Every time i start thinking i want to get on here and write, my mind begins to cycle. How does anyone, at such a time as this, make any statements about it all?About the situation, our feelings, or what we think the endgame is? It feels like one big mind circus…in which we are all being led by the nose..unable to trust anyone, helpless, and overwhelmed. A portion of my followers on here are in recovery ( mostly from alcohol) so perhaps i should lead off on that note.
If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know that my one year of sobriety occurred on January 19th of this year. Like most of us, that milestone did not go uncelebrated for me. I posted my thoughts on that date- the good things along the way, the struggles, and how i felt about it. It was an awesome feeling- to do something i never thought i would be able to. Within a month of that however, i admittedly had a night after a particularly stressful event, when i drank a few glasses of wine and went “off the rails”.Since then, i have been questioning my true relationship with alcohol in the sense of how it came to be, what pushed it forward , and how i could reconcile myself with all of that. To put it in layman terms “What if i never really was an alcoholic but rather had just begun to respond to the triggers that had been suppressed for such a long time? And what if, finally figuring them out, i could re evaluate my relationship with alcohol in the present?”
So, in the time since then, i have to admit, i had two nights when i had a few beers ( nothing major- 3 one time, and 2 another night). I didn’t make a big deal out of it and honestly, the night when i had 2 was really nice. I felt relaxed , peaceful , had zero after effects and no regrets.So, of course , over the following few weeks this led me to question my ability to drink again. Last friday night, when i finally had time to go shopping i picked up two 6 packs of beer. There was a rationale to it- one was a regular beer and my roommates usual choice, and the other was my usual “light” beer. The store did not sell 3 packs( like the distributor) so, i didn’t have that option as was my intention.
Before i go on, as we all know , this past month has been just one endless cycle of uncertainty. Even as a registered nurse, i have no clue whats really going on. My stress levels have been at their highest peak since , well…since ever. I have been working lots of OT, trying to navigate this virus insanity and on top of it finding out about my brother. I could probably write an epic novel about the hundreds of other contributing factors but that wouldn’t matter. Bottom line was-I honestly thought that having a few beers would help after weeks of just going through the motions like a hamster on crack trying to stay one step ahead of ongoing hellfire.
Instead of the 2 or 3 i intended , i wound up drinking 6 beers that night. Once again, proving that if it’s there, i will drink it..and that i have no control once i am in the throes of it. (I have to insert here that we have had a good bit of wine in the house as well as liquor for months, but none of that tempted me in any way. In fact, i gave 2 boxes to my daughter last week, and the rest of the rum to my son for helping with my laptop friday.) But—
Beer. It’s my weakness. And here is how THAT played out.
It did NOT alleviate any of my anxiety. In fact, it made it way worse. I was up and still wired until 6am. I couldn’t fall asleep. I was supposed to have my grandson at 5pm that day for the last time before their family goes on complete isolation (for at least 2 weeks but likely a month) in preparation for my son in laws upcoming heart surgery. I finally fell into a fitful sleep but it only lasted for 3 hours. I woke at 1030 am and all the way until 130 pm i could not sleep. My anxiety and dread was through the roof. I had to message my daughter to cancel. I felt like the worlds most horrible person.I spent most of the rest of my night off in bed , feeling awful.
So, what have i learned? Obviously i no longer have that option available to me for any relief. Drinking will not numb me out, relax me, or help in any way- at least not in the way it seemed to previously . The effects were immediate and NOT in any way, acceptable.
All in all, after seriously doubting things for the past few months, i guess this was a good thing. Sometimes, we need a brick to fall on our heads. And when i read posts about how grateful most of us are that we have quit drinking and are no longer beholden to the bottle ( or can!) during this time especially, i have to say emphatically – YES. I am sincerely grateful. And while my little “excursion” cost me a few hours with my grandson that day, as well as a wasted day recovering, i learned that, without a doubt, i am not able to just say no if i know there is more. UGH. As they say, recovery is not a straight line. I am still proud of myself.I didn’t spend a week in misery and regret. In 18 months i have only been “drunk” one single time. I will not berate myself , just as i wouldn’t if it were anyone else.It also made me think even more about how horrible this must be for those who NEED a meeting regularly to stay sober and have very little recourse right now. I cannot imagine.
Fortunately, i was able to see my grandson the next day. And i had the 2 days to waste in a sense that- well hell- who has ANYTHING planned right now as far as appointments and such? Pure luck, really.
So, this is my recovery post in the time of Corona. I continue analyzing the data, discovering/rediscovering things about myself and making changes accordingly. My next challenge is figuring out what the hell i am gonna do for relief now since i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the answer isn’t drinking.
Ps. at the moment- nothing else has been working either- not art, not writing, not exercise…no projects, binge watching or meditating. I am lost, floundering a bit, but managing to survive day by day. Prayers, hugs, blessings , love and light to all of you.