My BF and i after a day spent outdoors- painting and enjoying music at home
So after 8 weeks of recording everything from food intake to supplements to exercise to sleep hours, its come down to this:
Sleep is the biggest factor.
I normally only get between 2-4 hours of broken sleep per day. On my nights off, when i get to sleep during the night hours, i sleep like a baby for 8-10 hours. The next day i feel great- energetic, focused and NOT depressed or anxious. Since i cannot switch to dayshift for various reasons ( one being the huge hassle and length of time it takes to do so) i take full advantage of the few nights off i do get.
I have been off & on sleep medications for decades, sometimes going a2 years or more without them and trying all manner of other things. I have written before about some of them- sleeping on the floor, reducing or eliminating caffeine, black out curtains, white noise, routine before bedtime- all the usual ( and unusual stuff like binaural tones meditation) and while that stuff helps a little it never resolves the problem for very long.
So, i have finally made an appointment with my doctor to specifically ask if i can have a sleep study done.
Some of the other things though that i do notice have helped ( fractionally) are eating some something small before bed and eating sooner when i wake. Additionally changing my diet- eating salmon 2-3 times a week, 2-3 salads a week, a piece of fruit everyday, a serving of yogurt daily, and recently – a protein shake each day. Getting to the gym consistently and spending as much time outdoors as i can manage -whether i am walking or painting of some other activity helps with stress so also helps with sleep.
The St.Johns Wort , D3 vitamin and the 5 HTP supplement( adding it in slowly) seems to help a little also.
I continue to hope for more consistency during my work days as i go and pray that the doctor has some more answers for me. Fingers crossed..
Depression can feel like a huge wave , or as if you are drowning
Major depression- everyday, most of the day. Does not depend on life situations or environment. Can last more than one year. This is what I have. I wake with a gut punch feeling in the morning which I have to fight all day. It is severe. It can be a one-time thing or recurring out of nowhere at various times in one’s life.
Persistant depression- lasts over 2 years, not as severe but can interfere with daily life. It can wax and wane and can last for years creating a feeling that this is just “normal”. I have not yet hit this mark so my fingers are crossed
Manic depression ( now called bipolar disorder). This is a type where a person is dramatically happy for about a week, then suddenly plunges into the opposite. The manic stage can be fatal or lead to devastating changes or circumstances. Sometimes hospitalization is required. The opposite stage is similar to major depression. I have many friends with this disorder and it isn’t pretty. Many are on heavy medications and also self medicate which leads to drastic consequences.
Depressive psychosis- Can go hand in hand with major depression. Symptoms include hallucinations and delusions. It may also include physical symptoms according to the above article
Perinatal depression- also called “baby Blues”, this occurs during and/or after pregnancy and is related to hormonal changes
PMDD- this is a severe form of PMS which can include physical and psychological and occurs around the woman’s monthly cycle. This can also occur even more severely with menopause. Also related to hormonal changes.
Seasonal Depression ( S.A.D.) Usually begins in the Fall and continues through Winter as the days get darker and shorter. It is a body response to lack of natural light. Usually lessons during spring and summer seasons.
Situational depression- Occurs in conjunction with a traumatic life event or chronic stress related to environment such as divorce , death of a loved one, financial ruin, or serious illness and occurs within 3 months of the event. If the factors creating the depression are removed or the situation changes(even if over time), the affected person can usually recover and regain normalcy.
Atypical depression- not rare or uncommon just difficult to predict or diagnosis with any consistency.
All of these can occur with the other forms of depression so can be difficult to treat and there are also subtypes.
Online you will find such suggestions to improve symptoms as :
1.Exercise regularly
2.Eat healthier
3.Ask your doctor about medications ( usually SSRI’s are prescribed)
4.Therapy ( various types)
5.Increased social interaction
6.Meditation and yoga practice
7.Reduce or quit alcohol, nicotine, and/or caffeine intake
8.Get regular hours of sleep ( ideally 6-8 per day)
All of these suggestions are , in fact , good ones but they may not be viable or helpful to everyone. Personally, I do better with more exercise and getting outdoors, but it has been impossible to regulate my sleep so that is a moot point for me. I cannot take the usual prescribed medications due to severe reactions. The pandemic has reduced social activities. I could go on, but suffice it to say I have had to reach outside of the normal suggestions to survive. Mind you, I have not yet conquered the problem, but have found ways to get through each day, even if it’s by the skin of my teeth.
So I offer those to you here.
