No, it’s not what you think. I haven’t gone and drank the KoolAid or imbibed the Demon’s Tea:) I am talking about punching the air with my fists at times lately, sometimes for several minutes. Surprisingly , it really does help with stress…lol..
For the last few weeks , in addition to my usual 6 nightshifts a week and trying ( sometimes unsuccessfully ) to sleep at least 5 hours during the daytime, I have been immersed in repainting 3 rooms in the house ( 3 more to go plus a hallway) , hauling stuff upstairs from the basement and downstairs to either pack/trash/or give away, along with juggling whatever help i can get with all of it.And of course there are always unexpected complications and glitches that have to be dealt with. So far it has left very little time for “self-care” or even just relaxing. I haven’t even gotten to take a walk or hike for 2 whole weeks– which is crushing because we have had some really beautiful days.
Never the less , i am pushing onward knowing that with each completed project, every bin of “dust collectors” i get rid of, and every item i slash off my to-do list, i get closer and closer to reaching the goal of having the life I have always envisioned.
My Desktop Background
In the meantime, it’s nose to the grind stone.And that means i can get pretty wound up. I usually at least try to sit back on my heat pad for an hour or so before work, and once in a while I will meditate during that time as well. But recently i’ve been letting off a little steam with this bit of improvised “Air Karate”. As long as i don’t physically hit anything , the 3-5 minute activity redirects any negative energy to positive while also giving me a quick adrenaline boost. Of course, if there ever happens to be a big fluffy pillow nearby, i might consider a smack down…..lol.
Anyway, tomorrow i finally have 2 days off and plan to fit in some trail blazing. Additionally, i’ve decided to try something new with my Youtube channel- covering some of my blog posts from here in video format. I’ve been wanting to add some more content but since i hadn’t been able to get out as much as i expected to , this seems like a decent way to do just that.What do you think?
I’m still struggling with a few tech issues- mainly how to get my phone to video in landscape without the silly black bars on each side. No matter how many instructional videos i watch, nothing seems to work. But i’ll keep at it.
Hope you all are out enjoying the weather when you can, and making the most of Spring so far!
Today i finally got back outside after several stressful weeks to test out my new Oboz Trail Boots in the muddy leftovers of recent heavy rain. While it was only a short walk, i am happy i forced myself out to get some fresh air as well as share a personal response to some recent commentary i’ve been dealing with about my life choices.
But if you don’t have the time or inclination to watch ( it IS almost 15 minutes long after all , and who has time these days?lol), here’s a brief summary.
In life, we all have to make choices .Some of those choices may be unpopular with those around you. This includes family, friends, acquaintances, facebook friends, co-workers and/or others. Some will blatantly tell you they think you are making a mistake while others will attempt to dissuade you with passive aggressive statements meant to belittle or question your intent- usually without knowing the full story. It is beyond insulting, and i have to admit, sometimes i struggle not to immediately lash out. But, there will always be nay-sayers, and among them are those who live their own lives in fear and scarcity, rather than taking any risks, and who seem to feel it is their duty to sway you in that direction as well.
While it’s important to be open to advice and criticism, it’s just as important, if not more important to listen with a discerning ear. As i was once told- consider thesource. All i can do is shake my head when i get( unsolicited) advice from those who are, quite honestly, in no position to give it.After all, I certainly wouldn’t want to end up where they are.
There are at least 3 basic types of risk. I could further subcategorize but for all intents and purposes , i’ll just cover the main points.
First you have ” high risk”. This is when you decide something at the spur of the moment without benefit of research, knowledge or experience. These are usually based on emotion- anger, spite, jealousy, fear or other such volatile states of mind.Some examples would be acts of road rage, outlandish purchases, revenge affairs, drunk driving, playing the stock market, etc. These are also the ones that are the most regrettable.They can lead to severe consequences that may be life long.
Then you have “low risk”. This is when you decide to do something because you know that doing it will probably not affect your current circumstance much, or have little chance of failing. These are based on survival and routine. Some examples are getting into your car everyday to drive to work, attending a social event, trying a new food, or trying out a new hairstyle.
The third type of risk is what i call “calculated risk”. This is when you an appropriate amount of time researching, experimenting and analyzing data related to something new you would like to try, BEFORE you try it. It’s the healthiest type of risk you can engage in. It has a greater chance of success and you will not likely regret it as much as jumping into something on a whim.It provides not only a chance to grow and learn, but allows for some margin of error without being a suicide mission.
