Month: April 2023

My brother has opted to go into hospice care. I am writing here because i need to purge some of the grief i am feeling and no where else seems appropriate. Please understand and do not judge. This is so hard.

We had a very turbulent childhood to say the least. My father was in the military, and we lived in a state far from family. My brother was born there and at age 3, i became a big sister. We have been through a lot since then .And i had written almost two full pages but in the end decided I just wanted to share some of the good.

When he was a baby , i would put him in my little red wagon and pull him around the yard for hours while my mother did chores and hung the wash out on line to dry. At first i wasn’t allowed to pick him up by myself, but eventually i was trusted to do so, along with changing his diapers and feeding him . I would sit in the shade with him singing him the few songs i knew and playing with his little swirls of hair. I adored him. His tiny baby head smelled so wonderful, and i loved when his fingers would curl around my own.I held onto him as he learned to walk , and later ride a bike. These memories are very vivid for me.

When my dad came home from the service for good, we moved back to our home state. My moms sisters had been having their own children so i had hoards of younger cousins.For awhile, i was put in charge of watching all the others because i was the oldest and i hated having to sit in a playpen with the “babies”..lol.

Besides my brother though, there was only one other boy in the bunch. My brother was forced to play with the rest of us girls a lot. We were all poor, so we shared the few toys we had. He would always help us dress our dolls and we would play with his toy trucks. We spent most of our summers together up in the mountains at the family hunting camp. Playing hide and seek, splashing in the creek and exploring the woods together. We all had to take baths in the creek as well since there was no plumbing.. it was sooo cold!

Later, when we lived on a farm, my brother helped with the cows, and seemed to love caring for them.We would play with match box cars, star wars figurines, listen to records, and build forts ,We would play jokes on our mom, and run around in the woods looking into nearby caves and creeks almost everyday after school.

Those parts of life were good, and i cherish these memories most of all. But as far back as i remember, there was also divorce, custody battles, fighting, violence and instability. My mom would hide us in a closet sometimes, so we could hear, but not see, what was going on. My brother would shake and cry ..and i would hold him, whisper for him to stay quiet and that things would be okay. He was so scared, and so little. One time, he was barely 2 years old and my dad took him for 2 years. I cried for him. I thought he would never come back and missed him terribly. There are too many stories to tell- some so funny they bring tears of laughter.And some so horrific, the tears wont stop flowing.

Even now, as i help with his care, feeling how thin he has gotten reminds me of the fragile child i held so long ago. Except his ribs are barely covered with a sheath of skin and all skeletal parts jutting out as if they might poke through at any moment. He struggles to help us when we move him but has no strength. His breath is fast and shallow. His face grimaces in pain almost constantly. He is not eating. His hands and feet are cold and bluish. He is trying. He apologizes and i just want to melt into tears.

Now, again I am holding onto him as he walks…..

Going through this now with him, everything comes flooding back. Watching the brother i grew up with, laughed with, cried with and held – become a ghost- withering away… is just too much. I do not want to think about not growing old together, or making any more memories. I cannot fathom burying our parents without him by my side someday. Or not being able to call him for or talk to him or watch him play guitar.Or knowing that all i will have- is memories.

Some have never had siblings, and others have many. I have only one.While I do have a half brother by my dad’s other marriage, i did not grow up with him and do not know him well. I have only met/spoke him a few times.

It is so hard to explain how much an only brother, means. It is even harder to explain how it feels to watch them actively dying. He is 3 years younger than I.

My brother has had cancer for a few years . He is now in stage 4 and having endured all the side effects of Chemo and Radiation, tonight he was re admitted to the hospital. He is disoriented, confused, and weak.He has lost so much weight, he can barely walk. We do not expect him to be around much longer.But it doesn’t matter what he is dying from. All i know is that i am losing my brother. And as the reality becomes closer and more clear , I am feeling like someone is punching me hard in the chest, over and over.

I am not close with most of my family. Aside from my 2 kids, grandchildren and mom, i rarely speak to or hear from any of them.My father is all but a stranger to me. But my brother and I despite our differences, were closer than most know. Only a few even understand how much he means to me. Even fewer know the things we’ve gone through. And while we are both intensely private, we have always been there for each other when things got rough.

