I don’t know about you, but i need a short break..Yeah, i know this may somewhat contradict a post i wrote recently. But ya’ll know what we need a break from : talk about the pandemic and politics. Not saying there is anything wrong with discussing current events, but personally, i am sick of it right now so….
I wanted to write a few words about some other things and inspired by reading a few of your blog posts tonight i figured i would start with some transparency .Transparency is soul cleansing and is one of my most valued aspirations.
The past few months have been extremely stressful for so many in so many ways. However, much of my own stress doesn’t even directly derive from the current world situation. I have mentioned family health issues recently , but allow me to add to that major financial issues that continue to crop up unexpectedly no matter how well i plan , save or budget.These are things completely outside of my control.
Additionally , the recent experience with a former friend reeking havoc in our community with very serious allegations/accusations and the repurcussions . These have been so deeply emotional for myself and my roommate that we have hardly slept and i have had such an intense headache since it started which is unresolved with the usual OTC meds.
But this post isn’t really about all of that. The list is too long, details too great and ..hell- i’m sick of hearing myself whine about it all.
My “transparency” is about the results of the stress.
It is a sense of irony to me that within days of posting an update selfie on my Facebook profile( May 8th) that i have “16 months sobriety, 5 months smoke free, Age 53” and also stating i completed one full year of being completely single that the worst stress of all had yet to come. It feels like a premonition now- of just how easily we sometimes must eat our words, step down off our little pedestals, and realize our own limits.And our coping abilities can be stretched beyond what we are capable of . In the past few weeks i have ..cough , cough… failed at maintaining some of those commitments.
To be precise: i had a night( last week) when i drank 4 beers. And i have been puffing a few( very few, but still!) of my roommates cigarettes for about 2 weeks now. Additionally i have been eating terribly, and have not resumed any kind of exercise.There, i said it. Out loud. And it’s a relief. I have been holding in the guilt and that has made it exponentially worse.
The stress of everything has been a major factor. Not an excuse, but a factor. We all have our limits and i am certainly not impervious to my own weaknesses. I have noted that others have succumbed to such things recently and thankfully have been able to admit it. We are not Gods, we are not perfect, and we are not without weaknesses. So, what can we do?
I believe the very first step , beyond admission, is to accept it without continued guilt. I believe then we need to take a step back and see a bigger picture , ask ourselves some questions, then buckle down with a plan. In my humble opinion, we need to be realistic about the when and how such plan will be viable.
For me, given everything going on, i am working on mentally visualizing everyday, what i must do to work towards recovering some of these commitments , while re evaluating the others. It’s an ongoing process, in which FLEXIBILITY is the most important component. Because , seriously, no matter how many times i have planned and said my mantras and reinforced that “yes today is the day i WILL__________” something totally unexpected has arisen and crushed me.Things that are completely beyond my control, which have drained me physically, mentally and emotionally in a very sudden and unexpected way.
For example : i have said “today i WILL being walking outdoors again” . Then, within hours an major issue crops up preventing this from happening . It has led to repeated , prolonged bouts of guilt, depression and anxiety. Not productive. So now, the solution is committing to flexibility , acceptance ( for a short duration) , and some prompt self care aimed at regrouping.
At this point, i have NO idea when this nightmare/circus/devils merry-go-round will end. Therefore, i will be kind to myself, take things one day/one breath/one accomplishment at at time. I have faith that i will get there. I believe in myself.
And you should too.
Namaste.
Wake up! 