Tag: anxiety

I Got worms

Posted on by Lovie Price

Over the last year i have been so desperate to figure out what has been causing my depression issue that i have looked into a number of unusual suspects. In an effort here to not only inform, but perhaps, entertain or possibly horrify you, i give you the following:

Worms.

That’s right. I knew i had once heard about this in nursing school but could not remember which ones caused depression. In fact worms can cause a whole host of things , depending on the type. Now, i am no expert in the field of wormology (that’s hillbilly for helminthologist), but here is a compiled list of my findings.

  1. C. elegans- this little baby can live in our body and can cause depression due to it’s behavior related to ultraviolet light. Ironically it has also been studied related to nicotine use as it behaves like a mammal when exposed to it. Additionally, it may affect sleep, aging, the development of Altzheimers.. and get this: they survived the space shuttle Columbia disaster of 2003 and its descendants have been launched into space for more research. You can read about it on Wikipedia and a few other online resources.

These are indeed, fascinating little fellows.

2.toxoplasma gondii- this one can pose a suicide risk! if you test positive for this one , you are 7 times more likely to attempt suicide.. imagine that. We mostly hear about this one related to cat litter as it can live in the feces.But it can also be transferred to humans via contaminated food, water or eating undercooked meats.

3. pinworms- “Pinworms lay their eggs in the anal area, causing tickling and itching, which are most bothersome at night. The lack of sleep from this type of infestation can cause crankiness or bad behavior during the day. When asleep, nightmares may be present. This problem is mostly found in very young children preschool to kindergarten because of primitive toileting skills, they tend to put their fingers in their mouths, and they participate in a lot of hands-on activities with other kids and with pets. Roundworms, hookworms, and tapeworms are other examples that can make a child display ADHD like symptoms. Worms cause hyperactive behavior, learning problems, depression, or attention deficits by making children miserable on the inside…” random online article..apologies- i forgot to save the source.

4. lamblia, hookworms, tapeworms, trichinella, and dientamoeba fragilis are other common parasites. You can read about the symptoms here or look up each one individually . They are a hypochondriac’s wet dream.

https://righthomeremedies.com/intestinal-worms-in-humans/

5. Just knowing or believing that ones body is infested with a parasite is probably enough to cause anxiety and depression. The resulting symptoms certainly contribute to that. In effect, at least i have learned a great deal about these worms in the process and find them fascinating. But i won’t be inviting them to live with me any time soon.

Earthworms are looking a lot cuter these days..

P.s. i decided not to include pictures. You’re welcome.

Namaste!

Dead Man Walking

Posted on by Lovie Price

Ahh the ups & downs.

Today went to a follow up appointment /check up with my PCP. Initially, when it was scheduled i had intended to discuss some smaller issues – a mild rash that comes & goes , maybe talk about some ever present reflux issues. But after the hospital stay of course, talk about my heart was the priority.

I had hoped i would feel better afterwards. I had been discharged Thursday and i have to tell you, it’s been days of PTSD for me ever since -wondering about so many things and on pins and needles for the chance to get some answers.

Why did my potassium level( and other electrolytes) just dip suddenly? Was that the cause or the result of 5 hours of extreme, erratic arrhythmias? Will this happen again? What about this new medication? Was this a severs adverse effect from the Covid vaccine? What precautions should i be taking? Can this be fixed?Or will i have to live with this new “condition” forever?

I asked these today and many other questions. Truly, even though i was able to obtain all of my hospital records ( i was in such a fog i barely remembered much except in spurts afterwards)- i was pretty much told once again that it’s unknown as to why this happened. Since i was not dieting, taking laxatives , drinking energy drinks or excessive amounts of water ( strangely- i was asked this multiple times) there is no explanation- although stress being a possibility.. I asked about the alcoholism thing and was told that it would have only happened for that reason if i had binge drank in the 24-48 hours prior- which i definitely had not. Not for almost a month in fact. Not from smoking unless i was a very heavy smoker ( pack a day plus) which i am not. But worse than that, i was told i may not go to the gym, lift more than 20 lbs , or push /pull anymore than 50 lbs. for the unforeseeable future. My doctor insinuated that i should not even go back to work until i’ve had my follow up with the cardio specialist. In his words “If they weren’t able to find cause after 3 days and all the testing that was done, this may happen again at any time. Sustained V-tach is life threatening. You may have to be admitted again, or it could be worse the next time.”