1.St. Johns Wort- although I was skeptical about this supplement it does seems to be helping after a few weeks of tweaking my dose and being consistent with use. Always ask your doctor before taking as it has several interactions with other medications.
2.Opening up as many curtains as possible in your home each day to allow in natural light.
3.Crystal therapy- many stones and gems have therapeutic properties. This does not work for everyone, it is mainly a belief in the idea to begin with. I figured it couldn’t hurt so I have purchased various stones to place around my home- in window sills etc. as well as in my personal medicine pouch.
4.Sage and cedar ritual- this entails purifying the negative energies within the body as well as environment. There is much info online about this- more than I can get into here. I usually sage my home twice per week and do a personal sage cleansing along with it. I recently purchased an abalone shell which is the traditional item to use for burning. Turtle shells can also be used.
5.Walking or sitting in nature- it important to calm ones spirit on a regular basis by feeling connected to Mother Earth and Father Sky. You may or may not meditate but try to be mindful of the sounds, smells and vibrations around you
6.Vitamin D3 and B12 have helped me as long as I take a quality brand and stick to it.
7.Medicinal teas such as chamomile, lavender and various mints. Try not to just drink them in a hurry or as a matter of a quick boost. Take some time to prepare the tea traditionally if possible. Sit and sip leisurely and contemplatively. Relax as much as possible for the moments you are enjoying the tea. I like to add a splash of honey and creamer to mine as well.
8.Interacting with pets or animals always seems to lift my spirits . If I cannot make physical contact, I watch nature shows or short YouTube clips of funny or cute baby animals. The antics and laughter helps restore some balance .
9.Napping as much as possible, and making it a priority. It may not always work or be possible but even resting the body is helpful. Just be sure to set a time limit as over sleeping can increase depression
10.Probiotics – I get mine in yogurt, cabbage, pickles and sauerkraut as well as some other foods. Supplements are too harsh for me but some find them useful and more convenient .
11.Writing in any form- journaling, blogging, poetry, or a simple diary. You can also use a tape recorder as an alternative , which is easier to erase once you are done pouring out your soul.
12.Give yourself a break. Some days you just FEEL like lying in bed , watching your favorite shows. Just be sure this doesn’t come a habit . Limit it tom once per week or less.
13.That being said-keep moving, stay busy. The busier your body, the less busy your headspace. Force yourself 90% of the time. Household projects work for me, as well as getting out to the gym ,walking, working on my budget, planning my calendar, or going to a figure drawing session. Find what works for you to keep your thoughts from taking over.
14.Light scented candles around your home. Take time to watch the flame quietly and enjoy the aroma.
15.Buy something small for yourself. Indulge in one comfort food. Take a long hot bath. Treat yourself as often as you can without going overboard with spending or consuming. Free or low cost is best.
16..Look into mother natural supplements. While I don’t suggest spending a ton of money , trying a few won’t hurt. As I’ve said, some will work for some people and not for others. Again, check with your doctor before adding them to your regimen.
17. Music- different types of music affect each of us differently. Find a genre , artist or playlist that upliftsyou. It is one of my best go to solutions because it replaces the thoughts in my head with beats, sounds and happier words. Use it during bathing/showering, driving, doing chores or whenever you can.
18. Don’t rule out meditation. It can be a life saver. There are hundreds of forms including breath meditation, progressive relaxation, binaural tones, positive affirmation and guided meditation. All can be found on YouTube or in books, cds, etc. It isn’t just new age mumbo jumbo. Calming the mind and body for at least 15 minutes a day can only help.
19. If you have the means, there is evidence that Botox via the forehead helps. I Just tried this, though out of desperation and can honestly say I have felt no change.
20. Reduce processed foods such as lunchmeat, boxed pastas with included sauces, ramen soups, sugary sweets, pre sweetened fruit, etc. Add more fresh foods to you diet- slowly. Try a food log, cutting out one food per week to eliminate culprits. For instance, I have had to reduce bread consumption as it tends to bog me down-gut wise and mentally. Some people do a “cleanse”. I haven’t had any luck with that.
21.Reach out and connect with someone who will listen or at least has a positive attitude. Don’t take advantage though, as in calling every day, as you may drag tat person down too and they will soon avoid you.
22. Stretch often and take deep breaths, Drink lots of water.
Depression is a beast. It can make you dysfunctional and unmotivated. Dealing with it can seem like a full time job. Self- care is more important than even obligations, because if you can’t care for yourself, you can’t care effectively for others. You will soon crash and place that worry and burden on those who rely on you. Don’t take on more than you can deal with and learn to say no.”
