As i sat at work tonight , letting yet another shift go by that i have not practiced my art (and there have been quite a few recently), the guilty conscience that inhabits my body without paying rent started to get on my case.
“Why am i barely putting in the effort to practice my art ? I have to force myself. I even bought prompt cards. I keep trying but i just can’t. What is WRONG with me? This just isn’t like me…I love to do art..blah blah… blah…”
After a few hours of this nonsense, i started realizing that, hey- there’s been a whole lot of things i have been TRYING to do lately:
I’ve been TRYING not to eat ice cream or chocolate
I’ve been TRYING to do a little art here and there
I’ve been TRYING to keep up with my bills
I’ve been TRYING to get over a broken heart
I’ve been TRYING to lose some of this belly fat
I have been TRYING to just feel normal.
TRYING, trying, trying….the list is endless.
Now of course i wonder, where is my Yoda? I can never remember that exact quote.
But all of that being said, the bottom line is i am DOING so many other things, that i have to accept facts- i am human. Bummer.
So here is what i have been doing:
I have been actively working on and seeking out help with my nutrition.In spite of losing 6 lbs. I initially in one week when i set my calories to 1500 and cut out breads , pasta, rice and potatoes , the weeks afterwards- i lost nothing. What did happen is that i lost energy and have not been seeing progression in muscle growth. Hence, my daily ‘food activities’ consume a great deal of my time.
I have had an InBody scan and I have set an appointment with a nutrition counselor who is certified in menopausal issues.
I have been getting to the gym 4-5 days per week, one with a coach.This takes at least 1-2 hours per work out.
I have just this week added walking into my schedule. The goal is 4-5 times per week in addition to the weightlifting.
I did just pay off 2 huge credit cards and eliminated a few unnecessary expenses.I still am dealing with medical bills but i have paid a significant amount towards them this past year.
I have gotten my electrical and HVAC work done and paid for- finally- as well as a refrigerator repair. These had been stressing me out for quite a long time.
I have been spending almost all of my free time( after all appointments, gym time, and food activities) rehabbing my shoulder injury while watching enlightening youtube videos . I do this for about 2 hours each night and consider this my “downtime” before work.
I have been spending time in decent meditation ( not simply laying there or falling asleep) 3-4 times a week.
This list is also endless! No wonder i have had “artists block”!!
My point? Life is a series of checks and balances. It is nearly impossible to go 100% at everything all the time. I need to remember this and remind myself more often that everything has a season, and it is ok to re-focus at times. In fact, it is the healthy thing to do. My focus has shifted to physical and financial matters for the past 8-12 months. I have accomplished much and i am grateful.
Oh- here it is…”Do or do not. There is no try.” Thanks Yoda!
I was asked what a ‘shred’ looks like. The above shows my before pic( purple dress) in 1997 when i was actually modeling but had a curvier figure, then 2 progress pics as i “bulked up” and finally the day of the contest. I did this shred after only 9 months of training though because it was my first time and i was impatient..lol.I consider this a mini shred.The contest was only a local bikini one. Figured i’d start small:)
I have other pics ,of further progress over the next 10-15 years- just have to find them.They are on an old hard drive.
But for anyone interested , let me explain the process.
Typically a full shred is after about 1 1/2- 2 years of building muscle ( also called “bulking”) . During the bulking phase you start out with the compound exercises and are lifting progressively heavier , focusing on hypertrophy/mass. After a certain point ( maybe 3-6 months depending on your body’s response time) you begin to sculpt as well, meaning that you add more specific exercises to balance, define, striate, and add vascularity.The basic compound exercises include squats, dead lifts, lunges, chin ups, benches, rows, and dips.Almost all other exercises are more specific to draw out the smaller muscles of the body.During this phase your exercises will be heavy weight/ lower rep workouts.
During the bulking phase you will eat a very high calorie/ high protein diet with less carbs overall. Most pro builders have a very boring, day to day diet which includes salmon/chicken/ beef/eggs with rice , sweet potatoes, and low glycemic index vegetables ( in moderation). the suggested protien is 1-2 grams per pound of body weight.Healthy fats are added in with flax or other oils. Supplements are used as needed or desired – usually in the form of protein shakes, bars , etc. which will be high calorie /high protein. This is a “clean” bulk. During my bulk i used MetRX shakes with milk, Creatine, and DHEA. A dirty bulk will include more junk foods like processed stuff, fatty foods , and sweets. It is possible to do either one and still shred down( i am still dirty bulking some days)- but a clean diet will naturally make you feel better , and cause less damage to your body. It will also take less time to lose the fat when you shred.You will do almost no cardio during this phase unless you are looking to stay lean year round – and that is not what a typical builder type lifter does.I did cardio once a week for 30 minutes during this phase.
