“Weighing” the Options

This has been my week so far:

Belly Project : week 1

Starting weight 134lbs.

Waist: 32”

Hips : 37”

Monday– went to chiropractor and  library .Ate cheese burger with roll, poor sleep, no exercise. Did online research: Mediterranean diet( cons: need to keep lots of fresh food around which can be expensive/inconvenient) Dash( 1600 calorie version allows zero sweets and only 2 servings of fats per day like 1 tsp margarine or oil, 2 tbsp salad dressing)Nutrisystem- seems expensive for the amount of food but may try one month if no results on own( $276 special sale) healthy vegan snacks- way too expensive – example beet chips or carrot sticks average price $14 for 4 snack bags. Have tried making my own and never succeeded.

Tuesday -doctor appointment: Was prescribed Premarin ( HRT) and weighed in at a whopping 134lbs. Thanks to eating the cheeseburger and 2 pasta meals and having no time for exercise x 4 nights in a row.. Went grocery shopping, bought all healthy foods( produce, salmon, one package low carb wraps for the bread cravings, eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese, beet juice, carrot juice). Decided I need to either start a food journal or get an app on my phone.15 minutes at 4.0 on treadmill right before work( trying to fit SOMETHING in) was told I need to stop the nicotine gum with the estrogen so got several other types of gum.

Wednesday– listed known obstacles( stress #1, depression, female , age 53, perimenopause , sedentary job, financial/debt) Listen to weight loss meditations as I fall asleep… Wake up and call about prescriptions…just the hormones cost $226( without insurance)- no can do.. Call doctor and asked for something more reasonable until I have insurance ( 90 days).walked outdoors 2.09 miles ( very cold and I am pissed about the meds) Came home and napped until time for work.. now have 3 calorie apps on my phone

Thursday– -Find out Dr. prescribed patches – doubling the cost ..WTF ..more frustration… Most apps telling me I should stick with 1200 calories a day( and then exercise more to offset).. HOLY SHIT. Plan to decrease amount of creamer used in coffee daily( started measuring yesterday and switching to decaf after 1 cup because apparently caffeine keeps your cortisol at high levels.. Stick to no pasta, rice or white potatoes…decide on no bread other than 2-3 wraps a week. Receive random request to provide casual sex for a young male friends b-day ( declined) . Spending night doing off doing laundry, treadmill( i will do 3 rounds of 20 minutes at 3.5 mph since i HATE walking indoors)..I am at over 55 miles for January…. happy/miserable that I am down to 131 by eating less than 1000 calories per day for 3 days- this is NOT sustainable.

And that’s the deal so far. I will be working more OT this month. i am not sure how it will affect this project. But if i want to pay my bills ,pay for medical care, eat healthier, pay for a gym memberships againOR buy weights for at home, add good vitamins and probiotics , etc. this is what i will have to do…Le Sigh..who knew losing weight would costs so much?

The “Belly Fat” Background

So, last year I began to go through the dreaded “peri menopause”. A time in a woman’s life when all the rules change and self-esteem plummets to all-time lows. Not only do you lose all that nice soft skin around your face, and begin to dry out from top to bottom causing wrinkles and bags almost over- night, the loss of estrogen also redistributes all of that fat to the abdominal area. It is referred to as “the menopot”( such a lovely phrase) and is the bane of aging females worldwide. This seems like it defies all the laws of nature, especially those we learned about the distribution of weight based on shape & size, but I assure you- mother nature is a mad scientist. 

From all of the research I have done on the subject, it appears that this stubborn area of fat not only makes you feel bad, it literally causes an increased risk of heart disease. So, it’s not just about looking better, it is also about fighting a danger to your health. Again, thank you Mother Nature. You are too cruel.

If you have been reading my blog, you know that I quit drinking alcohol a year ago. I lost no weight at all. I also quit smoking 2 months ago ( for my health) but continue to chew nicotine gum. The nicotine is the appetite suppressant part of smoking and poses no health risks. So , no additional weight was gained from quitting cigarettes in my case. Just a continued lack of being able to LOSE the 10 lbs. I gained previously.

So let me tell you what I HAVE done so far. I have been pretty much a health nut all my adult life. I lifted weights regularly until 2012, slowed down quite a bit, but never stopped totally. I love lifting, but really hate going to a “gym” anymore. So I decided that despite my hatred of cardio, I really did need to look after my heart as I got older and changing my routine might help shed this extra weight. It didn’t.  I walk about 4- 5 days a week 3-5 miles on average, outdoors , with about 1/3  being incline. No difference even after 4 months.