I hope someone finds these suggestions helpful and please feel free to comment, add to, or ask questions
Over the last year i have been so desperate to figure out what has been causing my depression issue that i have looked into a number of unusual suspects. In an effort here to not only inform, but perhaps, entertain or possibly horrify you, i give you the following:
Worms.
That’s right. I knew i had once heard about this in nursing school but could not remember which ones caused depression. In fact worms can cause a whole host of things , depending on the type. Now, i am no expert in the field of wormology (that’s hillbilly for helminthologist), but here is a compiled list of my findings.
C. elegans- this little baby can live in our body and can cause depression due to it’s behavior related to ultraviolet light. Ironically it has also been studied related to nicotine use as it behaves like a mammal when exposed to it. Additionally, it may affect sleep, aging, the development of Altzheimers.. and get this: they survived the space shuttle Columbia disaster of 2003 and its descendants have been launched into space for more research. You can read about it on Wikipedia and a few other online resources.
These are indeed, fascinating little fellows.
2.toxoplasma gondii- this one can pose a suicide risk! if you test positive for this one , you are 7 times more likely to attempt suicide.. imagine that. We mostly hear about this one related to cat litter as it can live in the feces.But it can also be transferred to humans via contaminated food, water or eating undercooked meats.
3. pinworms- “Pinworms lay their eggs in the anal area, causing tickling and itching, which are most bothersome at night. The lack of sleep from this type of infestation can cause crankiness or bad behavior during the day. When asleep, nightmares may be present. This problem is mostly found in very young children preschool to kindergarten because of primitive toileting skills, they tend to put their fingers in their mouths, and they participate in a lot of hands-on activities with other kids and with pets. Roundworms, hookworms, and tapeworms are other examples that can make a child display ADHD like symptoms. Worms cause hyperactive behavior, learning problems, depression, or attention deficits by making children miserable on the inside…” random online article..apologies- i forgot to save the source.
4. lamblia, hookworms, tapeworms, trichinella, and dientamoeba fragilis are other common parasites. You can read about the symptoms here or look up each one individually . They are a hypochondriac’s wet dream.
5. Just knowing or believing that ones body is infested with a parasite is probably enough to cause anxiety and depression. The resulting symptoms certainly contribute to that. In effect, at least i have learned a great deal about these worms in the process and find them fascinating. But i won’t be inviting them to live with me any time soon.
Earthworms are looking a lot cuter these days..
P.s. i decided not to include pictures. You’re welcome.
Today went to a follow up appointment /check up with my PCP. Initially, when it was scheduled i had intended to discuss some smaller issues – a mild rash that comes & goes , maybe talk about some ever present reflux issues. But after the hospital stay of course, talk about my heart was the priority.
I had hoped i would feel better afterwards. I had been discharged Thursday and i have to tell you, it’s been days of PTSD for me ever since -wondering about so many things and on pins and needles for the chance to get some answers.
Why did my potassium level( and other electrolytes) just dip suddenly? Was that the cause or the result of 5 hours of extreme, erratic arrhythmias? Will this happen again? What about this new medication? Was this a severs adverse effect from the Covid vaccine? What precautions should i be taking? Can this be fixed?Or will i have to live with this new “condition” forever?
I asked these today and many other questions. Truly, even though i was able to obtain all of my hospital records ( i was in such a fog i barely remembered much except in spurts afterwards)- i was pretty much told once again that it’s unknown as to why this happened. Since i was not dieting, taking laxatives , drinking energy drinks or excessive amounts of water ( strangely- i was asked this multiple times) there is no explanation- although stress being a possibility.. I asked about the alcoholism thing and was told that it would have only happened for that reason if i had binge drank in the 24-48 hours prior- which i definitely had not. Not for almost a month in fact. Not from smoking unless i was a very heavy smoker ( pack a day plus) which i am not. But worse than that, i was told i may not go to the gym, lift more than 20 lbs , or push /pull anymore than 50 lbs. for the unforeseeable future. My doctor insinuated that i should not even go back to work until i’ve had my follow up with the cardio specialist. In his words “If they weren’t able to find cause after 3 days and all the testing that was done, this may happen again at any time. Sustained V-tach is life threatening. You may have to be admitted again, or it could be worse the next time.”
So, basically i am a Dead Man Walking.
