Whenever I feel the heavy cloud of isolation settling around me, I refer to it to consider what I have or have not been doing that has contributed to my feelings.
I could not have given any one out there better advice than what I have found in the above article, and it focuses on loneliness as a whole. Other than a brief mention of a “rocky event”, however, it doesn’t really address the basic reasons we feel the loneliness in the first place. Before we can seriously use any of this great advice, it’s a necessary step- understanding the “why” of it all.
First, there is the argument that, generally , humans are social creatures form the onset. While this is true, it doesn’t mean we don’t also need time alone. Second ,there is environment- For most of our lives we are socialized – by our parents and family, then by our educational system, then finally by our work life. And, for sure- we absolutely need to connect with other humans, lest we become too isolated and under socialized. But while each individual has a unique experience, most of it just entails variables of the aforementioned pattern. Thinking back as far as you can remember, ask yourself a few things:
- As a child, or teen- did my parents encourage me to spend time completely alone?
- When I was attending school, was alone time encouraged?
- Does my workplace encourage it?
Most of the time the honest answer is “no” or “not really”. Sure, there are parents who work so much they just aren’t around. These children are forced to find their own alternatives and they aren’t usually very good ones. And there are some frustrated parents will say “just go outside and play” but not usually because they want a healthy experience for YOU-lol.. But there is a rare parent indeed who insists their child “learn how to be bored” for the purposes of healthy mental /emotional growth. There should be more of them. As a parent and grandparent , as well as a pediatric nurse, I can always tell the child who has been indulged with socialization most of their lives. They are easily bored ,agitated, hyper, and prone to temper tantrums. They use any behavior they can to get noticed and can strain the nerves of even the most patient caregiver- not to mention others in public. They have been over indulged and expect constant entertainment and attention.
On the other hand, the children who have been encouraged to manage alone time and contend with boredom are polite and appreciative of other people’s time . They do not constantly interrupt adult conversations or bounce around pulling at pant legs, or getting into things they know they shouldn’t. Many will happily look at or read a book, do puzzles or find something interesting in whatever environment they are in to entertain themselves until appropriate moments or real emergencies.
When in school, other than nap time in kindergarten, almost everything is geared towards group think and group participation . The child or teen who has a tendency to be a loner is often ridiculed or singled out for negative attention. It’s easy to see why, by the time middle school starts, fitting in and peer pressure become so intense. Many turn to negative forms of self-indulgence( computers, TV, drugs, alcohol, etc.) if they were not taught how to manage on their own. Promiscuous behavior as well as cutting is more prevalent in females. Aggressiveness, criminal activity, wreckless driving, and excess partying is more prevalent in males. The only real solution to this is private or home schooling, and if that isn’t an option, quality parenting that includes teaching tools to gain knowledge about ones inner self. Some of these can include meditation, yoga, walks in nature, and reading time- alone. P.s.- homework and study time do NOT count and sports, while they have merit, does not address individual internal needs.
As we get into our careers or work life, most of us ( though not all) will be forced into environments where there are many people around us all the time. Much of the stress we hear about is a direct result of having to deal with “other people”, and very little stress about the actual job itself. This is not to say ( as with my own situation) there isn’t an opposite extreme where some jobs are very isolating. The real problem is a matter of balance.
All of the above contributes to the “why” , in this day and age, we have become so accustomed to NOT being alone, that when faced with it we turn to social media, gaming , and poor lifestyle choices, even as adults.. And “why” when we abstain by choice (like I have) or are forced to, we have great difficulty in processing how to deal with it. But as adults, we still have many of the same options if we put forth an effort -without needing or seeking out constant companionship, or turning to a quick fix or convenient, but purposeless or destructive activity. We have a choice. We can undo old habits and the conformity of our lives. I have made progress. But only after assessing and understanding the reasons was I able to seek positive solutions. I have come up with a few and expect to find more as I go.
There is a difference between loneliness and being alone, as they say, and the balance is out there if you commit to finding it…
Namaste!
Wake up! 
One thought on “Loneliness Has a Lesson”