Making plans to go on a long backpacking trip, selling a home and buying land, or starting a new career/business are some examples in which calculated risk makes the most sense. By taking a proactive approach by delving into the pros and cons, as well as working through potential problems ahead of time you can avoid disaster, while still accomplishing your goals.
I hope you all are doing well and living the life you deserve:)
Many moons ago, during the first year I started this blog, i made a post about attachments. For some reason, perhaps the title itself, it was one of the most read posts i have ever had on here. I searched it out tonight and re read it, in light of the process I am now going through.
Like most people, my life has seemed like one failed experiment after another. I always learned through trial and error what i didn’t want , but could never seem to put my finger on what i did want, and why i couldn’t get it and with each new adventure, i became disillusioned and depressed when it did not bring the satisfaction i longed for. However, one dream never left my heart. More of a need, really.
I suppose it was always there, that need, lurking just through the fog, even as a child. Always out of reach and not clear. It both haunted and dogged me, creating fear and yet, somehow- a reprieve.It was the dream of a place in the woods, on a mountain with a small cabin, far away from the world at large, surrounded by trees …. alone. The essence of peace, strength, self – reliance, and answering to no one. Free to wander, to sleep under the stars, and use every one of my senses to experience the raw nature around me. Breathing in the fresh air, gazing across miles and miles of endless wilderness. I craved silence. I craved simplicity.
I have made several feeble attempts to access the dream without giving up “too much”. I’ve vacationed in many many scenarios and spent hours trying to find places i could visit to feel calm and centered. I went through periods of walking alone, running alone, hiking, and even putting up a small cabin retreat in the woods on my own property. With each project, the end result was the same- unsatisfying. Like water for Chocolate.
But i was manifesting, without even realizing it- through loss. Losing more than i ever thought possible in the past few year and in a single moment of clarity, i realized how loss has been creating a clearer path to my dream.And i just- accepted it. No one to define me. No material possessions to weigh me down. My daughter says I am entering a “new season” of life and used the term “scorched earth”. I like that, the idea of being completely stripped down, barren – a created space to grow anew. It feels like the perfect description. Shedding layers of attachments and to face myself with no labels.
I no longer belong to the world’s ideas or versions of me.
I see freedom on the horizon, and it looks like heaven itself.
Hi guys! It’s been a beat since i posted and i wanted to update what’s been going on in my life:)It’s always a bouncy, but interesting ride!
After my video on January 30th i did wind up getting sick. Luckily I was able to nip it in the bud with an inhaled steroid script this time though so, it only lasted about 4 days instead of 2 -3 weeks. But then we had a big snow. I still haven’t gotten my water proof hiking boots either so all of this cut into my walking/hiking time.
I did wind up getting out for the day on Feb 10th and was finally able to conquer most of a difficult trail i had attempted twice before. There’s a bunch of rock scrambling, tree hugging and mud and i even slipped once on camera…lol…That video can be seen here: (p.s.- sound quality isn’t great- use both ear buds- i apologize and am trying to get better)
On February 13th, I turned 57. Unfortunately, the week didn’t turn out as i had hoped. On Valentines day my boyfriend and i broke up so that cancelled my birthday dinner for the 16th. I had 2 days scheduled off so i wound up spending them alone .It was cold and snowed one of those days as well. But, i was able to stay busy with things i had been putting off for a long time like scheduling appointments, getting my required online training done for work, and sorting through stuff i need to purge for my upcoming move.
However, the best thing that came out of the week was finally paying off the last of my debt. Once my house is sold ( i list it this spring)will have only a car payment left. The profit from the sale will go towards buying 10 plus acres of wooded land where i can make my own trails and enjoy the peacefulness away from busy traffic and too many people. It’s been a long , hard road and it’s not over..but i am closer than ever to attaining my lifelong dreams!
I hope you all are doing well and i’ll be doing some more hiking/backpacking posts soon.
in some places you can’t turn off utilities at home for an extended period of time unless you want to pay a huge “security deposit” when you return to have them turned back on. Basically i’ve been told it’s like starting with a new account, despite the number of years you may have paid faithfully. If you plan to return to the same home, a better option is to set everything for the minimal use for the time frame- such as the lowest temp that will keep pipes from freezing if you live in a cold area.