I begged to be able to return to work and for him to lighten restrictions . No way would my agency allow me to return if i can only lift 20 lbs. And having missed 6 days of work in February due to vaccine side effects, Covid testing , and bad weather, i simply cannot afford to be off for another 10-12 days. After a few minutes he relented, but added that i must go in to have more bloodwork taken in this morning to check my levels and that he would be adding “as per allowed by cardiologist recommendations at follow up” to my clearance form.
We talked about the new med which will hopefully keep me in sinus rhythm . We talked about other possibilities such as ablation and a defibrillator.We talked about this being a possible adverse effect of the Covid vaccine. Of course he agrees that not enough data has been collected but would not commit to a yes or no answer. Just said to discuss it with the cardiologist.
So here i am. I am not trying to be dramatic, but i don’t know how to explain it other than feeling like less of a person somehow. There is no one to talk to, except my poor roommate, who gets the brunt of my emotions. And there is this blog- which often makes me feel in hindsight like a completely unstable human lately. Now more than ever, i understand why the phrase/insinuation “just get over it” is so upsetting to those who are struggling with anxiety and/or depression. How could i not feel traumatized?This came out of nowhere. How could i not feel stressed out? Just get over it indeed.
On a positive note, i am doing ok on the nicotine patch and today, i did not drink.
It is beyond difficult to express myself right now. My situation , your situation, their situation…we are all experiencing this on various levels of perception and emotion.
For several nights now, i have had every intent to write a blog post but between the time i awaken each day (7-8p) and when i arrive at work, so many things distract and upset me, i have refrained.
Allow me, if you will, in an effort to maintain transparency, to give you some idea.
As an artist, i have interacted in a community of all walks of life for many years. It has opened up my heart, my mind, and enabled me to understand things i never would have other wise-disabilities, mental illness, racism, poverty, discrimination, religious disparity, eccentric lifestyles, sexual choices and beliefs of all kinds. At times, this has been overwhelming. But i eventually learned that we can ALL exist together in harmony and civility . I have friends and people i care about in the LGBT community, as well as various cultures and backgrounds. And most of that community , thankfully, is on that same page.There are exceptions and to avoid conflict i choose neutrality as often as possible.
As a nurse in home care, i have for decades worked in homes of all types. I have been in diverse situations with ethnicity, culture, financial status, religious practices, and most notably- political beliefs.It is not always easy to stay neutral .You spend hours each day or night on THEIR turf.But the first thing we are taught is “First, Do no Harm”..and i push myself to put down my own baggage each night as i enter someones home and pick up theirs, doing the reverse on the way out.
As a family member, i am one of only a handful that are not a “Trump Supporters”. It is extremely difficult to navigate family get togethers, or online discussions without feeling like i cannot say anything in my own defense without causing upset. I avoid saying anything much because i even though i am upset by most of what i hear , see, and read, when i do stand up for my beliefs , i walk away feeling misunderstood and worthless.I try to stand up for people i care about and it is hard to ‘suck it up’ every day .
On social media, i have about a half and half mixture of religious and political opposites. I have to walk a fine line , even when i want to just explode. Usually, if i say anything, i wind up deleting it out of guilt. I always try my best to understand and accept both sides, all sides of almost every issue.
With this current crisis, things have just escalated in every aspect to the point that i almost cannot bring myself to do much more than sleep, eat and work as much as possible- avoiding everyone.I cannot find motivation to be creative, exercise or work on improving myself. It has become not so much a physical isolation as it has an emotional one, not trusting myself to voice an opinion, lest i offend or hurt others. My roommate is my only contact on the daily and usually gets the brunt of my feelings privately. She has been a rock, and my port in the storm.
So, i will say only this instead. Be as kind as you can manage. It costs you nothing to show respect. Choose to show courtesy or say nothing when you have nothing nice to say. Cohesiveness wins over division. Set an example of compassion . And remember, it is better to be kind than to be “right”.
Woke up today with the dread of knowing I had agreed to call my current agency to talk about my upcoming transition to another agency. I had been putting it off for a week after I found out they had been notified by the new agency. Ugh.
I really had so much to say about the situation, but haven’t been in the mood for confrontation.
Taking a deep breath, fortified myself with a rather large cup of java…and dialed.
After 6 years of loyalty it is only when they are threatened with my leaving do they decide to offer me something better. I was offered $3 more per hour and cases closer to home. Now WHY wasn’t that offered to me these past 6 years? Sorry, too little too late.
