Coffee, Contemplation, and Coping

It’s noon and i am still sitting in my robe drinking my coffee and scrolling through FB. This has been a tough week.

But today, like the other days, i will keep going. I will work on myself, my art, and my heart. Healing is a process, and a difficult one. There are moments when i question what i did wrong, and “what is wrong with me?”. There are moments when i wonder if i was too ugly, old, or boring. There are moments when i can barely drag myself to the bathtub and get myself in gear for the day. But, too- there are moments of self awareness and gratitude for this pain.

I am grateful for knowing that i can still feel these feelings. I am grateful for the opportunity i got to not go through a pandemic alone. I am grateful for learning more about my own intentions and needs. I am grateful for God’s intervention and guidance.I am grateful for the universes’ wisdom.

As i struggle to regain my balance and self worth, i am reminded of past lessons and the clarity they brought me. I am reminded of all that i accomplished because of them. And i look forward to the things i will accomplish going forward.

For anyone today who is going through heartache and pain, hurt, depression, anger or fear…know this. You will rise, you will be better, you will survive.

And you will look back and see that your prayers have been answered, even if not in the way you expected or wanted at the time.

Peace and Namaste.


A Little Something My Mom Shared With Me...

It is time to write and write and write again. Maybe not here, but in my private journal blog.I write when i am sad, angry, and processing. I write when i am struggling, analyzing, and when i recover from the pain.

Lat night, after a week of being crushed and confused, he finally came over to talk. I was caught off guard. First, i didn’t know he was coming. Second, when we last chatted it sounded like he was sorry, wanted to move forward , and work on the issues. I was hopeful.

He arrived looking disheveled, as if he hadn’t showered in days. He stumbled with his words, sniffling, and unfocused. When i asked how he was , he said “lost and confused” . In hindsight, truer words were never spoken.

He has decided to go back to a lifestyle of partying, drinking, festivals and , in my opinion, just being reckless. He seems to mourn being out with friends and doing all of the shenanigans that he used to. And , without actually saying the words-he didnt want me “in the way”.

In my heart i know he is making a huge mistake. I know that in a few months, a year, maybe less, maybe more…he will regret this choice. He will learn, the same way i did that this can only lead to a life of hell and bad choices. He will regret giving up what he has given up, and will be sitting someday, somewhere and realizing what he lost.And how confused he really was.

I did. I have been through that hell and will never go back. I lost more than i can begin to explain. From money, to my dignity, to all of the opportunities i had to truly be happy. In the end, all of those friends were really only “drinking buddies” and once i got sober ( the short relapse not withstanding) i found myself alone, and having to face the fact that what i thought made me happy was just me telling myself lies. It was just me, trying to recover my youth, cover up my real issues, and be something that i was not. I was trying to run from responsibility, from facing myself, and from the truth. I just wanted to have “fun” and be popular and have lots of friends, etc. because i thought that life was meant to be that.I had missed out on this when i was young so i thought i was due. I chased it and thought i had it down, but i was fooling myself. In the end, i was sitting there alone, regretting all the lost time, regretting the people i had hurt, regretting the choices i had stupidly made.

The memories i thought i was making at the time, i really didn’t remember because i was too drunk. I knew they happened, but i wasn’t fully present .The times i drank alone and thought i was being a fun loving bohemian artist were actually just me trashing 3-4 canvasses a week, making nothing good, waking up trying hard to remember what i did and why everything around me looked like Motley Crue had spent the night. I spent my nights off drunk, my days off hungover, and my weeks looking forward to doing it all over again. For years.

And even as i tried many times to explain all of this to him, i knew it was falling on deaf ears. You cannot make someone understand that through words. They must learn it on their own. Alcohol is a trickster and a thief. It tricks you into believing life is fun, but in reality it steals everything from you. It’s like a roommate that will listen to your every woe ,holds you while you cry, laughs and parties with you, all the while slowly stealing all of your possessions and selling them behind your back until one day you realize you have nothing but an empty room, with empty bottles and not enough time to start over. Sure, you CAN start over, but the journey will be so difficult, the chances of making it will be slim. It will be painful beyond belief.

I am happy with the person i am today. I am not perfect. My life isnt something of dreams and fantasies. But it is stable, content, humble even. I have my own home, a good job, my kids and family are healthy. I make my art as i please, and sculpt my body and future with tenacity and vision. And i don’t need alcohol for any of it. i am enough. While they are nice to have –I don’t need a partner, i don’t need a bunch of friends, and i don’t need anyone to validate me.

Me. By myself. I am enough. I am enough.

I know a lot of us on here have struggled with sobriety, with recovery, with slips and relapses. I love you all and am ever grateful for your support and everything you have shared. You have taught me how to survive. You have shown me your successes and failures and born your soul at times. If it weren’t for you all, i would have never made it this far. And i say that with all sincerity. So thank you.

Thank you , thank you, thank you!

From the bottom of my heart……namaste

Eyes Wide Shut( not the movie)

After last weeks post, i continued to try to make things work. We sat down this past Monday night and had a heart to heart. I thought things were worked out and we agreed to compromise.I forgave and wanted so much to move forward.He agreed he should have told me. I asked to not be left hanging again, not knowing where he was or what was going on, to have some kind of communication if plans changed.He agreed to that as well. But exactly one week later, he did it again.