I eat pretty healthy.. hate fruit but  love vegetables and  protein and drink lots of water. I also drink my coffee, but hate milk, juice & soda. I also eliminated 75% of breads, rice, pasta and potatoes from my diet. I don’t gravitate towards too many sweets , but I do love chocolate..i try my best to avoid it and several months ago was successful  at cutting out the daily chocolate stop on my way to work. I still indulge but not nearly as much, usually just a few mini bites here & there. I like veggie chips but limit them as well. STILL- no weight loss.

I have added 20-45 minutes of Yoga several nights per week and I meditate daily. I take a probiotic and only one daily med which is not known to cause weight gain. My blood work was fine in July 2019- no thyroid issues or diabetes. I do intermittent fasting ( no food 4a-4p most days) Have tried Keto and Paleo diets .Still—no luck.

So , here I am starting the new project .I have a few ideas to try. #1- begging for HRT at my next doctor appointment. #2 – adding weight lifting back in. Outside of that, going to continue to research and try as many things as I can to win this fight. Although I’ve determined I will no longer post daily, I’ll be updating at  least weekly.


My Next Project: Operation “Battle of the Bulge”

So , my next up project will be focused on losing this belly fat. Being in full blown peri menopause has has magically transported any and all fat to my mid region. It has lowered my self esteem, made me feel ugly and undesirable, and forced me to wear loose baggy clothes in an attempt to camouflage it.

While i have made this year my year of “acceptance”- THIS is not acceptable.And i will be attacking it like a boss. So far , even though i have eliminated 75% of pasta, bread, rice & potatoes out of my diet and have walked over 50 miles this month- i have not succeeded. But now that my other project is over, it is time to focus on this. Here is what i am starting with..hope you will follow along and make suggestions as well, keeping in mind that i am 53, female, and battling drastically shifting hormonal changes.


The Good & Bad things about Taking A Social Media Break.

So, my 6 month project is at and end. I have learned much and come full circle with a new perspective. For anyone considering taking a sabbatical , I have composed this list from my experience.

The positives/good things:

  1.  No political banter, incessant advertising, emotional drama, fake news articles, desperate-for-attention selfies or invasions of my privacy
  2. Absolutely positive that my opinions are now 100% my own ( not being swayed)
  3. No longer comparing myself, my art, my life, or my choices with anyone else’s
  4. No longer validate myself with the # of likes, comments or shares I receive,
  5.  Have been able to accomplish more in the last 6 months than I have for the last 8 years- including sobriety, quit smoking, buying my own home, and getting a job with better benefits
  6. No longer spending endless hours aimlessly scrolling, but using that time for more constructive endeavors
  7. Learned to value the handful of true , real life friends i have
  8. Happily listening to people say things using their own words instead of memes
  9. More quality time with those  close to me
  10. More yoga, meditation and exercising outdoors.
  11. Learning to enjoy writing/blogging/journaling again
  12. Able to be alone with myself more easily as time passes
  13. Better time management and daily routines
  14. No feeling “obligated” to like , comment, join groups, share, or post just to stay “included”.

The negatives/bad things:

  1. Extreme loneliness and isolation culminating in
  2. Deep depression and intense periods of anxiety
  3. FOMO as well as “actually” missing out
  4. Less connection with community
  5. Lack of motivation to do any art
  6. Seeing ‘online’ friendships for what they really are( hint: digital friends)
  7. Realizing how quickly and easily people are forgotten if they aren’t on “social media”
  8. Coping with the loss of a ‘social’ life( even if it was an imaginary one)
  9. Coping with trying to fill the void ( time and emotional)
  10. Facing “real” life without having technology to overcome boredom 
  11. Having to be with myself completely and without the smoke & mirrors of the digital world
  12. Realizing that alcohol, cigarettes and relationships were not my only toxic addictions and that I have turned to more junk food and binge watching Netflix, etc. to compensate
  13. Learning that no matter how much we learn, there are always more lessons . Life will never be perfect, and we will always have some stress.

There have been a LOT of ups & downs: Pink clouds as well as spiraling down. I bought a house , but now I am in debt and becoming more so. I changed agencies for better benefits, but I will be waiting a year for most of them. I have a new set of digital friends in the blogosphere, but I have to wonder how long those will last as well. I have finally started doing cardio but have stopped lifting weights. I know myself better, but have no one to share myself with ( yet). I still want to be an artist, but still undecided as to how much time/money I want to spend on it.

At this point I DO NOT recommend anyone taking 6 months.It is NOT for the weak. It was grueling and lonely and extremely hard on me. I feel it is too much for most people and as you can see, not all of it was positive. Take a week or 30 days at most.

As with any ending, the door opens for a new beginning. I am always a person with a plan, and my next project is in the works. 

Thanks for following this one and hope you will continue along for the next one.


My First 120 days Sober -May 2019

For all of my recovery blogger friends ….