So, basically i am a Dead Man Walking.

I begged to be able to return to work and for him to lighten restrictions . No way would my agency allow me to return if i can only lift 20 lbs. And having missed 6 days of work in February due to vaccine side effects, Covid testing , and bad weather, i simply cannot afford to be off for another 10-12 days. After a few minutes he relented, but added that i must go in to have more bloodwork taken in this morning to check my levels and that he would be adding “as per allowed by cardiologist recommendations at follow up” to my clearance form.

We talked about the new med which will hopefully keep me in sinus rhythm . We talked about other possibilities such as ablation and a defibrillator.We talked about this being a possible adverse effect of the Covid vaccine. Of course he agrees that not enough data has been collected but would not commit to a yes or no answer. Just said to discuss it with the cardiologist.

So here i am. I am not trying to be dramatic, but i don’t know how to explain it other than feeling like less of a person somehow. There is no one to talk to, except my poor roommate, who gets the brunt of my emotions. And there is this blog- which often makes me feel in hindsight like a completely unstable human lately. Now more than ever, i understand why the phrase/insinuation “just get over it” is so upsetting to those who are struggling with anxiety and/or depression. How could i not feel traumatized?This came out of nowhere. How could i not feel stressed out? Just get over it indeed.

On a positive note, i am doing ok on the nicotine patch and today, i did not drink.

Namaste.

Day 28

Posted on by Lovie Price

Even though Friday was rough, i made it through and by Saturday afternoon the mental fog had cleared. My BF and i had the most wonderful evening together (without alcohol and no awkwardness.) I do not think in all of our 8 months together i ever felt so calm and comfortable with him , or as close. Phew!yay for sobriety!

What can i say about day 28? I can say it’s much much better than day 1-27…but getting even this far hasn’t been without struggles. There were days i thought i wouldn’t make it through- once again questioning how i would be able to deal with so many things without my weekly fix to look forward to or the easy way around dealing with anxiety. In fact, thats what i want to post about tonight. Anxiety.

I don’t know about the rest of ya’ll but this month for me has been THE worst of all the months of the pandemic. I was sick and had to go through the ordeal of Covid testing in addition to having both doses of the vaccine. I just restarted my recovery after having to admit to relapse. I am also starting the process of quitting smoking again. In addition, my ( peri)menopausal symptoms have been making a screaming come back– rolling hot flashes being the least of it. Not to mention the constant issues with winter weather and loss of income.The result of all this has been extreme anxiety- more frequent and on a scale i have never had before. Days have gone by when i literally feared i was losing my grip on reality, such was the constant fear. But i believe i am finally coming out of the fog ( fingers crossed-hard!)

In that regard, i decided that i needed to push as hard as i could to fight back. Every little measure i can think of- yoga, meditation, lots of water, and a renewed spiritual connection . I even went so far as to scrape all of the black paint off of my bedroom windows and remove all of the room darkening paraphernalia that comes with a decades-long night shift schedule. The only component i kept was the black out curtains which i can draw back as often as possible to let some light into my bedroom when i am not sleeping. My intentions are to bring some low maintenance plants into the room as well to actually have some “life” in my sleeping quarters for the first time in years. I recently bought a large water fountain for my entry way and intend to get a smaller version for my room as well. I did a lot of organizing and purging and even replaced all of my smoke detector batteries..So i feel a (small) sense of accomplishment.

I am determined to win this war against this recently-surfaced demon, and all of his friends.We will ‘come to terms’ and live in peace. I have my battle plan, i have my inner strength, and i have my support system.

A recent acrylic piece- needs a little clean up, but 95% done

Namaste!

Today’s “I got this” Moment..

Posted on by Lovie Price

Right..so, another Dear Diary post…

After this weekends debacle and feeling way stressed and overwhelmed yesterday, i woke up with severe anxiety today. I mainly thought i would accomplish nothing other than pacing around doing everything i could to get it under control. I did my usual- took an Ativan, ate something, switched from coffee to water after 2 cups, took a long hot bath, read a few blogs and then waited patiently to go to my chiropractor appointment. I figured that would help somewhat.

