The Difference this Time Around

An excerpt from my private blog from December 13, 2018– at 14 days into recovery

” Today( when i get up this afternoon, anyway) will mark 2 thursdays i have been sober in over 2 1/2 years..Thats amazing to me.
however, i still want to drink tomorrow. that has not changed. And i know i will want to drink even more as the evening wears on because..for pete’s sake! It’s my “night off”.Yup…thats what I’ve been telling myself for years..” I deserve it” “i need to relax””Thank god its Friday ( Thursday) for me” “Finally, party time”…all of those lines.The real deal though is that once you get to the point i was(am) it’s really NOT fun..or relaxing or a reward.Its 3 hours of feeling good followed by drama, bad behavior, hurting people and/or their feelings, falling down, and then another 12-48 of anxiety, depression and hangover residual along with the guilt of knowing or hearing about what you did and said.
I gotta keep reminding myself of this.”

As i go back and re read these words , i find encouragement. And there’s no better encouragement than that which comes from within. My own words..my own strength..my own acknowledgement of a problem i needed to address. But the best thing about “hearing” myself here is that this time round is so very different.

I still have not had any cravings or urges to drink. And even whilst realizing this is a very fragile thing, i’ll take it. I believe my effort and commitment back then has truly paid off in dividends for my current endeavor.

I often mention on here and to others regarding our “tool box“, and i highly encourage anyone just starting out to start filling one up. You may need it again.In fact, you may need some of those tools forever. You/i/he/she will always be an alcoholic. That part doesn’t change.What may (or may not) change is what kind of alcoholic you are.And believe me- that can change several times during your journey!

So, that’s how the first go round started—disgusted with myself..fighting every day, every hour for weeks…then came my first “slip”-

example : 36 days later- January 18th, 2019-

“so , i drank again.4 beers thursday night- got nauseous and bad anxiety. I thought the beer would help the anxiety but i was wrong. I laid there all night praying fervently for relief and didn’t sleep for shit”

( it was on THIS date that i finally decided to commit- and stayed AF for 15 months)

another example at 90 days alcohol free:

“As far as my 90 days and where i am at:
– Emotionally 90% of the time i have been good.
– Physically i have not been hungover, just a few weeks where i was exhausted. I have noted that getting to the gym really does help. and i hate it when i am so swamped that i cant make it in. Like the next few days. My nausea still comes & goes with eating. I don’t know what thats about and am hoping its all anxiety related so it will calm when i adjust to the meds.
– Daily: i am getting stuff done. Again, way more than i did before.General cleaning, organizing, planning , and tasking. appointments and phone calls, answering messages and getting out to events, etc. So thats good.
– Struggles: still struggling with what seems like so much. Different stuff than before but still….I don’t get overwhelmed as much or as quickly but when i do it just floors me. I start to feel like a failure, helpless, and like i will never get it under control.Mostly this is hormonal i have to believe. I have been ruminating about social stuff too..how much i miss drinking and carrying on with friends. How much i miss THAT side of it.The ONLy thing keeping me from caving right now is knowing how sick and awful i will feel if i do. In every way. I wish i could say the feeling of accomplishment was awesome.Its not.Its kind of subdued really.I feel boring. I feel like an outcast.”

at 6 months:

“1. i no longer have to plan my time off around drinking.2. although i haven’t been exactly faithful to the gym, i have been going. This needs to improve3. i have gotten to to way more social events4. My art has vastly improved and i’ve done a lot more of it5.I have a sh*t ton less toxic people around me on the regular. Sure, they are still out there, but not in my “circle” as much.6.I’ve met more visual artists.Actually MET them and not just friended them online.7. No hangovers! Woot!8. never have to worry about driving or when i can go somewhere because i’m “drinking” or planning to drink.9. My clothes match, my teeth are brushed and i’m taking better care of my skin10. I have a better connection with my daughter and grandsons.”

I could go on..at one year i was elated, and confident. But then at 15 months i started to feel like i needed to “test the waters” again.

And here i am, starting over yet-with new perspectives..and i still have my tool box.

We all need one..so no matter what else you purge…keep this item around!!

Namaste!