Found this old video i made when i had reached my 120 days last year. I had attempted to start my own recovery group but did not continue the group after a few months due to a lack of interest ( most would rather go to AA it seems) . But Here is where i was at at that time just in case any of you are there or getting there..I should probably do a few more- just rediscovered my Youtube channel and will be adding some content in the next few weeks.. Anyway, enjoy:)

The Last Poem I Ever wrote

Although i have never mentioned it on here, i have been writing poetry since my teens. My roommate and i have run a monthly open mic poetry event for the past 3 years along with hosting other events at our private venue.Today, as i was going through some old online stuff i ran across my poetry page on Facebook. if you would like to take a look here is the link:


My last poem was written July 6, 2019. I decided tonight, rather than make a regular post, to include that poem here. Enjoy and Namaste .

Slightly Used Girl 

I haven’t the faintest idea
When the brick dropped
I remember picking it up though
And turning it over & over in my hands

It fell from a building I’ve seen a thousand times
But never noticed how
It was falling apart or
Wondered about its history

The brick itself was slightly broken 
On a corner
And had deep divets on either side
Scars of centuries gone by

It’s color was splotchy and diverse
A color not describable
And somewhat weathered down
To a hue of exhaustion

It was rough all over 
Nothing soft about it
Yet, I had surprisingly tender feelings
Just holding it

To imagine what it had seen
What it had been through
And stood up to
Over time

I gently placed it back and out of the way.
I walked home 
Looked in the mirror
And found a slightly used girl there

I wondered if anyone had ever 
Thought of me as tenderly as that
Or held me in such a way
Or even wanted to keep me

Then , I washed my face
Changed my clothes, 
Turned out the lights
And went to bed.

Lovie Price- July 2019

Facebook Fear

I am not sure what to do.

I have been getting back on Facebook for a few minutes at a time over the past week or so.(you know, weaning back in slowly). It’s crazy how toxic it feels. Almost like when you first start smoking or drinking. It starts out tentatively. So. Very. Tentatively.

“Ok, Lovie- just a few minutes. Check your page for malicious posts from uni-bombers. From there, stalk a few of your exes. Then look at you current friend count and sign off. It will be easy. No problem.”

So, i sign in and SLAM! Immediately i have to see a feed post about something that i probably shouldn’t ..and really did want to. Hurriedly punch in the keys to get out of that page and to do what i stated. Complete that. Still bothered by what i saw earlier so back to page to check it again. But it’s not there. I frantically search and try to recall who posted it and in doing so am forced to actually scroll. A few minutes in and i feel drunk. Disgusted with myself , i sign out. Berate myself for giving into toxicity and feel physically sick. A half hour later…

“Don’t be a pussy , Lovie. You did this for years. Take it one step at a time. Go ahead, post that pic of a monkey ink drawing you tried to continue with tonight. Let everyone know you are struggling with motivation. Then, immediately sign off. Done. Easy.”

I sign in again and do what i said-except within seconds 3 people “like” my post. Suddenly it dawns on me again why i used social media for so long. It is a crazy, insane, INSTANT validator. Funny thing is, after stating i will keep working on it i totally put the thing away in less than a minute. I am even more upset with myself than before.

“How could people even TRUST me when i cant even trust myself to do what i said? How crazy is it that i even care about any of it?”

Start rumination process about needing validation. Feel ashamed & guilty for deceiving my digital audience. Vow to complete mission tomorrow night. And wonder-

“How in the f*ck did i get so damn scared of Facebook in less than 6 months time?”

Ugh… not- in any way- one of the things i expected from this project. In less than 2 weeks i will be fully back online , at least that was the plan. But for now, i will have to be cautious…

Why A Normal Relationship Is So Hard After a Toxic One. — Perfectly Imperfect Blogg

Toxic relationships are difficult because a lot of time, they don’t start out that way. They start off healthy and good and make you very happy. And the gradual shift isn’t so much caused by the other person, but sometimes two people together just stop being good for each other. And it’s hard to step […]

Why A Normal Relationship Is So Hard After a Toxic One. — Perfectly Imperfect Blogg

Toxic People

We throw this word around a lot. I know I do. But what does it mean really?  A fellow blogger  posted something today and I feel compelled to respond.

First, I refer to the phrase’ toxic relationships’  a lot. Many people assume this is an accusation or “blaming”someone. On the contrary, let me say this. Just because “I” would call a relationship or person toxic does not in any way mean that they are personally at fault for any grief I feel ( about them or towards them). People just simply are who they are. When I call someone or  relationship toxic, I am referring to it being toxic to ME.

Ok.. now that THAT is out of the way, let me give specific examples :

1.I have been friends with a certain female friend for about 8 years or so. This person is also an alcoholic , like myself. We have been close, and we have been enemies . Many times this person has said things to me or about me that made me alternately furious and/or insecure. After years I realized that I just did not want to continue feeling this way so I distanced myself. I could blame her but my feeling is that it’s just her personality so- Is she a good person and friend -yes, for some. Am I still her friend? Yes. From a safe distance for my own mental health.