To be clear about all of this – without any warning- he suddenly started going out and /or staying out all night with friends without telling me ahead of time( found out the next day after the fact), without answering my texts, and worst of all- acting like nothing happened, he did nothing wrong and telling me i had no reason to worry or be upset. His first excuse was that his phone was acting up. This time he said he fell asleep and overslept —( for 10 hours?)

This second time i confronted him more assertively . But there was no remorse, and no compromise to behave differently in the future. After an hour an a half, he left for work and 40 minutes later said he would come get his stuff later tonight after work. Forty minutes. Thats how much time he gave to consider his choices. Thats how much i was worth. Most people have pets who get more consideration than that.

And to top it off he claims he is ‘speechless’ that i no longer trust him. No, sir- i am the one who is speechless on that score.My trust was broken when you decided multiple times not to take 5 seconds to text and let me know what was going on.It was broken the 4 times you were drunk, got nasty and broke up with me. My trust was broken when you decided it was ok to do whatever you wanted , even if it hurt someone who loved you.

In the past, i have never aired my dirty laundry about break ups because i always saw my half of the blame and was willing to concede to that much. I admitted my flaws and humbled myself, always trying to improve.In past relationships i may have mentioned some things in a general , over all sort of way , after much time had passed- but i take no blame for this, aside from not seeing it coming. This time, i was so deeply hurt and shocked i couldnt hold it in. I mean, it came out of no where. We weren’t arguing, there were no issues ( that i am aware of), nothing at all had happened and we seemed to be doing fine. I had even taken next week off for my birthday and valentines and secretly reserved a special 2 day vacation in the Poconos for us( not that i can even afford it- but I was happy and excited and I wanted to surprise him. )What prompted him to suddenly start behaving this way, i will probably never know.

Thank goodness, ( and totally unexpectedly) i have had a good number of people reaching out .I really truly needed that. After several years of isolating and keeping to myself ( a low profile) , i have wound up with only my roommate for consolation. She and i share our woes privately everyday. But this time it wasn’t enough. I am thoroughly devastated.

I did everything i know to be the best partner i could be. From changing my work schedule, to allowing him as much space, freedom and forgiveness i could manage-to accommodating and compromising in every way possible when there was a problem. I thought we were past the worst of it.

I will say this– in comparison to my exes, he has never been abusive. He has always been affectionate and ( until recently) prompt and mostly courteous. He was patient and kind and seemed to listen when i talked. i guess i just didnt realize he was simply tuning most of it out. We only ever had issues when we were both drinking and that was a total of 4 times. Since you cant force someone else i had made the decision to quit so that i wouldnt be part of the problem in that way.I guess another realization is that if someone wants alcohol/ partying to be their priority, you cant force, coerce or beg them to change. They have to want it for themselves, and those they love.And they have to want to put in some effort to make things work.

I apologize for the sob story/dirty laundry/ TMI. But i am done now.

Thanks for reading and …


A Thing Called Love

Love can be like a wild tumble down a mountain. It may start out laughing and happy, giddy with excitement and anticipation- but soon you may run into briars, stones and other rough patches. At times you will hold onto each other for safety, and at others you will have to let go and go it alone. And by the time you get to the bottom you can either be bruise and damaged, sitting together in stunned silence -bewildered, or looking at each other-pleasantly giggling and exhausted. I usually wind up in the bruised and damaged group it seems and yet i have climbed that mountain again and again- filled with hope for a different result.

We, as humans, crave the love and companionship of another almost as much as we need food, water and shelter, all of which can sustain us, make us feel safe, and let us know we are alive.

Yet, in the pursuit of this curious monster, we are sometimes blinded by the adventure. We miss danger signs, and ignore warnings our brain is shouting at us. All we( want to) see is how much fun we are having , feeling the adrenaline pulsing through our bodies, as our minds and hearts soar with dreams of the future. The other person is everything. We forget about ourselves. It is no wonder we can arrive at it’s end with a thud- dizzy-and wondering what the hell just happened.

My most recent love affair is floundering and i am currently spinning. I had such wonderful plans and once again let myself believe it would all work out beautifully. I looked at him with so much awe and admiration that i let it outshine my own boundaries and needs. But my trust was broken and, as the dust settles, i realize that I had taken a chance and when we take chances , there are always risks.

Sometimes you don’t even notice the scrapes and brush burns and bruises you accumulate along the way. They become scabs, then scars and over time they are forgotten about. But when the old wounds are ripped open, they can lead to deeper injury or worse, an infection.

So, it is time to wipe the sleepy dirt from my eyes and take a long , hard look at what got me here in the first place- a lack of vigilance, forgetting my own dreams, and not honoring boundaries i had set. I need to tend to my wounds. We all have to care for ourselves even as we care for others. It is easy to forget this most basic need. We must put a heavy weight on that which is crucial to our own survival, or we will pay a heavy price. This too requires risk.

You may have to ask for what you need. Or allow for time to re examine what is important . You may have to risk speaking your truth. And you will risk rejection. But it’s ok to take risks. Some risks are necessary and a part of life. And perhaps the most important risk of all…. is a little thing called love.