Anyway, next I head up to take a bath. I haven’t eaten yet so I step on the scale.Ugh..i have somehow managed to gain 2more pounds despite walking daily and practically starving. I then gear up and drive to the local park for my walk. I am excited to use my new app( which isn’t really new since I apparently used it when I ran 5k’s a few years ago). It’s called MapMyWalk and unlike the silly wrist band I bought and returned, it isn’t a pedometer which only measures movement and isn’t very accurate. This uses actual GPS to track distance . I walk and at the end I look and see THIS:
whaaaat??? no calories burned??
Ok.. zero calories for over 5 miles? Even with elevations of over 400 ft? Not possible…I have 11.91 miles under my belt for 3 days. So it’s not calculating those and I have to figure out why. Grr…I drive home, getting pissier by the minute and hungrier by the second
I walk in and find a few slices of lunchmeat and a slice of swiss cheese( under 120 calories..). Then..
I look thru my Ipad for my favorite yoga channel and sit to begin my nightly practice. I am sore, still hungry, the house is cold and I am desperately trying to find my Zen. Two attempts and finally find one I like- then my nose starts to bleed.
At this point I have decided to hold myself a proper pity party. I take 2 aspirin , pull on a sweat shirt & slippers and determine to just sulk for a bit. I am going to go do some lying down meditation on my heat pad and then find some actual decent tasting food . I am thoroughly sick of salads.
I believe this year simply MUST be about something better.
After all, if I am not enjoying it, why am I doing it?
As I grind my way into month 5 of this project, I am starting to realize that I am having mixed feelings about a few things, and just the other day THIS was the entry in my private journal….(sadly):
“seriously…i am all alone, i have no fun, i can’t even have a cigarette. Next plan is to diet and lose weight so.. then i’ll have NOTHING. Not even comfort food… Grrr.. and you know what all this is buying me? A chance.
Not smoking, not drinking, exercise & diet isn’t the reward. It’s the precursor . It offers you the best CHANCE to make something better. That’s IT. So even if i am sober, and a non-smoker and i diet down to my ideal weight and stick with a good exercise routine – all of it just leads to a “healthier” me. So, what will i be then? A lonely, deprived, healthy person. I’m feeling bitter, because as much as i know i am doing the right thing, i just realized tonight it’s only the beginning. After this i am gonna have to work even harder to make something of it. I don’t even know what at this point.
And i am wondering if this is the reason many people relapse. Because this is the point that you realize you are not suddenly going to get rich, become famous, land some coveted position or win a marathon. Mr. right isn’t going to find you, you won’t be vacationing in some exotic location several times a year and you won’t live in a mansion. You are simply going to be the same person, doing the same things, making the same amount of money for ever & ever- except NOW , you won’t be having any fun doing it or be able to rely on any vices for a “break”. What is the point? Being sober and smoke free isn’t some magical formula for success.”
Talk about hitting a LOW point. This lasted for the whole 2 nights I was off. At almost 11 months into sobriety and 2 weeks into not smoking!! Where does this come from and how do i get through it????Just wondering- has anyone else hit this point during recovery or quitting smoking? If so, what did you do about it?
Part of me wishes I hadn’t even tried to reach out. It was against my better judgement. Even as I handed out that first olive branch, I hesitated to let go of it. It had been a long difficult ride for me of internal processing, forgiving and letting go in order to start fresh with hope. I almost didn’t, opting to let things be as they were. But I forged ahead anyway, in faith, trusting that goodness, and a genuine heart would prevail this time. I should have listened to my instincts.
As i sit bewildered by the sudden turn of events, i am reminded of the promise to myself i made one year ago. The promise to learn to love and value myself again and commit to personal boundaries.While it has made me stronger and more productive, in this instance, it left me vulnerable and that vulnerability took a chunk out of my hopefulness today.
Recovery is a touch and go. You very much want to be genuine, honest, and trusting again. To be a’normal’ person. At first, you build a wall that isolates you from hurt and pain- then , if you are sincere, at some point you tear the wall down and reach out. But this step can be devastating at times, especially when your love and sincerity are not enough. You do not always get forgiveness. And that is heartbreaking.
I am here today, alive & strong in spite of it , releasing todays feelings to the world.Because i want anyone reading this to know that you must do it( life and recovery) for yourself and no one else. No matter how much you change or how much energy you expend ,others will constantly disappoint you. They are not on your path.And they have no obligation to forgive you , see your progress , accept you, or love you -now or ever. Even with moral support, it is a solo journey, and can be very lonely at times. But keep going. Stay strong, and never, ever, ever give up.
Wake up! 