It’s hardly ever stated that before you leave you should order a few extra copies of your drivers license. Many are lost on trail and it can be a huge hassle. You can have them sent to you at a post office , just like resupply boxes.. but be aware that some post offices also require ID. So, it’s helpful to make printer copies of your ID to put in a separate space on your pack that you won’t be getting in and out of ( risking loss) for such occasions.Better still, make a one sheet copy of both sides of ALL the cards you are taking ( health insurance, credit card, medical info)- just fold it up and put inside a small waterproof pouch. Please remember to take it with youif you have to leave your back packoutside of a store or restaurant in town(some places don’t allow you to take it inside). Also carry a small amount of cash..some places ( hostels, shuttles, delivery services) are remote and do not take credit cards.For instance, i’ve heard this about the John Muir trail. I have seen suggestions for about $50…yes, it’s a slight risk because , well, you never know ..but i’d rather lose 50 bucks than chance not being able to get a shuttle if i need one for an emergency!
You will need to make arrangements with your health insurance before you go. Many plans will not cover out of state injuries, urgent care, or hospitalizations. Many have restrictions as well regarding out-of -network providers.
The same applies to car insurance. You should not just “cancel” insurance on any car you wish to keep, even if in storage. Where i live there is “sidewalk” or street insurance which is just the minimum for things like theft, damage or break- ins while you are away. Also , the same can apply regarding getting a new policy when you return- it can be more expensive.
If you are leaving a home you will be returning to, make arrangements for someone you trust to check on your place regularly for any evidence of burglary, vandalism or damage from burst pipes etc. The thing is, many post their adventures on public formats without really considering that can alert potential criminal activity if anyone locally knows where the empty home is. More than one has posted returning to a home that was used for drug activity unbeknownst to the home owner. Always, always, always think ahead about what you post online- there are bad people in the world.
If you get a satellite SOS with Garmin- do yourself a favor and get the insurance(s). Injuries happen and most health insurance will NOT cover the costs of a search and rescue. Helicopter rides and emergency care en route is usually out of pocket and often triple what you would pay for a trip via ambulance in your local area. Garmin insurance will cover this as long as you don’t let your policy lapse( so put it on auto renew just to make sure- it’s easy to forget!)
Pets are not allowed in some areas on trail- you will have to board them and pay for such if you take one. Research all areas ahead of time regarding this.I am not a fan of taking pets along because i feel like there are way too many risks, but that’s just my opinion and many people do travel everywhere with their fur babies.
Start stretching out your ankles months in advance. This is often an area people forget about in usual exercise routines. On trail- rocks , roots, debris from storms, and stream crossings can be hike-enders from sprains and/or bad falls. Weak ,stiff ankles are the main culprits.
Bears are great climbers like to stay up in the trees at night, especially the babies( meaning an anxious mom nearby) and especially in the Smokies. Maybe you know this, but i didn’t. That’s pretty scary. Also – quick note..bear canisters are required in some areas, and you can’t even use an Ursak. There are fines if you get caught without one.
a wind shield for your burner stove is something they don’t seem to show in a lot of videos..not sure why but finally one dude did mention it as an item and because i have had issues lighting my stove outside when it’s windy myself, i was like grateful to learn this. I previously didn’t even know they made ’em.However, it does add a few ounces of extra weight and i think this is a main reason some do not carry them.I removed a few panels of mine for that reason.
Maybe you aren’t really sure about committing to a thru hike just yet, and i completely get it. I’m still not 100% sure..but in the meantime, i do know i love to hike, and i plan on continuing to day hike regardless of what i decide.
So, what’s the difference when planning for a day hike vs. a long multi day trail? A lot! I have already covered the general gear ( to the best of my knowledge and research) that i would include for a thru hike. So , i’ll focus on my short trips ( of which i do absolutely have knowledge).
Day hiking can be simply a fun 4-15 mile hike in a local park or perhaps just a few hours away. I try to shoot for less than a 45 minute drive to any trail for day hiking but i have driven over 2 hrs one way(and it was so worth it!). My daypack items are slightly different and the weight is a lot less, so if i want to take a few extra things, i can. My total pack weight is always 7 lbs or less on a day hike..This enables me to go faster in the boring parts, do more technical trails, and feel a lot less sore afterwards.
