Love and Vacation

Once again, i must apologize for not being more present on here.I have been spending much time with the new love interest (who continues to be more awesome every day) and just returned from vacation near Bushkill Falls , Pa. I’m gonna drop a few pics here because the place we stayed( second year now) is so amazing I call it a private Garden of the Gods. It is set on 32 acres of wilderness at the top of a mountain and the waterfalls are never ending- we tried to follow the stream as far as we could but eventually had to turn around! There were just so many! In the first photo you can see the cabin we stayed in and how close it is to 5 separate waterfalls right outside our door. But trust me when say there were more than we could count.

I , of course, brought huge suitcase full of art supplies as there is no way i would miss a Plein Air painting opportunity like this. The first day the water was running low so i was able to stand directly on the rock over one fall , and paint the one beside it..

Over night it rained and covered the rocks once again so i was glad i took the opportunity.

Anyway, here are few more pics of nature’s beauty from the site. Enjoy and namaste!


Off the Menu

So, guess what? I met someone.

After staying single for over a year and making sure not to fall for any men who do not have my best interests in mind- something i have done in the past because i was pretty vulnerable and tended to over look obvious red flags- i am hopeful , and a little giddy- but still staying alert. Love during recovery is a tricky thing.

Once i decided to become sober , i watched all the classic movies about sobriety, read all the literature and committed to taking on year minimum to find my self without all of the booze clouding my judgement or using it to cover my own issues( or theirs). It was a wise decision.I got my financial ducks n a row, bought a house of my own, and feel a renewed sense of value and self esteem. It didn’t happen over night.

During that year, many men vied for my attention , mostly online. I almost fell back into an old pattern . I was not used to being alone and i was going through some pretty serious esteem issues. But, one by one i was able to avoid bad decisions. Sure, i was lonely, and at times almost talked myself into things, but i am so glad i waited and prayed – ALOT.

I know not everyone reading here is religious.And i realize that it won’t resonate with everyone. But my daily prayer was just this “God, please send me the right person when you feel the time is right. I will wait. Please give me a sign so that i know because i want your will and not my own. I will not push, and i will not accept less. I will wait -for you and your will for me”.

And i believe ( hope) he has answered.

The most amazing and unique person showed up out of the blue. Someone i would never have otherwise noticed or believed i would be with. An odd ball , like me…Being a skeptic, i let him in , willing to be friends first and see how it went getting to know him through long walks, etc.Eventually he came over to spend the evening painting with me and there was definite chemistry. Something i haven’t felt in years. Everything went perfectly. He passed every test.

While it’s too soon to be sure, i am just very excited. I finally feel that my head is clear enough and that i am in the right space to make better decisions. None of that would have happened if i hadnt given up my weekly binges, and gotten my life straightened out.

So , for anyone out there who feels alone( for any reason), who is struggling with alcohol or any addiction, and/or wondering if you will ever find love again- be patient. Try to be vigilant not only with your mindset but your choices. Watch for and do not ignore red flags. And be upfront about what you do and don’t want from the onset.

I believe there is someone for everyone. My fingers are crossed,and i still feel a bit hesitant , but my spirit is finally lifting a little..


Sober Psychology

I haven’t talked much about my sobriety in awhile and while waiting for a business call this morning i started thinking about what the differences are between being sober and being in recovery.

An online article from Psychology Todays states:

“When an alcoholic is “sober” from alcohol without attending a mutual-help program, therapymedication management and/or treatment then they are in a sense “white-knuckling” their sobriety (also referred to as being a “dry drunk”).”

“An alcoholic who is in “recovery” is essentially in remission from alcoholism. Their alcoholism is not cured but is at bay in a way that allows them to be free of the cravings and mental obsession.”

I’ve never really thought much lately about where i am in my journey, but happy to say, according to the above, i am definitely in “recovery”— Mainly because of the last 7 words there “free of the cravings and mental obsession”. It’s odd to me now, letting that sink in. FREE.

For the first 30 days, i couldn’t even comprehend that feeling. Every week i would dread my usual drinking night What would i do? How would i get through it? Then 3 months i started feeling a bit more confident, by 6 months i was really on a roll and finally hit that one year milestone. I almost felt “cured”. I was elated and so proud of myself! Now, at 17 months , i have to say that once again the psychology has changed.

With full transparency here i will admit that during this pandemic i have had a few drinks .One 3 occasions i had 2 -3 beers and those were actually nice peaceful relaxing evenings. Do not regret them one bit. But i also had my first major slip – after a particularly horrendous and stressful few weeks , i drank an entire 6 pack one night and paid for it the next day. Certainly reminded me that , yes, indeed, i am still an alcoholic. Although i do not crave it, and it is certainly no longer an obsession, if it’s there i will drink it until it’s gone or i get sick/pass out. I have no control when there is more around.

What does this mean for me at this point? Well, i can say , still that i rarely ever even think about it. I can say with absolute clarity that it’s not a factor in my life anymore. But the best way to put it is that i have completely lost that desire to do it to get drunk or numb things out. If this makes sense, i do believe having a beer or two with a friend i trust every now & again is not ‘terrible’…as long as everything else( above) is still in place.

I see people talk about moderation a lot, and i always say- thats a really slippery slope.Not many can maintain that for long. That certainly isn’t what i’m talking about here. I know i could never “control” myself that way. I’ve had much time ( years) to prove that . But i do believe in relaxing a bit when the occasion calls for it.

It’s a tough little place to be in the grand scheme of things but we all must walk our own walks. I’ve known some that stayed sober for 10 years or more, then relapse. I also know those who go “dry” for a few months, then drink again, then stop again ( on & on for years).I know those who stop and never have a sip ever again. And many of us know those who have no real intentions to quit, except for a week after a horrible hangover. We are all different.

I wish i was, however, one of those who could drink “normally”.I cannot. I wish i could chose “moderation” on the regular.I cannot. These dreams are usually the Holy Grail of all alcoholics. The brass ring, the dragon we chase, etc. And it’s almost never an option for us in the long run.

While we continue on our journey, we have to re assess regularly to see where we stand in our own lives. We have to be brutally honest with ourselves. And constantly stay vigilant. Our relationships ( of all types) will change and grow as, we , ourselves do. In times of stress, crisis, depression, tragedy, circumstance – we will tests ourselves and sometimes come out wanting. But my hope is, that in the end to REMAIN vigilant.


And So It Goes….

This is a video of last night in my city. the one i just moved 2.3 miles away from. It happened only 7 blocks from our old place.

Not sure how many of you out there can access it as it was filmed and posted originally on Facebook and then reported as a link in local tv stations website.if you can view it, check out the comments off to the side and if you can, it will give you a clue of what even the smaller cities, like mine, are dealing with. This was the first organized protest, and there are others planned.Thankfully , this one, aside from the spurt of violence at about 4 minutes in, remained mostly peaceful. In addition , there is much being posted about possible KKK marches very close by. This is our daily life right now. I know many of those in the video personally.

I hope wherever you are right now, you remain safe and healthy. We are all praying for this to come to a peaceful end.