As a nurse, i have been able to “put on a good face” and stay pretty stoic up until this point. But tonight I am just crumbling inside. I try hard not show how deeply it is affecting me. I give the basic details to a few but cannot really open up. No one knows or seems to understands what I am feeling. I, myself, did not expect the absolute depths of grief and pain. The flood of memories comes in waves and I cannot imagine him not being there anymore, not being a part of my life..

My brother is a part of me.

It’s hard to talk about it.Most people say “i’m sorry to hear” or “sending prayers”. Some just avoid the whole thing and change the subject.No one knows what else to say or really wants to deal with it. I get it. Even a mention of it and the conversation becomes awkward and uncomfortable.On social media you just get an emoji.

But i miss him already.

And i am not ready to lose him.

I wanted to follow up my last post( regarding what was the exact reason(s) i started taking recovery seriously) with the reasons i am still in recovery. In other words, the things that have made me stick to it for longer periods than I once thought possible.

This does not mean I have not failed. No one is perfect. Even if a person simply and completely refrains from drinking alcohol ever again, many still fail at the actual recovery part. True recovery is a process, and it requires tons of internal and external work. After all, if you break your leg, it isn’t healed just because you put a cast on it- there may be surgery, likely be physical therapy, and complete healing can vary from person to person based on their lifestyle, diet, genetics, physical activity, mental health and many other factors.The same is true for recovery from alcoholism. If you don’t follow a healthy medical plan with a broken leg you could easily wind up with a fracture or permanent disfigurement.If you don’t follow a healthy all-bases-covered plan for recovery from addiction, the chances of success are significantly lower.

Now if you have read any of my posts from the past, especially those from my first full year of sobriety, you know that i both like and don’t like AA. So please do not or pass judgement on anyone who does or does not go that route. In truth, i went for about 3 months then ditched it because i knew i could do better work on my own. It had nothing to do with the religious part, but more to do with the cliquey nature of the various groups i attended. That being said, the literature and their philosophy was of great value to me when i was able to use it on my own.

So what I am listing here are the most crucial and helpful factors that pushed me past 30/60/90 days, past a year , and beyond. I won’t list them as “what to do in the first 30 days” time line, etc. because there are plenty of those types of articles out there already. Instead, i am going to start from the second “one year of sobriety” that i just hit in March of this year.

Why i to stay sober (now):

1. the absolute number one reason is what goes through my mind at this point whenever i even think about drinking alcohol. It starts with “what if i have an opportunity to drink ?” My mind , in less than 3 seconds, ends with thinking about how lousy i will look , think and feel once i stop-whether it’s 3 drinks in , or bingeing and waking up the next day. And i do not want to ever feel as crappy as alcohol made me feel ever again.This has stopped me every single time since Christmas 2021. I would suffer for 2-3 days after, not to mention longer term residual effects over time. Even when i had 3 glasses of wine last March, i knew enough to stop there, even though i had another full bottle of wine sitting right there and i STILL felt yucky the next day! p.s.- i still have that bottle in my closet today. It serves as a reminder.
2. Understanding how it is that some people can drink “normally” while i cannot. That is a real stickler for some people and i admit i was (and in some ways still am) one of them.There were numerous times before i quit that i had quit for a week or even a month but re- started because i am so rebellious by nature, that my resentment and spite determined that it was not fair and i should certainly be able do what everyone else was doing. What a nightmare! I would start again, sink into the habit , and get back to knowing i needed to quit again with yet another layer of guilt. It was a vicious cycle. It took me a very long time to put together several crucial components of understanding to help get me past my own stupidity:First- age– those young pups are way more able to tolerate toxins in their body. But someday they will either wise up and quit the partying, or their body will force it on them with severe health consequences. They may be able to push the boundaries for a long time, but eventually it will catch up to them.Second- sex-females are not only smaller in structure and weight by nature, but even the huskiest woman still has hormones that differ from our male counterparts. Men will never go through menopause, and trust me, it changes EVERYTHING. i had never blacked out before from alcohol no matter how much i drank until i was in the throes of menopause.Even women who do not suffer the typical hot flashes, moodiness, and weight gain symptoms are almost guaranteed to have those hormones affect their ability to handle alcohol.It’s very odd to me that whenever i am talking to a woman of a certain age who drinks, they cant seem to understand what is happening -“how did not remember anything about what i did last night? it’s happening more and more often and it makes no sense. I was always able to hold my liquor.”(Hint: this is a blackout and very very common in menopausal women). They are often surprised when i ask if they are starting or in the process of menopause and share my story. It usually hits home.Third-genetics-whether it’s heart issues, diabetes , obesity, ethnicity, or a whole host of other genetic factors -not everyone can “handle” alcohol the same. One example- those of asian descent are very often less tolerant because of the deficiency of the enzyme aldehyde dehydrogenase which converts alcohol to acetaldehyde in the liver. This is a nasty toxin which when combined with alcohol has the effect of Antabuse ( a prescription used to treat severe alcoholism)- headaches, nausea, dizziness and general misery. Bottom line, is that there are some things we cannot change about ourselves..we just have to accept, and no amount of stubbornness, dietary changes, or planning will make us more able to tolerate this addiction, even though we may try, and deeply want to believe it so.