Basically, i will automatically eliminate my tent, and sleep system. They are the bulkiest and weigh the most in total. However, i DO take a cheap emergency reflector blanket, and a disposable rain poncho( it can be a make shift tent and/or add a layer of protection/warmth) because you never know..
2. If i am taking food, usually it is just snack foods like crackers, pop tarts, or trail mix..so i can also eliminate my cook system ( another weight and space savings) . But if i will be gone most of the day and want to plan for a stop to make something warm , like a prepackaged meal, oatmeal or coffee, i would still take the kit (very rarely).
3. Water ..i always take a little more than i think i’ll need (generally, 2 large smart water bottles at 750 ml each ). It really depends on how long i will be out, and if i will need to use some for cooking or washing my hands or utensils. I also carry my sawyer mini water filter and back flush syringe.
4. DEF take your first aid items. My basic kit is simple- a few alcohol wipes, hand sanitizer, triple antibiotic, one or two band aids, a safety pin, tweezers, sunscreen stick , some OTC meds( Benadryl, Antidiarrheals, Ibuprofen), and a few days supply of my prescription meds. I carry 2-3 bandanas- one for a “pee rag”, one for sweat, and one for an emergency bandage for any large cuts or scrapes.A small amount of TP, and a small pair of scissors OR a knife OR a swiss army /multi purpose tool ( not all three).Lip balm.I pretty much just keep these items in my pack at all times- so it’s not like i have to think them through each time i leave.
5. an over- the head bug net and a floppy hat.Soon i will invest in pull over bug netting that will also protect my arms in really buggy places.
6. My Garmin Inreach mini (although i don’t usually turn it on for short hikes, but do like to test it out occasionally). Better safe than sorry- Yes, you can send a link to friends and family that you choose when you create your account that lets them know your location and one of 3 short preset messages that you create- such as “i’m Ok, just checking in” , “Done with my hike” , or “Need help”, etc. You can choose to have it sent via text or email or via The Earthmate app that it uses from your cell phone-which also can let them track you online, but i haven’t figured all that out yet.
7. Ball cap and sunglasses. If you wear/need glasses normally, take an extra pair. i now also take a buff or two along because they are awesome for so many things!!
8. Regular rain gear ( in addition to the emergency poncho) if there’s even a slight chance for rain in the forecast. Plus one extra layer clothing for warmth if it’s even slightly chilly- because it will be cooler in the woods and if i take longer than i plan, it will cool off as evening approaches. Something orange to wear ( whether it’s hunting season or not).
9. several ziplock baggies- one for collecting stuff, and one for ( cough) just in case you have to go #2 – i once just brought my handkerchiefs and had no where to put it after- lesson learned. Same would apply to TP because you should always at least TRY to use Leave no Trace principles and pack out your trash.Third one for any trash you bring like snack packaging.
10. my ID and house/car keys
11. Cell phone , one battery pack and charger cord. Even if i am not using a trail app, i am always taking pics and videos.I download all maps before i leave.
That’s about it. It varies from person to person, climate to climate, and of course length of time. If i want to take any extra items, it’s usually a sketch book and a few pencils, etc. Some people take some fresh fruit along- my daughter even took an avocado on one of our day hikes. But to be honest, i really don’t like fruit( i know, i know- i’m just weird. I also hate bacon..), plus it weighs more than i would like (lol). I would most likely take some jerky as a treat instead.Some take binoculars, or their journal or maybe some take their butterfly net…i don’t know…lol
Please feel free to add or give any advice below or comment with questions. i am always learning:)
Problem solving will be an ongoing process. Here, i describe some of the issues i have/had so far with the big three and how i resolved them or am working on resolving. In some cases there were various less expensive, smaller items i bought to go in tandem with the big three. I’ve included the pros and cons of those items and whether or not I foresee using them on trail. In other cases, i have found a work around or am considering replacing an item.
