Month: February 2022

It’s noon and i am still sitting in my robe drinking my coffee and scrolling through FB. This has been a tough week.

But today, like the other days, i will keep going. I will work on myself, my art, and my heart. Healing is a process, and a difficult one. There are moments when i question what i did wrong, and “what is wrong with me?”. There are moments when i wonder if i was too ugly, old, or boring. There are moments when i can barely drag myself to the bathtub and get myself in gear for the day. But, too- there are moments of self awareness and gratitude for this pain.

I am grateful for knowing that i can still feel these feelings. I am grateful for the opportunity i got to not go through a pandemic alone. I am grateful for learning more about my own intentions and needs. I am grateful for God’s intervention and guidance.I am grateful for the universes’ wisdom.

As i struggle to regain my balance and self worth, i am reminded of past lessons and the clarity they brought me. I am reminded of all that i accomplished because of them. And i look forward to the things i will accomplish going forward.

For anyone today who is going through heartache and pain, hurt, depression, anger or fear…know this. You will rise, you will be better, you will survive.

And you will look back and see that your prayers have been answered, even if not in the way you expected or wanted at the time.

Peace and Namaste.

Love can be like a wild tumble down a mountain. It may start out laughing and happy, giddy with excitement and anticipation- but soon you may run into briars, stones and other rough patches. At times you will hold onto each other for safety, and at others you will have to let go and go it alone. And by the time you get to the bottom you can either be bruise and damaged, sitting together in stunned silence -bewildered, or looking at each other-pleasantly giggling and exhausted. I usually wind up in the bruised and damaged group it seems and yet i have climbed that mountain again and again- filled with hope for a different result.

We, as humans, crave the love and companionship of another almost as much as we need food, water and shelter, all of which can sustain us, make us feel safe, and let us know we are alive.

Yet, in the pursuit of this curious monster, we are sometimes blinded by the adventure. We miss danger signs, and ignore warnings our brain is shouting at us. All we( want to) see is how much fun we are having , feeling the adrenaline pulsing through our bodies, as our minds and hearts soar with dreams of the future. The other person is everything. We forget about ourselves. It is no wonder we can arrive at it’s end with a thud- dizzy-and wondering what the hell just happened.

My most recent love affair is floundering and i am currently spinning. I had such wonderful plans and once again let myself believe it would all work out beautifully. I looked at him with so much awe and admiration that i let it outshine my own boundaries and needs. But my trust was broken and, as the dust settles, i realize that I had taken a chance and when we take chances , there are always risks.

Sometimes you don’t even notice the scrapes and brush burns and bruises you accumulate along the way. They become scabs, then scars and over time they are forgotten about. But when the old wounds are ripped open, they can lead to deeper injury or worse, an infection.

So, it is time to wipe the sleepy dirt from my eyes and take a long , hard look at what got me here in the first place- a lack of vigilance, forgetting my own dreams, and not honoring boundaries i had set. I need to tend to my wounds. We all have to care for ourselves even as we care for others. It is easy to forget this most basic need. We must put a heavy weight on that which is crucial to our own survival, or we will pay a heavy price. This too requires risk.

You may have to ask for what you need. Or allow for time to re examine what is important . You may have to risk speaking your truth. And you will risk rejection. But it’s ok to take risks. Some risks are necessary and a part of life. And perhaps the most important risk of all…. is a little thing called love.

Namaste.