that we will never get past them. It may certainly feel like failure.And that is totally normal.But i assure you this is NOT true.

I am now 55. I have had to GRIND my way through more than i could possibly list.

But i did keep going. I went to work, even when i didn’t feel like it… day in/ day out. I paid my bills. I cried. I drank. I had ups, i had downs. But i also took steps to do better.

I didn’t see the forest or the trees..i had a vision of something way beyond that boundary. And there was a visceral and mental grind that was the only pathway to get there. And it still is.

My Current Life:

I have a consistent income.I am living in the 4th home i have owned.My most recent happiness project is 90% complete- a restful retreat in the woods of my very own.I am now sober, working out regularly, paying attention to my health.Best of all- I have my family – a son, a daughter and 2 wonderful grandsons. And, yes.. I am


I work 50 plus hours a week. I drive an hour each way.I get in the gym at least 4 days a week. I spend many hours each week organizing my house, schedule, and personal life. I dedicate time and energy to my tribe as their Medicine Woman. I see my grandchildren faithfully once a month. I am a conscientious worker who values my role as a nurse. I practice my art diligently and regularly. And i still have many plans( complete with lists, goals, and timeframes) for my home, property, and life in general.

It won’t be perfect. I still have lots of days when “I can’t even!” But i get up, and get after it anyway. I whine inside my head while i trudge along on a treadmill.I loathe everyone and everything as i sit in crazy traffic to get places on time. I look around and see every mess , chore, and responsibility i have to deal with and want to scream. But i know…

I know what it takes, and what is possible.


Are you gonna grind…or or be left behind?