Let’s start with the backpack. Now, to be fair, the general recommendation is to buy this last so you know how much room you need for all the other gear. But i was impatient to start hiking regularly with a pack for many reasons, so i got this first. I had to walk many miles with it- around 150 or so- to learn how to adjust the various straps according to weight and volume. I finally found a sweet spot..as long as i was walking without a warm jacket or rain gear, that is.Once cooler temperatures and rainy season came around i miserably realized the straps were not long enough or adjustable enough to accommodate the extra layers. One solution i’ve mulled over is finding a much less bulky puffy coat or using just enough properly wicking layers to provide the protection and warmth i need, maybe a fleece and wind jacket over my base layer. I also found that the bottom straps on the pack where i wanted to attach my tent did not adequately hold the tent(inside the stuff sack) and would slip out easily as i walked. I researched various solutions and finally decided ( so far at least) that my tent will have to go inside at the very top of the pack. It doesn’t need protection from getting wet so it needn’t be inside the pack liner.( i chose a Nylofume liner but am considering a compactor bag for better durability).The issue with this though is that the tent takes up room in the large compartment space that i need for food. Some parts of the AT require the use of a bear canister and it is fairly bulky.I could switch out the strap style or get a different stuff sack OR just strap the bear canister to the top of the pack-so those are possible solutions. In addition to the basic pack, i was using a fanny pack to keep stuff i needed often. However, the zippers kept getting stuck/failing and the fanny pack itself was not water proof. It was a hassle to put it on in addition to my back pack, and the buckle closure would bore into my skin. I decided to order several pocket attachments- 2 for my shoulder straps( a water bottle holder because the side pockets on the pack are too far back to reach easily) and cell phone holder plus 2 for my hip belt in which i keep snacks, a few first aid items, ear buds, car keys, etc. They work great and can be attached to any future backpacks should i decide to go with another brand.
Next, my tent. i do love that it is double walled because that helps a lot with ventilation and condensation. The outside part is like a fly or tarp and zippers onto a separate netted inner part, with a bath tub style floor( to help prevent leaks from underneath into the main area). The netted part can also be used alone when you want to keep the bugs out , it is hot, and/or you wanna sleep barrier-free under the stars. The only issue i have with it so far is that while the idea of using trekking poles to set up seems like a no brainer (multi use items are coveted for saving space and weight) I found that i just don’t use the trek poles as much as i thought i would( that could change and i did keep them in a box at home) . The collapsible tent poles that can be purchased separately are much lighter and take up less space. I have yet to actually sleep outdoors in the tent so i am sure there will be a lot more to learn.For sure i will have to practice using the ‘guy-out’ lines- i have not yet tried them.
My sleep system – so much to say here. I definitely knew i wanted the lightest weight easiest to pack style. My back cannot handle hammocks and i didn’t want to have to constantly be looking for 2 trees that worked for one. I never did like my traditional mummy style sleeping bags, and the logic surrounding buying a sleep quilt is that you aren’t crushing down a bottom half while you sleep making the warmth factor ineffective( so why carry the extra weight?). I decided on a custom made sleep quilt. I perused several companies and when i narrowed it down, i found a one that was mid range in price and i got the colors i wanted and style that seemed right for me. Unfortunately now, i realize it was silly to order the “long” length as i am only 5’2″ ( forehead slap). I also do not care for the loose outer material , i should have gotten a more stitched version. I chose synthetic fill as i tend to be mildly allergic to down. The sleep quilt is designed to be used with an air mattress.Mine is also unhooded but i wanted the hoodless option so it wouldn’t get in the way of a pillow if i wanted to add one. I also had to spend time learning to use the straps properly – there were videos. I had also purchased a flex tail air pump. I found, though, that i can easily blow up a the pad with just my mouth and save almost 6 oz of weight plus not have to charge one- so, in the “not using” pile it went. I ordered a top of the line sleep pad- mummy shaped . Two problems cropped up. I hate the mummy style and cannot sleep well on it because i feel like i am falling off of it. Also, again, it’s too long. I must have been channeling my inner tall person when i ordered! So, i need to get a wider rectangular shape, in a shorter length.However, i have also found my back actually feels much better upon waking when i use a simple foam sleep pad . It would save weight if i can find one that provides enough warmth. Also, being non inflatable , there would be no risk of tears or leaks. Initially, i also bought a sleep sack liner as well, which i may use in hot weather to save weight and space( and not a sleep quilt), but would not carry or use with cooler temps( using the sleep quilt instead). I have also been testing inflatable pillows because rolling up my puffy coat isn’t comfy and i might need to wear it while sleeping if it’s extra chilly. The 2 pillows i have started testing are inflatables by Sea to Summit. I like one of them for between my knees, but the other style is not comfortable under my head or between my knees. Fortunately i got them from an online shop called Gearswap that sells slightly used gear at discount prices. i will have to keep searching. .