3. Knowing that it takes about a year before an alcohol-soaked brain returns to normal function. It doesn’t matter how many pink clouds, exciting new realizations and personal epiphanies you may experience before that or how much clearer you believe you are thinking at these early points, it is nothing compared to what your perceptions are at one full year.And it doesn’t matter how intelligent or highly functional you are, or think you are, in general. Alcohol = brain fog. And the longer one is alcohol free- say 5 years, 10 years and beyond the better, more focused and productive the brain becomes. Barring other factors such as normal aging, disease process, and changing life events- it stands to reason that the less tainted anything is, the better it works.With the brain, there are so many complex chemicals and processes going on every second of everyday that getting things back to normal , much less increased capacity, is going to take more than a few months. Depending on the length and depth of sustained consumption, a year is about average statistically speaking. So keep going!A healthy brain is worth it!

Those are my top 3. I could add a fourth and say moderation usually doesn’t work for very long- but i have only tried it once in earnest, so i wont. I am sure it is different for everyone , but the above are really what keeps me in line. And again, it isn’t fail-safe. I’ve been very….. lucky? I won’t discount that idea. I do know that this time around has been vastly different than the first few years, and i believe these things to be the reasons.

Anyway, i hope this speaks to someone..you never know. It may be awhile before i write about sobriety again.But i am always here and still read posts from my struggling/sober friends. If you ever need an ear- reach out.

Namaste!

Recently, i went out of my way to visit a few friends pages on here that i hadn’t seen much from in my feed- you know- just to stalk…i mean, check up on…them…lol…As i did so, it occurred to me once again how very important it is to stay present and available others who might be struggling or just starting out on this path. Had it not been for the group of people on here and this blogging sphere, i would not have survived my own recovery. I cannot say that loud enough.

It is a fact that i have been sober longer than some, and less time than others. I have neither a 20 year veteran’s experience, nor am i a “newbie”. But I still write about it on occasion here because I believe that any insight has a greater chance of helping someone than silence. Remember, your story matters.

In the beginning ..i was alone. No one in my “world” had even come close or told me they were even considering quitting alcohol( except for an ‘ex’, who was not able to stick to it, at least at that time). Being an artist in that community, drinking is common and accepted ( even the bad parts). Many do not realize until it is very late in the game and so much has been lost that cannot be gotten back- time, youth, money spent on it, and physical health. It’s something that is seen as a given – the “tortured artist”, the crazy lifestyles, and worse- it is enabled and even encouraged by those in the community to such a degree that finding a completely abstinent person is a rarity. Even now, i only know a few. Many events includes alcohol ( usually at least wine), and many events are held in venues that serve it. If an event doesn’t include alcohol, it’s also common for everyone to meet for drinks after.

At any rate, I could get into all of the horrible things i did and said. I could also get into the things i didn’t do in comparison to many others. Neither matters. There are hundreds of stories out there. I won’t rehash mine right now. BUT , what i will tell you is the straight up truth about the things led me to the serious endeavor of recovery.

Years ago, sometime in 2018, I started having bouts of night time anxiety. I would wake up in a panic, filled with dread. It was so intense, i thought i would actually die. My heart would pound.- for hours. Strangely, i didn’t know at first what was causing it. I tried to blame every OTHER aspect of my life- my friends, my job, my finances, my boyfriends, my family, or some unknown medical issue. No matter what medication i took, or how i changed my diet, or even how much i worked out it continued. No matter what i cut out of my life, or what new projects i got into…the anxiety and sleeplessness became constant. After months of physical exhaustion from lack of sleep, i had no choice but to admit it was happening not only every single time i drank, but continued for days after. It was making me physically ill and mentally unstable. I knew i couldn’t go on like that.