During the shred ( also called dieting down) you will switch over to almost all protein, lower calories and almost no fats. No sugar, no added salt. Your proteins will come mostly from lean fish and lean chicken. Your carbs are very rationed- usually lots of spinache and asparagus- no rice, potatoes, pasta or bread.. Absolutely no alcohol and black coffee only. You will drink 1 gallon or more of water per day and your supplements will change from high calorie to low calorie .During this phase i stopped using creatine, used water in my shakes instead of milk and continued with the DHEA. You will also increase you cardio, and go with higher reps/lower weights in your workouts. I was doing 20 -30 minutes before and after each lifting workout at this time ( about 8 weeks out).No cheating.Pure commitment.
I had a trainer, and i highly recommend one for anyone considering this lifestyle.At the very least have one during your shred phase or contest prep.I had one for 9 months /5 days a week . However, back in those days, there was no internet like we have today. What we had was but a skeleton of todays choices. My trainer was there in the gym with me everyday, one on one. Now you can hire online coaches. All are expensive, but the right ones are worth it when the time comes. Without one, you will make mistakes, suffer more injuries and get less results.Though i have a lot of experience I will be getting one in about 1 1/2 years myself. Even professionals have coaches and trainers.
This is a very basic watered down version of what i did , and what to do in general. It isn’t for the weak. You will be sore, gassy, nauseous, and exhausted- A LOT. Sleep and hydration will be your only friends.
My personal suggestion is to try this out for one year and do a mini shred like i did. It opened my eyes to just how tough the lifestyle is. After doing the above contest, i decided to stick to maintaining my results and getting somewhat back to normal eating and exercising for awhile. I decided i could not maintain the lifestyle indefinitely . I did continue to focus on growth, and healthier eating but in a much more moderate way. I did not use a trainer after that point, as the one i had was prepping for his own contest and unable to train others.
I hope this helps and please feel free to ask any questions. There is a lot more info online these days , but that being said, there are is a lot more contradiction among pros and trainers.It is best to use discernment and do a good amount of research before starting any exercise program or diet, as well as talking your doctor.
While browsing through one of my favorite youtube subscription channels for bodybuilding, I recently stumbled upon a musician who writes music geared toward accomplishing goals. At least, that is the best way i can describe it. It is motivational, empowering and inspiring . The artist and his wife are also bodybuilders. The music itself is a combination of heavy metal hip hop-perfect for working out . It’s an obvious win-win for me.
One of my favorite lyrics in a song he wrote is “We all got the same hours in a day. We all got the same time to commit”. This, along with many others, hit me square in the face.In fact, i find myself saying many of his phrases like mantras as i go about my day- encouraging myself to ‘Git ‘er done’.
Like most things I do ( art, writing, budgeting, working on nutritional goals, to name a few) bodybuilding takes practice, time, energy and commitment. It doesn’t happen over night. You don’t just “land in it.” Success takes patience, perseverance, and determination. You set goals , keep at it, and over time, you get results.
Of course this phrase tends to strikes a chord in many. It is often argued with:
” That’s just not true, i work “___” amount of hours every day”
“What about those with young children?They have less time for themselves”
“I am ( disabled/ old/ diabetic/ overweight/ chronically ill/ insert your own )- i have less time because of dealing with these issues.”
“I work night shift/ swing shift/ 3 jobs/ in a stressful feild/ insert your own…i dont have the energy or the same amount of time as some others”
“I wasnt born wealthy, i can’t afford to commit the same amount of time as some people”
ETC, ETC, ETC…
While all of these reasons are somewhat legit, the problem with the argument remains. We all have 24 hours in a day. What you do with it actually your “choice”.We have the same “time” to commit to what kind of life we are going to have and what kind of life we want to have.
Granted, your obstacles many differ from your neighbors, your favorite celebrity, a famous athlete, or your friends. But bottom line- the hours in a day do not change for any of us.