That’s about it so far.
Next post I will move on to other small required items and accessories.
I have talked extensively about planning.. but “unplanning” is something worth discussing as well
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore”- Andre Gide
I discovered years ago that a true pirate is not literally just the sailor who boards a ship for the open sea but rather the average person who sees life as an everyday adventure. Just like on the ocean itself , some days the waves are high and torrential, other days the water is calm and magical. As for me (and I say this figuratively), I have lost sight of the shore dozens of times, and as a result discovered the joys of the ocean and many new lands. I have re invented my life more times than Madonna.
I have been afraid. I have been careless. And I have drowned my sorrows and dulled my senses with vices to cope. I have wallowed in my mistakes and I have screamed to the sky and demanding to be heard. Adventure is NOT for the faint hearted. But I have also been surprised, elated, appreciative, and in awe . I have praised the heavens for rewards unearned and unplanned wonders bestowed upon me. I have witnessed miracles.
Although it is super important to know where the shore is and how to get back to it, venturing forth unto new horizons is equally as important. And while I would never suggest complete “recklessness” ( believe me, you do not want that!) I do encourage bravery, getting outside your comfort zone and taking calculated risks.
I encourage you to think and ask questions, to take on challenges, to enter each day with a renewed sense of adventure.
When was the last time you really DID anything uncomfortable or downright scary? And when do you plan to do it again? Not repeating a mistake, but pursuing something new that you feel a bit scared about?
So often I see friends and family choosing to sleep theirway through their life at some point, unwilling to change or try new things. They believe they are too old, too unhealthy or that there are too many bills to pay,etc. The extent of their spontaneity is using a different nail polish color,sleeping in on a weekend or paying a bill 2 days late. Occasionally, they may try a new product at the store or read a different genre of book, maybe even take a short walk….yawn. Although they can talk endlessly about wanting change, life is passing them by and the hourglass will someday run out.
No matter what your age or situation, every day can be an adventure in its own right. Fear should not have such a hold on you that you are unable to pursue the happiness you deserve.
Find your ship, hoist your sails, and head for the horizon! Namaste!
..feels like the very first time…”..that song played in my head tonight as I ventured forth into another rendition of conquering my fears. Thank you, Foreigner, for a great song, but in truth, I am sure it in no way relates to the events of my evening.
Let me begin by saying, this is mostly for the ladies. Men, it will probably either right over your head or bore you to tears, so just an FYI.
I woke up at my usual time of 4pm ( I’m a night shifter). My daughter stopped by to pick up some stuff and by the time she left it was too dark to head out for a walk. I knew I had a list of items I needed to get and intended to head to the familiar spots to get them ( drugstore, dollar store, grocery ) . I started driving and it hit me. I haven’t challenged myself in the fear department for a week or 2. Why not tonight? I decided…( cue frightening prelude tones) to go to Ulta.
Now, if you have no Ulta wherever you are from let me start by describing it in my own words. This is a place mainly for females to purchase care products and make up- a “beauty retailer”. That’s the simple definition. The stores is huge and the largest U.S. retailer of such according to the internet . There are no words to describe , however, how totally overwhelming it is for someone like myself. What you need to know about me is that I am basically low maintenance by nature .Unless I am going somewhere special, I prefer wash & dry hair( usually braided), very little or no make-up, and comfortable clothes. In 52 years of my life, other than one brief venture into trying out Mary Kay (only because a neighbor sold it) I have always just used whatever I could find on the rack in the grocery store make up section- a total of 5 cheap-as-hell items( foundation, lipstick, eye liner, mascara and powder).Most of the time I wound up feeling like I was wearing a harlequin mask.And I have NEVER had a professional consult. Any minute success I have had has been pure chance.
A few months ago,I was in this store for the very first time with my roommate. It was squeezed in one night among other usual errands and I decided to go in with her. In brief, my reaction was- OH MY GOD!