The second eye opener was the blackouts because they started happening every single time i drank.These are totally different from passing out. They are scary as #$%^&, and you have absolutely no control. The brain literally shuts down and stops recording, even though you are still walking around, talking and appear awake. And it’s even scarier that you will never, remember those moments, for the rest of your life.

So, in addition to becoming a real jerk( and getting into arguments with everyone around me), i began to look much older in appearance than i realized. The effects of my consumption led to increased wrinkles, bad skin tone and increased body pain.I gained weight and cellulite( to this day have never gotten back down to my pre drinking weight). No vitamins, medications or supplements were helping. I really didn’t notice until much later, when i looked at photos. My drive, too had dwindled to almost nothing.I had no energy and I just didn’t care. I no longer even tried in relationships because whenever i felt lonely, the bottle was always there. It was there when i had no one, after a bad fight or break up, whenever i was angry with a friend or family member, upset about work or just about anything i didn’t want to deal with. Of course, I could never admit it then and made every excuse possible rather than acknowledge i had a problem. Hint-if you look forward to drinking( alone or otherwise) MORE than spending time with someone you love or care about, there’s a problem.

In 2018, after almost 7 years of existing this way, i started sobriety in earnest. I had 2 false starts. then 15 months alcohol free… then some slips, another recommitment. Then I tried moderation, leading to a relapse and in March 2022, i recommitted and have another year of sobriety again . For sure, the path is not linear . It isn’t the same for everyone, and it isn’t perfect. Some quit and never look back. Some spend decades in slips and relapses. Others slip or relapse once and quit for good. Some slip or relapse and just accept failure. I cant tell anyone how it will go. But there are a few things that are very common amongst alcoholics. You can hear some of this in AA meetings, from friends that have quit, and in many articles and literature available out there. It may take some time to find what really speaks to you. But for what it’s worth, here are my conclusions.

First, I suspect at least 50% of those who go into recovery are like me- without a rock bottom moment or a drastic event that makes the choice inevitable. I didn’t lose my job, get a DUI , commit a crime or wind up in a hospital. I didn’t become homeless or start doing drugs ..nor did i even drink everyday- ever. I simply allowed alcohol to become a regular part of my life. I binged every week on my night or nights off. I would spend a day or two with hangover symptoms, sober up and start again the next night off. My tolerance went from 1 or 2 drinks to 7, 10, or 12 at a time. I convinced myself i was “handling it.” ( Surprise- I wasn’t).

Second, most alcoholics don’t realize what defines alcoholism, at least not until they do some research or have a list of questions presented to them.And if truth be told, i did look that list up many years before i even started really drinking .The list is quite telling, but most of us can argue our way out of each one. If you run across this list, understand that when and if you do quit, you will view your answers with more honesty when sober. Hint #2- any regular drinking should be looked at honestly-whether it’s every day, a few times a week, once a week, or only weekends.

Third, a huge amount of drinkers start out drinking as a social thing, usually to lessen inhibitions. While it does lessen anxiety in small amounts, the irony of it is that it usually increases anxiety and depression over time. It’s subtle and different for everyone.The most telling sign is drinking alone regularly. But you can ask yourself when the last time was that you hung out with friends who were drinking and you felt completely fine not drinking along with them, even if you can. Then ask yourself if you have a choice of hanging out a non drinking event or going to one where there will be drinking, which you prefer.When i began my recovery, i had to stay away from any place that even smelled like alcohol . To this day, it still feel ‘uneasy’ when i smell it.

Fourth, most of us tend to deny our problem in similar ways- comparison to more extreme users, whether or not it has interfered with our job, and /or what type of alcohol or drug is involved. I, for instance, was not spending my days in a bar, i never missed work, and ( at first) i only drank wine. I didn’t mix drinks and i stayed away from liquor. All of these things “justified” my continued use.

I hope this has helped someone, but even if it doesn’t, I will write about it on occasion because it helps me.

To all of my sober friends and those who are struggling..keep at it. I’m here if you need me.

Namaste!