And chances are, most of these”other” people spent a great deal of time getting where they are. There were hours and hours of practice. There were days/weeks/months of sacrifice. There were mistakes. There were 3 steps forward, two steps back. There was an exchange of personal pleasure for personal effort. On many days, it was harder than hell.
I am so glad I am always finding these inspirational people and stories. They help to remind me that my goals will not be easy to attain, but they will be worth it.
But most of all they help me to keep going.
Namaste
p.s. please feel free to enjoy this bird:)
A recent piece i did titled ” Saving for a Rainy Day”
It’s been longer than usual since i’ve made a post.Mainly because i have been continuing to work on myself in various ways and don’t want to jump the gun with anything. Everything this year is “baby steps”, with 3 steps forward and one back.
But since i have committed to accountability while keeping things on the positive side I decided to post my progress, rather than focusing on any lack thereof. I have been addressing several things this year and while not experiencing miracles, i have accomplished some things.
It hasn’t been perfect but-
i have been AF for 75 of the 78 days since restarting my recovery, and i am doing better than i thought i would in that regard.
I have successfully weaned myself off of regular coffee, and am slowly beginning the switch from decaf to tea. It’s taken many weeks and today was my first caffeine free day. There was a pretty noticeable decrease in my anxiety , even though i had been at only 1/2 a cup a day for a week or so.
I have been able to keep my cigarette consumption to an average of 6 per day which is WAY less than i had been at for very long time:)I have cut the gum down to only 3 pieces per day as well.No patches either so all-in-all a big decrease in nicotine.
i have been getting to the gym 3 times a week for a month now and also been walking out doors, doing yoga and meditating regularly. Huge increase in activity!
Additionally, i have added some vitamins and supplements to my daily intake to experiment with which ones i feel will actually help, if any. St. Johns Wort was started today. I try my best to get as much light in my day as possible.
I am keeping track of my food intake as well as sleep hours in addition to the above so hopefully with having the record i can track down the culprits for various issues.At some point when i feel more confident, i will write a bit more. But for now, this is my story.
Something a little more positive, lest those who have been reading here as of late get the idea that i am just a miserable person with a drinking problem.. Yeah i know it sounds like that but i beg you to go back and read posts from the beginning and such. Big Sigh– It’s just that the combination of the pandemic, menopause, this darned weather and being sick for almost a month- topped with realizing all of that had led back to some bad habits- well, i do feel a bit miserable at times.So today, i give you positivity.
In light of everything and since i have been feeling better and stronger, naturally i am going back into goal and accomplishment mode ( as is my norm). Yes, it is true- one can be struggling with some things, but still have their sh*t together for the most part.:).So i’m just gonna go ahead and get back into this years goals and life challenges as mentioned in the beginning of 2021.I had posted on December 29th about a few things i wanted to tackle this year and so far have only posted about some of the financial stuff.
Let me start with #6 ( just to be a little snarky about it-lol)- exercise and health.
This week i did start getting back to doing some yoga and meditating. Even within 3 days, i can feel a bit of a difference.Even today, when i was quite busy, i made time . The way i accomplish goals has been from years of trial and error before finding a sort of system that works. Some call it small changes or baby steps.For me it goes a bit like this:
1. week ahead i talk myself into something…”i’m going to start doing yoga/meditating again”
2. Spend that time also procrastinating but finally setting a date & time
3. Hours before that time i debate about the pros and cons then PUSH myself into it
4. usually i start small- 15 min yoga, 20 minutes meditate, and this will go on for a few days
5. I will always start to feel stronger by day 3, and it motivates me to keep going, sometimes adding time or a new pose, etc.
6. by the end of this week i have “gym” written on my calendar again..its been 2 months.
Now, eventually all of this turns into a habit . Meanwhile i might be working on other larger or smaller goals..in this instance sobriety and smoking cessation. With smoking, i start with not smoking when i leave my house. I move my usual laptop work area so it doesn’t trigger chain smoking sessions. I might start counting the # of cigs i have on average each day, and then making a weekly plan to wean off slowly.. This has worked in the past and i feel confident in it. With drinking, it’s announcing it, asking others for support by not drinking around me, and planning projects for my usual nights off.