Instant fear, trepidation and a sense of suddenly being lost in the Amazon Jungle. I could barely move my feet . I touched NOTHING. In fact, I mostly just gawked in wonder at the enormous amounts, brands, selections and shelves of things I never knew existed. My first (and lingering )thought was.. “Wow- no wonder I have looked ugly for so long. No wonder other women look so good!”
We left in less than 10 minutes but I vowed that someday , somehow I would conquer my fear and learn the ropes of apparent femininity.
Tonight was my night. I drove there, walked in and felt immediately as lost as a liberal at a Trump convention- Completely baffled and out of my element. I looked around and grabbed what seemed to be a store ”shopping tote”, fumbling with it like a child with a complicated toy. It was so’ waif-like. I usually carry a tactical backpack or large canvas tote) that I had no idea how to even carry it. It kept slipping off my shoulder. A few seconds later, swallowing hard and almost blacking out from panic, i scurried past a some endlessly long shelves of virtually every serum, moisturizer, foundation and beauty product known the the world at large. I quickly navigated to the least populated area I could find and said to myself “Here. I will start here.” I had no idea what i was looking at.
I read the info ( as best I could with my aging eye sight) as i tried to set the stupid bag down 3 times on a stool. It fell off every time, requiring me to repeatedly look like an idiot, then timidly selected a ‘concealer’ stick positioned by a’ foundation’ for ‘undertones’. The sign said ‘apply 3 shades in your category- warm , cool , or neutral.’
Whaaaat? Hmmm.. ok.. smudged 3 shades on.. yikes- I looked like an Oompa Loompa.. ok…tried the foundation ..oh my GAWD.. the shades don’t match. I quickly used one of the provided tissues to wipe off what I could and stood staring at the rack like a deer in headlights.
Well, my obvious stupidity must’ve attracted the attention of one of the sales girls because she came and asked if I needed help( looking at me like I was a misplaced clearance item). I was almost in tears and said “YES…PLEASE!( a little too loudly). Now, mind you ,she appeared to be around age 22 with a face that said “i use my make up like a boss”. She set about attempting to explain what each product was and asked why I chose that brand. Embarrassed I admitted it was due to it being the furthest away from anyone else in the store and the front door…and that I was trying to be covert.
15 Q-tips later and multiple face wipes, she chose 2 products that ‘matched my undertones’ .Then on to powder.. another trial of wiping and applying. Next. she says- “would you be needing a primer or setting spray?” Wait a minute.. Whaaat? She has to explain what these things do. I opted out (for now) feeling very naive and undereducated. Maybe sometime in the future.
Unfortunately my trial was not over as I needed a curling iron. And , instead of the usual selection of only 3-4 I was directed to 4 WHOLE AISLES. Cripes. It’s a damn CURLING IRON, not an engagement ring! Found the cheapest one that looked like it had the least complicated directions and headed for the cash register.
But wait. There’s more.
The sparkly eyeshadowed cashier had to explain the “loyalty” card thing so I had to spend another sweaty, panicky , red faced 5 minutes giving information while several other customers stood decidedly a few feet back to avoid accidently bumping up against my moist and somewhat disheveled body. I just wanted out of there. I bee lined to my car and headed to the( familiar) drug store. One more item, though. Facial wax. Because apparently my “facial hair ” was ” interfering with the make up contouring” . Yay. As if my anxiety wasn’t bad enough tonight.
I must report now that tonight after 2 decades I have finally ‘enjoyed’ the delightful process of waxing my face. I am facially hairless and smooth other than my eyebrows which almost did not escape the annihilation .I have begun my adventure into recovering my femaleness.
Ladies, how do you all do it? I feel as if I just went through boot camp. Even though I DID survive and am fairly happy with my purchases, I dread another round of “ Refinding my Feminine Side” . It felt like the very first time I walked into the drug store as an insecure teen to experiment with “blush” . It may sound strange but it has been years since I did much more than the simplest of beauty routines. Slap some cheap make up on( if I MUST) and out the door. Some weeks I barely feel motivated to clip my toenails.
Ahh, well…things change. I have made up my mind to live my very best life. I know that part of that is to feel good about myself inside and OUT. So, once again I journey down the road of ‘recovery’.
And who knows? Maybe there IS a starlet left in there somewhere!
Wake up! 