While i was pacing around my mind was in a state of mulling over how in the world i was going to find a therapist.After all, i didn’t feel comfortable asking on facebook, nor did i feel good about asking any of the multiple people i know who regularly post about their therapy. After all, some have been going for years and are still a hot mess so i have very little confidence in any references they could give me. So, naturally i looked online.

I soon realized that before i could do anything i also had to call my benefits department to see what was covered, and if i needed a referral from my doctor. Oy! I loathe making phone calls more than any other task in the world including scrubbing the toilet.It’s always a matter of 1. getting up early enough to reach someone before the office closes…2. getting through a long menu tree, being transferred a dozen times, and several disconnects requiring me to start all over and 3. the process usually entails about 2 hours and because i don’t have a bluetooth i am tethered to my phone the whole time. More anxiety.

I started trying to think of any and all other ways to get a word of mouth referral and decided to ask my chiropractor. She is wonderful about that stuff and always knows someone who does just about anything. She gave me the name of someone i did vaguely know in the community and i sent her a message online. I believe she is mainly a life coach /natural healer type though so not sure if she takes insurance. But the description i got of her work sounds promising.Hopefully she responds .

So, I DID actually do something.

Once that was done i felt much better. In fact, by the time my BF was on his break ( we chat for a few minutes at that time) i was in a pretty great mood. It’s been many years since i’ve even considered – really considered- going to a therapist. I’ve only ever come close one other time, except for when it was mandatory ( child custody stuff) and as a teen ( also child custody stuff) and i backed out due to having no insurance coverage and a limited income. So i am quite pleased i have followed through this time- at least taken that first step.

I am not really sure exactly what a :life coach: will have to offer , but i am willing to check it out. If that fails i will have to go through the other steps of locating one who takes insurance and who knows? a more structured course of treatment may be what i need. But we shall see.

Namaste.

The Practical Stuff

Posted on by Lovie Price

Now that i’ve done quite a bit of research and shared a small amount of my findings here, i want to get started on the practical stuff. By this, i mean the things i am doing daily to restructure my life, rewire my brain, and move towards living my best life.

As i go along in this project, i anticipate things will evolve and change according to the results and how i feel. I will also spend sometime each week assessing just how it is that i feel, in regards to the changes i am making.

It’s been a mere 4 days since my Facebook account was completely deactivated. I have not ‘slipped’ and checked in. I have, however discovered that there is a desktop version of messenger to use which has been a lifesaver. I am horrible with typing on a tiny digital keypad. So that’s been one change for the better.

During these 4 days i have gotten to the gym twice and taken 2 walks in a local park( with my roommate). I have had my son over for dinner- which happens about once a year usually. I feel compelled to explain here that, although my son & i are close, my daughter and i are closer and she has kids- so i do see and communicate with her more. Also , in the past year, i made the decision not to participate in commercial Holidays, hence, i see my family somewhat less ( but the absence of the holiday tension and drama have been worth it).

I have also switched back to decaf coffee only which has greatly improved my anxiety/depression . The downside is, during this withdrawal period, my body is way more sluggish each day.

Today, i decided instead of starting my day with checking my email, messenger and bank account, i would start restructuring my wake up routine. I first went to get a coffee and spent a few minutes at my downstairs table just sipping leisurely. I had a cigarette as well then went directly upstairs to take my bath. I didn’t even answer any messages( even though i did note i had a few). Afterwards, i did dishes and THEN went up to check things online. I have to leave shortly for a hair appointment.

Rather than take my laptop along as i usually have for over a decade( to scroll while i wait for my color to process) i got out my reading glasses, cleaned them thoroughly and chose a book i have been meaning to read. So, i will be reading an actual book while i wait today instead of reading posts, advertisements and unverified news articles. I believe this is step in the right direction.

My mood has been slightly improved these past few days. The loneliness and feeling of being disconnected is bothersome, but not terrible. I think the worst part is knowing that only my roommate is truly seeing my daily blog posts. I still kind of feel like no one cares at times BUT, as i stated…For me, it’s no longer a popularity contest.It’s not about being noticed or getting attention.It’s been a HUGE relief to know that no one can judge me daily based on my comments or posts, and i no longer am compelled to check my “status” according to the # of likes received , commentary , or whether or not i have increased or decreased the # of online “friends” that i have.

I’m happy with it all so far!Namaste!