So, i am back to doing all of this and today , finally our libraries were open so able to get some CD books out to listen to in the car again. Have been tanning once a week for some sun/color or whatever, taking supplements, and drinking more water, less coffee.Ah, i feel normalcy just around the corner.
As you can see, these are all tiny steps..and i will take my time with them…not rushing because that sets me up for failure. I have so much to do, many goals and i am getting back to them with the knowledge of previous experience. And you can too.
We all realize this pandemic has affected us, and may for many months or even years to come. Yet we have to survive and care for ourselves .
There’s never a better time to start than right now.Look in all directions and find your growth .
So here we are at the end of the year and I only have a few days to get in the last 4 steps as intended. My 2019 Ten Steps seemed easier to get to , but likely because I did them over a 6 month period. For anyone just joining me here, those previous steps covered life applications in general, while these apply to 2020 specifically , and even more specifically to my own experiences and forthcoming assertions.
And away we go…
I am unsure as to the exact moment I realized my odd and ends symptoms may be related to menopause. Many times I go back to posts from years ago , in my 40’s , and was quite sure I was soon going to hit that looming milestone any minute. But, in hindsight, I was still many years away from the actual process.
This past year has brought no uncertainty to the fact. If you aren’t aware, menopause is considered to be one full year without any monthly cycle ( menses). Indeed I have gone 10 months without, had one, then another 10 and had one. So, it is in progress. Oddly, we only spend one actual day “in” menopause- the rest being perimenopause or post-menopause.
Some definitive changes in that regard for 2020 (symptomatically speaking) :
Increased loss of eyelashes and eyebrow thickness
Increased insomnia
Difficulty shedding belly fat
Increased emotional volatility (mood swings)
Drier skin
Increased facial wrinkles
Decreased skin elasticity
Chronic fatigue
In addition to the above, other changes have occurred that are , as I see it, related to aging itself- although MANY overlap:
Increased body pain
Decreased physical endurance
Changes in dietary tolerance
Increased grey/white hair
Changing views on the world around me
Changing perceptions on myself in every way
Considering this list ( and I could have go on and been more specific) I felt a post was in order about how I kind of “dealt” with things. Sometimes I used tried & true methods from experience, but I have also initiated a more open mind to some unique solutions.
For instance, the insomnia has been a huge one for me this year. In fact I have been having major issues with this since June. Having this issue pretty often for decades, I tried everything I knew without any real results. I even went back to my Dr. for the sleep medication I had been off of for 2 years. It did not work this time around. Bottom line is, I’ve discovered that I do indeed sleep wonderfully- AT NIGHT. But being a night shift nurse makes the whole thing unresolvable without quitting my current job and looking for day work. Day work is a whole other can of worms I wont go into. So, as of yet I have found no true solution. I just try to take full advantage of my nights off– sleeping sometimes 12-15 hours.
If you haven’t noticed though, most of the above listed are not necessarily life threatening or serious problems. I have to admit however they seemed to be for a while. But I slowly realized that they were mostly my own vanity. So the solution became a process of acceptance and re-learning self love. The thing that helped me the most ( just being honest here) is finding a partner who truly accepted all my flaws , inside and out. Hairy legs and armpits, no make up, hair roots growing out, grey hairs, more body fat, dressing for comfort- you name it. I tested this guy intensely as to his tolerance and he passed every time and has never wavered. His acceptance helped me gain confidence and security as far as my appearance. Since that proved to be true, I now sometimes go out of my way to look special for him. He never mentions it either way and I love that about him!
The other stuff that may affect my health in the long run I have had to address.I have managed to keep off 10 of the 15 lbs I lost in January/February. But not by continuing to follow the strict calorie diet or continuing to walk many miles each day. The truth is, I’ve stopped doing anything at all and by having less stress about them, I believe I have leveled out. I eat what I want, when I want, as much as I want. I did start back at the gym a month ago because I love lifting weights, but now we are on a lockdown again so..all I can do I sigh and wait for it to be lifted. What I can say is- that particular activity benefits me in more ways than one. It reduces stress, increases my self-confidence & body strength, and reduces my pain levels.