2.Several intimate relationships- obviously entering them I felt something positive towards them ( a sense of attraction, infatuation or even love). But over time, it became clear that we were NOT right for each other due to various reasons. Those reasons were unhealthy for me ( and ultimately for both of us) and i or we chose to break it off. Some of those reasons include alcohol, different political stances, different lifestyle choices , feelings about family, and choices in the relationship status itself .Neither person was wrong or right. Just is what it is. I do not hate any of them, or blame them exclusively for our failures. I am positive they are right for someone. Just not for ME.

3.Family members- I have distanced myself from MANY family members. Some are extremely passive-aggressive, some are aggressively political, some just brag about themselves or their lives excessively ,some are just way too much drama to deal with and others just complain constantly online and elsewhere. I have a right to peace and sanity. I do not blame them for their choices or feel any hatred towards those choices. I simply dilute my contact with them. Are they horrible people? Absolutely not. In fact they are very loving and honorable people . Just not good for ME on a regular basis.

4.Another nurse I have known for 2 decades-this nurse has backstabbed quite a few of my colleagues over the years. She may or may not realize how poorly her behavior has reflected on the rest of us in our field but I refuse to be scheduled on a case that she is also on.  She is known for berating other nurses to parents and overstepping professional boundaries to look “better” than everyone else.(taking clients laundry home to do on her own time , giving rides to the case family on her off time and buying expensive gifts for the patients birthday or Christmas.) At times, i have even considered that she knows not what she does.So, I simply chose to dis- associate. Is she a bad person or nurse? NO..  She is just bad for ME.

These are just some examples of people I call “toxic” / “toxic relationships” and I have had to separate from them. I am sure they are very nice people and have many commendable qualities. I am sure they have many friends who adore them and would never call them toxic. Not everyone is a good match or mix. 

.  “Toxic” is a matter of perspective, and each individual defines that for him or herself. And on that note- a confession/personal statement:

I myself am toxic. I have been for years, and may be for years to come- to various persons. I have been called that behind my back as well as to my face. I have been a bad partner, a bad friend, a bad family member, and even a bad co- worker in many ways. I do not excuse this or myself

So let’s just be fair , be humble and not take things personally .

If most of us are honest, we are all in some ways toxic. Just depends on someone’s perspective.


Blood Pressure Rising

This week has been long one. I had to wake early each day instead of sleeping in. One  of those days by choice, the others obligations or prior commitments. Next week also looks half full. My nights off each week are Thursdays & Fridays. I ran out of nicotine gum Wednesday and decided to go on without out it. Normal BP  for me= 100/70…So…going through another major withdrawal.

Thursday night was our monthly open mic event. Although it is somewhat easier now being at another venue, it is still a bit stressful. I get home about 9:30p and do laundry etc. I didn’t get to walk and am too sore to do yoga or meditate, so deal with nicotine cravings all night & watch Netflix until 6 am. BP check 125/90

Friday, get up early to meet my daughter for dinner, etc. Notice right away I am very irritable and my hormones are surging quite strongly( perimenopause). A little stressed about being around people I don’t know in a small space .Very worried about my daughter & son-in-law who is to have a heart surgery this week coming up. I still want to go for a walk afterwards so I leave around 630p, drive home & change. Still feeling stressed and it’s seriously cold out. I can barely do 2 miles….drive home still irritable. BP check .130/95

Saturday I try to sleep as much as I can all day since I cried most of last night ( hormones, financial stress, worrying about family stuff) and then wound up so stuffy i couldn’t breath well and had trouble sleeping. Send my son a text wishing him  luck on his vacation at 5am, only to find out in the evening they won’t let him fly out because of a clerical error . He is stressed and upset. Which gets me stressed & upset. BP check 145/100.

Then realize I have to deal with driving on ice covered hill and roads to work . Start thinking about all my other problems again – like why I can’t afford to take off etc. leading to thinking about my weight, the chronic pain, and lack of any kind of fun in my life. BP check 150/95- I go lay down on my heat pad.

After 45 minutes and a 0.5 mg Zanax..i realize there is nothing I can do about any of it at that moment, and I have to calm down. I scrape the solid ice off my whole vehicle, fight my ongoing cravings and head into work. BP check back to normal finally at midnight. This is my life.

I have been off the gum for only 2 days now and I hate it. It’s my next goal and not sure if I can do this. I feel like I am not handling things like I should be and have zero focus. So many things need to be dealt with- the house, bills, work issues. I am in a fog and spiraling down into misery. I want to be there for everyone, and I also want to hide under a rock. I pray this goes away soon …or  I don’t know what I will do.