I have also invested in myself–weekly chiropractic sessions, monthly dep massages, and several therapeutic items at home including pillows and miscellaneous devices ( heating pads, massagers, and spine/neck extenders).I use them as needed. I added some supplements but a daily whole food vitamin is the only one I’ve stuck to . I have also learned not to go beyond 2- 2 ½ cups of coffee a day because it really gets me out of whack emotionally. I stretch often and daily go through a ‘grateful’ list in my head.
I am still looking into therapy options, but have been hesitant for various reasons. Many are only held online right now with the pandemic and I am not comfortable with having my deepest thoughts being recorded on such a scary format. All I can imagine is what records are prone to being hacked in this crazy world. If I don’t have them on anywhere on the internet, so much the better. I will continue to look for someone who still see people in person, even if I have to wait.
So, in summing it up I would say if you are experiencing any of the above:
1.Most importantly- do whatever you can to decrease your stress level. It is the single most beneficial tip I can give you. And I mean anything- smoke more pot, masturbate more( stop blushing we are all adults here!), eat some comfort foods regularly, binge watch your favorite shows without guilt, take a break from strict rituals, etc.
2.Don’t be afraid to try new solutions, but don’t try anything too sketchy. For instance- yes, I will put onions in my sox for a flu remedy, but I will not buy some crazy, unproven snake oil remedy on the internet. Use your best judgement, but keep an open mind. Binaural Tones meditation is still one of my best go to solutions. Regardless of solid proof, it is free, can’t hurt to try (unless you have seizures which is the only precaution) and you’ll never know if you don’t.
3.Drink lots of water, but plan your bathroom access. You will need both.
4.Sleep as much as you can and make it a priority.
5. Stop trying every wrinkle cream on the market. I simply stopped wearing make up daily and decided to accept myself. Same with haircoloring, and other special , expensive “fixes” for vanity issues. My facial routine consists of 2 things: micellar Coconut water to clean and rinse off debris, followed by coconut water in a light cream base. Both are made by Palmer and are super cheap. My skin looks better now than it did 3-4 years ago.
6. And finally, stop trying every new diet that comes down the pike. Not everyone loses weight or feels great on Keto, low calorie, raw food or vegan diets. Find one you can live with that makes you feel functional, or even find a few and change it up every few weeks. If you are less than 20 lbs over weight , it is likely not going to cause any health problems. The less strict diet, the better- and variety is key.If you have more than that amount, find a healthy one that you enjoy and get your body moving.
So there it is. I have 3 more steps to address so I will be banging those out over the next few days. Hope this helps someone..
Saturday: did not get to walk, but housework and other stuff to get to. I have been continuing with food experiments. What keeps me full , what doesn’t. I want to get my ratios to 50 % protein, 30 % carbs and 20 % fat. My fat has been way higher than I would like. Also I have to figure out a way to at least have one cheat meal each week. Because i am starting to get resentful already, and that will lead to disaster. No yoga either, but did 2 sessions of meditation at 1 hour each.
Sunday: was able to get outdoors for my walk today which was nice. I really don’t like being indoors on a treadmill and I find I can barely go 30 minutes at a time. I usually have to break an hour into 20 minute segments on my nights off just to get in a decent amount of mileage. Over ate during my work shift tonight, forgetting to leave calories for when I wake up. My app format goes midnight to midnight, and being on night shift makes things odd. 45 minute walk, 10 minutes yoga, 30 minutes meditation.
Monday: after my appointment tonight I went to the store AGAIN tonight because I couldn’t deal with starvation from 430p- 12a. I got egg whites, & tuna and made a meal of 150 calories that will tide me over. I wound up at my calorie level after exercising too. 30 minutes on treadmill , 20 minutes yoga, 20 minutes meditating. I am thinking I may have to adjust my expectations to 40% protein, because even where I am at on average now am eating over 100 grams each day and only really need 65g according to the standard. Day 2 of zero nicotine and feels like I am dying…regular gum is just not cutting it right now.. BUT, I am muddling through…trying to focus on my art, blogging and not over eating to compensate.
I hope this new “daily journal format” doesn’t make anyone yawn. The idea behind it is to provide an inside account of the struggles , successes & progress of this particular project so that anyone who is also on the journey doesn’t feel alone. I keep notes for a few days at a time and then post, so these should only come about twice per week. Hopefully it won’t get too boring. At some point, i will hit a sticking point i am sure and new strategies will be necessary. Let me know if you are on a similar journey and what is working for you!
Wake up! 